Discover more from Sex Demystified - Debunking the Sexual Norms
All The World Is A Stage
And Other Ways Role Play Deserves Applause
Our imagination takes us to any place we want to go and I use mine frequently. It isn’t just used to exercise random thoughts; it can also assist in taking sexual fantasies a step further in the bedroom. Whether by dressing up or simply acting the part, role play makes sex fun and playful—or it can be sensual and risqué, it just depends on your motives. Considering I know all of you read my article about fantasies, you’ll appreciate this as another way to connect with your partner in the bedroom. In role play, we can be whomever we want that wouldn’t necessarily fit in real life.
I tend to get self-conscious when it comes to role-play, feeling a bit silly. I’m not even one to dress up for Halloween. However, I plan to remedy that by playing different roles for my husband as it prevents sex from becoming routine. When I was an OnlyFans’ girl, I had many requests for custom videos and performing as some sexy character. It was challenging when I got started because I felt too self-conscious. But, as time wore on, I didn’t think much of it when I had to play the domineering schoolmarm or a naughty step-mother. It proved to be very successful with the fans.
Role-play is definitely an erotic way to heat up sex with your partner. Some may feel insecure, thinking it means they desire someone else. This doesn’t actually mean they want to be with someone else, but the thought of “strange” in your bed is exciting. For those not savvy on the lingo, strange is defined as sex outside of your current relationship; i.e., a stranger.
This is not to say that you or your partner wish to step outside your defined relationship and sleep around. Role playing does not signify that at all. Think of role playing this way: when we were children, we would pretend to be astronauts, cowboys, princesses, and the like. Why? Because it was fun; and we used our imagination to pretend we were something or someone else. There were no negative connotations or deceptive motives. We were just having fun.
When did we lose that?
When did make-believe become sinister in the bedroom?
Everyone has desires and fantasies, so why not play them out with your partner? I may not be a curvy belly dancer with hips that don’t lie, but as Shakira says, my husband will “keep on reading the signs of my body” as I dance for him. Being jealous is unhealthy in a relationship and one has to question if they actually trust their partner.
Our article on jealously lays out the three main causes: insecurity, obsessive thinking, and paranoia. Role play should invoke sexual urges, not the feeling that your partner actually wants to be someone else. The desire for my husband doesn’t change and having him put on a black cowboy hat like Rip from Yellowstone would be intoxicating. Throw in some leather chaps and I’m done.
I am aware that I’m not as proactive in my role play as my husband would like, and we’ve had conversations about incorporating it more into our sex lives. I have, on occasion, zipped up the thigh-high leather boots and donned the black leather outfit to seduce him. I just walk into his home office and relieve him of duty for a while. He absolutely loves when I do. It immediately shows in the places it should. (That would be a rise in his penis for those not paying attention.) I honestly don’t have to always dress up for the occasion because just being domineering is enough given it’s not in my normal character.
One of the roles I haven’t been able to bring myself to do is lady in a bar. This is where I would go sit at a bar, alone and waiting for some random man to pay attention to me. We would talk and my husband, who is watching, would sit across the bar. He would send a drink my way causing me to acknowledge him in front of my new friend. For reasons I find perfectly understandable, I would find my husband more appealing and eventually leave with him. It can vary somewhat and the other guy isn’t necessary, but pretending my husband is a total stranger is always key to the role. And whose to say that the other guy wouldn’t want to join us? Now, that’s really stepping out of my normal behavior—but not at all impossible if the guy (and my mood) is just right! But I digress…
The sexual fantasies we have feel inherently private to us; however, sharing some of them with your partner only solidifies your bond. They don’t have to know every dirty thought that pops in your head, but let them in on a few. A healthy relationship requires a conscious vulnerability (choosing to be vulnerable) to have those deeper emotional connections evolve, in time creating greater intimacy. This means confronting and sharing any sadness, disappointment, helplessness, shame, anger, or embarrassment. Conveying your thoughts and feelings in a conscious and deliberate way will also strengthen you emotionally.
Your partner may surprise you by being willing to act out your fantasies, or possibly have the same sexual inclinations. Role play is no longer considered the deviant behavior it once was given society has become more open about sexuality. In fact, given we are approaching Halloween, it is the perfect opportunity to be in the playful spirit of role play.
As we’ve mentioned before, the brain is your largest sex organ. You’ll find that when both you and your partner have an open mind, sex can transform into something adventurous and stimulating. You can convert yourself into a completely different person, or you can be yourself doing a different job. Sometimes, simply dressing in a more provocative way can be just as exhilarating for the libido.
The venture into role play starts with honest communication about each other’s needs and boundaries; especially when BDSM is part of the play. This is where it’s crucial to have a safe word to know when to stop as it should always be consensual and safe. With BDSM, saying “no” and “stop” can sometimes be part of the act, so a neutral word should be agreed upon in advance. The BDSM Academy offers some examples, as well as great advice for those who want to venture into the world of BDSM.
‘Red’ to immediately stop and end the scene.
’Yellow’ for slow down
Various object names – fire truck, elephant, blueberry pancakes, etc. Normally you name it after something that is highly unlikely to ever be said in normal conversation, but means enough to the person who uses it that it will be easily remembered during times of stress and/or panic.
The Academy also suggests a pause word that signifies you need a moment, but don’t necessarily want things to end. They suggested using your partner’s first name as many of us don’t normally use them with each other. We are babe, sweetheart, honey, or some shortened version of our name. I know when my husband calls out my full first name, I stop what I’m doing because it sounds extremely weird. However, this isn’t in the bedroom, but when I’ve tuned out the world and not paying attention.
Nevertheless, talking beforehand with this type of kink is absolutely necessary. It is also a good idea to have safe words (or intention words), or your own relationship language when speaking in public. When we go out on swinger dates, we can communicate our interest in normal conversations without the other party being aware of intentions.
Exploring fantasies through role play does prescribe enormous amount of trust in your partner. The word ‘play’ is in the name, and not an example of how partner’s relate to each other in real life. Given this type of sexual activity pushes boundaries and no doubt your comfort zone, doing it with someone you love or have immense fondness for may strengthen that trust.
Dr. Nan Wise, who writes for Psychology Today, offers that sexual activity, no matter what kind, may stir up all kinds of emotions.
“When we can learn to simply allow the feelings to be as they are, stay present to ourselves and to each other, the experiences we can have with and through sex can be truly healing and can revitalize our mind, body, and spirit. It is a tangible form of connection to others, a source of immune-boosting energy, and a vast reservoir for pleasure.”
Having sex is our willingness to be sexual and role play may reveal new ways that you can be turned on. By tapping into your sexual potential, you are also exploring the inner workings of your erotic self. Role play allows you to expand your concept of what sex is and why pleasure is important in your life. And, you don’t have to look outside of your relationship to create variety.
You might even consider surprising your partner as they walk through the door after a long day at work. Books and movies have even jump-started relationships by introducing kinks, role playing, and fantasies; just look at what the Fifty Shades of Gray series did for average, everyday people by introducing most of them to the world of BDSM—despite what you think of the movie or book series.
My husband works from home, but if he walks out of the room in a sports coat… “Professor, I didn’t finish my assignment. I’ll do anything not to fail your class,” is escaping my lips. If I put on my black leather, skin-tight body suit with red stilettos… “Yes, mistress,” is all I want to hear.
If you’re unsure how to get ideas in motion after you and your partner share your role-playing fantasies, create a fantasy suggestion box. Each of you write down your ideas on pieces of paper and drop them in a box or jar. Take turns picking one out, offering an unbiased way to act out each others fantasies.
Role Play Ideas
Housekeeper or bellhop/hotel guest
Police Officer/Law violator
Oh yes, I’m going there…
Taboo (n) - a subject, word, or action that is avoided for religious or social reasons; something that is not acceptable to say, mention, or do.
When it comes to taboo in the bedroom, people have a tendency to shy away from mentioning how much this particular kink may turn them on. No one wants to feel shame or embarrassment—so why bother mentioning it at all?
According to Pornhub’s 2021 Insights, the “stepmom” category is in the top twenty searches. I’m sure it gives Freud a lot of satisfaction with his Oedipus theory. Stepmom or Mommy porn isn’t about the literal, it’s only about the taboo. When a woman calls her partner “daddy,” it absolutely does not mean she wants to have sex with her father—not even a little bit. The term daddy in this sense means someone who is in charge, a protector, or the boss.
We all know incest is inherently and morally wrong (unless you read the Old Testament—which skirts over the issue in Genesis without directly mentioning the word), however we aren’t looking to act out our forbidden impulses. It’s also very unlikely we’ll share them given these thoughts are contrary to social custom and our own principles.
My husband and I don’t shy away from these fantasies when it comes to role play. The freedom to talk about the taboo, or anything else, without judgement or shame makes for better communication between us. If I want my husband to be the neighbor slipping into my bed while I’m sleeping to take sexual advantage of me, he’s totally on board. This certainly doesn’t mean I want to be raped by that neighbor. It’s the taboo aspect that turns me on, as well as hundreds of other women.
There are many categories of porn that are considered taboo and popular for both men and women. Some include voyeurism, exhibitionism, urolagnia (golden showers), capnolagnia (smoking), and asphyxiation (choking). Pornhub Insights broke down the popular searches in 2021 and went even further to include the percentages of women and men who visit the site. Here are some of the taboo categories that made the list:
While we all appreciate the privacy of our thoughts, what’s more important is the privacy of our bedroom. Being drawn to what is socially prohibited only makes it all the more enticing. We are simply attracted by the things we aren’t supposed to have. There used to be a time when sex itself was considered very taboo to talk about. Unfortunately, we still have a society that takes issue with the discussion—even if it’s a part of our humanity. Having sex and exploring ways to ensure its pleasure is not wrong; and certainly not taboo. Consensual kink, role play, and fantasies are part of that pleasure. What makes us feel alone, or ashamed about sex is the absence of discussion and/or information.
Role play give you the freedom to release inhibitions through the portrayal of the character. This is an erotic game of sexual seduction, building up to the inevitable. I formatted the word “game” because that is what it is—and how it should be viewed. It is not a replacement of yourself or partner; only added spice to something you are already going to do anyway. We seek out fun and variety in our everyday lives, why not let our sex life have its turn.
We’d absolutely love to hear from you! Leave a comment if you have any questions or would like to share your story about this topic or sex in general.
If you found this article educational and entertaining, be sure click the like button. This article is free to the public, so feel free to share.
Sex Demystified - Debunking the Sexual Norms is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.