An Apple and Orange Walk Into a Bar…
It has been written that, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” The basic premise being that comparison is the silent fuel for envy, jealousy, and self-loathing to ignite. Only with a disciplined mind can one take comparison advantageously. With today’s technology and steady increase of social media, we are flooded with images of others whom we inadvertently compare ourselves to. It’s a subconscious and seemingly innocuous feeling at first. However, the more we see like images, the more the comparison fire turns from ambers to a five-alarm fire.
In regards other women on OnlyFans and social media, I often fell into the trap of comparing myself. Perhaps they were younger, more shapely, prettier, or even had a higher number of followers. This was detrimental to my self-esteem. I completely ignored the potential complexity of their lives—focusing only on what I saw.
Somewhere along our societal evolutional curve, we developed a sense of envy for those that have more than we do. Today, this envy has turned into hatred. For reasons only a psychologist could answer, we feel threatened when someone seems better off than we are. We have collectively become a society with unrealistic standards of, well… everything; ignoring that this upward comparison should really be used to motivate, inspire, and help overcome any obstacles in our own lives.
On the other side of that same coin, I found myself on top of the comparison mountain looking down on what I perceived to be negative attributes some women possessed. This included bad poses or unflattering outfits, poor makeup application, or weight issues. Ironically, this would make me feel better about how I looked and the quality of what I was posting. I ignored the complete picture of their strengths and successes for the betterment of my self-esteem. This is called pettiness.
The reality was they all were my coworkers, not competition. Many offered me inspiration or new ideas, while some reminded me to keep it real—maintaining my own standards. I failed to remember that my fans and followers liked me for who I was and my own individuality. When I fell into the downward trap of comparison, it leaked into my sex life, creating an insecurity. I’m not bothered by my husband’s viewing of other women on social media, but I would internally infer that it meant he liked her or her qualities better.
It was never about “better,” it was simply about him sharing he what liked or found attractive. Rather than taking hints on how I could turn the heat up sexually for us, I found myself putting words in his mouth— “If you looked like her, you’d be more sexy to me.” He has NEVER remotely implied that I wasn’t a turn on for him. In fact, sexual innuendos and an unmistakable desire to have sex with me are a constant with him. My cynical comparisons were self-induced and my attitude toward sex became an obstacle in the bedroom.
I would look at what he shared and think: I’d never wear what she was wearing; I’m not thin enough; or I don’t have an ass like that. A constant thought was, “I’m too old to pull off an outfit like that.” Sexuality has no age limit—nor does my husband see any imperfections in my body. These are my comparisons alone. And I became resentful of how I looked; and this made me feel less sexy. Do you see where I’m going here?
Psychology Today poses the question:
“Is there a way to compare ourselves to others without falling into these traps?”
“The answer is yes; it’s just a matter of perspective. Social comparison typically involves contrast and differentiation. When we consider our common humanity, it can yield very different results, promoting connection and understanding rather than distance and othering.”
To put it another way, we have to identify with those who we deem less fortunate while recognizing our own vulnerabilities. This will increase our feelings of compassion. We also have to remember that even the most successful people struggle. They are, after all, human as well, and possess many of the same flaws as the rest of us. The key is to recognize we are just as capable of achieving their status. But we can’t do that without first defining something that many of us never think about—
How do we define success for ourselves?
Most of us would easily define success with one word: Cash… Lots of cash (okay, that’s three words but let’s not lose focus here). If earning a lot of cash is considered successful, why are so many millionaires and billionaires being treated for depression? Shane Snow, Insider Contributor, wrote,
“Financial planners say that this is why a surprisingly high percentage of the rapidly wealthy get depressed. As therapist Manfred Kets de Vries once put it in an interview with The Telegraph, "When money is available in near-limitless quantities, the victim sinks into a kind of inertia”… Studies show that the wealthy — especially those who fall into it through inheritance or the lottery or sale of a business — are often not happier once they're rich. A meaningful percentage of them believe that their wealth causes more problems than it solves.”
Us commoners call these issues First-World Problems. We have to really soul search for our own definition of success—both mentally and financially. Defining what success means to you is an important part of defining yourself as an individual. We all have our own version of paradise and meeting one’s personal goals—whether others approve or not—will determine the success of one’s life.
There are many ways to keep our habits of comparisons healthy. Here’s a good starting point:
Be Grateful.
Sounds simple enough, right? But you’d be mistaken. We recently went to Jamaica for holiday. However, our departing flight was eight-hours delayed. Eight… long… hours. On top of that, we arrived at the airport three-hours ahead of time as recommended for International travel. So, that made a total of 11 hours sitting in the airport. Needless to say, I was bitter. Not only would we be missing time on our first day in Jamaica but we had to sit at the airport nearly all day. Somewhere between hour five or six, it dawned on me: Soon I would be spending five-days in Jamaica with around the clock butler service. Most people never travel over 100-miles from where they were born. And here I was about to defy gravity and spend a week with some of the most friendliest people you will ever meet.
On a more relatable note, I am not only grateful for the relationship I have with my husband, but the fact we can talk about anything—especially our vulnerabilities. This has been essential in helping me understand who I am and what I want from life. It certainly doesn’t hurt to have my biggest fan by my side for encouragement and support.
Be Goal Oriented.
If you don’t write down your goals, you will never know the joy of crossing them off. Unwritten goals are dreams, and dreams without action are still only dreams. We should all have at least three daily goals that, when combined day after day, week after week, add up to our dreams. Keep a note on your desk or sticky notes on the refrigerator as a reminder of your goals; or write them down daily on a notepad. The key is to make your goals accomplishable. For those larger goals, break them down into manageable pieces. When I started writing again, I knew what I wanted to discuss; but, I didn’t know how to get things going. I created a flow chart with small goals that would aide in creating a plan for myself.
Fuel Your Self-Worth
Use someone’s accomplishments as motivation for your own—celebrate their success. Understand what makes them fortunate and create your own path. Having role models are meant to be inspiring and encourage self-improvement. To further illustrate the point, when I decided to get a breast augmentation, I brought in examples of what I want them to look like. I searched for women’s breasts that I thought looked amazing. It’s one of the best decisions I’ve made when it comes to my body and has improved my self-image.
There’s a sense we are falling short of others; the reality is what you see on social media is nothing more than someone’s curated reel. Most of us only display the positives in our lives, leaving out the negative. (See beauty filters and strategically cropped photos.) I am not saying you should air your dirty laundry online but be honest with yourself. Once you recognize you’re using an unrealistic metric, you can adjust your mindset accordingly. There will always be an infinite number of ways we can compare ourselves to others. We know the worst of who we are and presume the best of others. It’s not easy to accept your imperfections but they are a part of being human. There is freedom to be found in limiting the negative comparisons and embracing who you are.