Casey at the Bat
Inside Mudville's Naughty Swinger Scene
First, A Little History…
As strange as it sounds, swinging (or partner-swapping) can be be traced back to the 1950s Air Force Officers stationed in California—or so the story goes. From there, “key clubs” were created. The event involved husbands reportedly tossing their house keys into a pile in the center of the room where they were drawn at random by the wives. The owner of a selected key was the sexual partner for the evening. Sounds simple enough. There may be some merit to the fact the close-knit military families may have actually reignited this sexual sharing of partners,. Did I just say, reignite? Yes… yes I did. Swinging, in some form or another, might have been part of our history for thousands of years. Both polygyny (where one man shares two or more wives) and polyandry (where two or more men share a wife) may have been prevalent since the Stone Age.
1 Kings 11:3 (KJV) Solomon, third king of Israel (reigned c. 968–928 B.C.E.), reportedly had a harem that included 700 wives and 300 concubines. I read that if you examine the Hebrew closely, it indicates that this verse is merely recording the number of foreign wives and concubines, not the total number of his women, which means that he had many more wives than this. I can’t even imagine what that family portrait would have looked like. Regardless, polygyny, polyandry, orgies, and swinging have been around well before the birth of Christ. And if you think about it, this would make sense considering Adam and Eve were the first people (and only people) created by God. So, I should add incest (at least in some form) to the list as well. The one item missing from the Book of Genesis is the concept of time. While it's mentioned in days, weeks, and years, time may have not been recording accurately or depicted as we understand it today. That said, let’s fast forward a millennia or two.
Know the Lingo
Today, swinging is defined as the practice of engaging in group sex or the swapping of sexual partners within a group. More specifically, it’s a subcategory of consensual (or ethical) non-monogamy that couples in a relationship agree on (hence: consensual). Most times, it is simply referred to in the swinging circle as, “The Lifestyle.” Of course, those couples that are deep into the lifestyle display or wear innocuous symbols letting other like-minded couples know they are part of the same club. Others outright advertise their membership to the lifestyle—more on this later. In the meantime, let’s head back to the classroom and hold a small crash course on swinger vernacular:
Soft-swap: Involves sexual activities up to, and including, oral sex. Typically anything but penetration.
Full-swap: Involves most sexual activities, including intercourse (vaginal or anal, depending on preferences).
Acronyms are common in the swinger community. They’re really not hard to figure out, and I will give you an example: MFM / FMF.
MFM stands for Male, Female, Male, or two men with one woman in a threesome.
FMF stands for Female, Male, Female, or two women with one man in a threesome.
A very common term used is “Hall Pass.” This implies that one of the individuals has permission to play on his or her own without their partner. Both my wife and I each have hall passes to use whenever an opportunity presents itself. Let’s assume she is meeting a friend for a drink at a bar. During the course of events, a gentlemen—whom she finds sexually attractive—approaches her and begins a conversation. If she is interested in continuing the conversation in his hotel room, she doesn’t need to text/phone me for permission. The only communication needed is her letting me know she is leaving the place I know she’s supposed to be. She will also call or text me her new location. This is obviously for safety concerns. With that, she can freely indulge in her fantasies and desires anytime she wishes. Again, if you read my last post, you will know the only rule we have is no lying. The same applies for myself. We are both educated adults with a healthy dose of common sense. Through experience, we know when to pursue and when not to.
We will go over a few more terms just to round out your swinger vocabulary: newbies, vanilla, and site. The first isn’t hard to understand. Newbies are those individuals or couples new to the lifestyle. Vanilla refers to something that is non-Lifestyle. This including anything, anywhere, or anyone outside of the swinger community. The term site may be used in verbal discussion offline, as in, “What site are you on? Kasidie? SDC? FetLife? etc. Some of these sites have chat features but we found using apps like KiK or Signal offer quicker response times without having to give out your cell number.
To dispel any misunderstanding, single people can participate in the swinger community. Another widely popular term used is unicorn. This term is used to to describe a single female because of her rarity in the swinger community. Unicorns fit in nicely with those couples new to swinging and want to experience a threesome first. In fact, our first swinging date was with a unicorn. There really isn’t a common term used to describe a single man in the community. Some may refer to these individuals as “bulls,” however, they are not as rare. After all, when doesn’t a man to want to have sex with multiple partners?
Rules and Regulations
Swinging couples usually engage in "same room" sex, which refers to all activities taking place in the same room. This give their partners the ability to watch the interaction, so to speak, It also provides a sense of security for couples new to swinging. Swingers might also participate in "separate room" sex, which is exactly what it sounds like. This behavior normally happens at swinger parties where you may be wandering around as your partner engages in sex. I’d like to add that these are not hard rules. The only rules in swinging are those you and your partner decide upon. There is only one unbreakable rule in the community: No means no. Period. End of story. The Lifestyle was created for couples to engage openly and freely in their sexual desires… without judgement. It doesn’t—nor ever will—imply that a woman (or man) should engage in every sexual whim another person has for them. If you ask if a person is interested in sex and they decline, move on. An explanation doesn’t need to be given nor should you try to convince (or guilt) said person into intercourse. This makes you an asshole; and you will, no doubt, be asked to leave the party immediately.
Keeping on this particular thought train, let’s dive deeper into my previous comment above concerning swinger rules between you and your partner. After discussing it, my wife and I decided to start swinging in 2016. From the moment we entertained the thought, we discussed laying down some ground rules. I remember saying, “We have to keep some things sacred for our relationship and sex life.” Our very first rule was… no kissing. Seemed logical at the time. We deemed kissing as intimate (especially the way we kiss each other). So that was rule Number One.
Rule Number Two also seemed logical at the time: our bed is for us only, not for swinging. Again, this sounded lucid at the time. Following the same logic as Rule Number One, our bed is a sacred place to us. Done. Pen to paper… Rule Number Two has been decreed.
Rule Number Three (and understand, these are in no particularly order of importance. We deemed them all important) was quickly established with zero debate: always use protection. This is, absolutely, a no-brainer… anything else? After deliberating, we felt that three solid rules were enough to get us started swinging our sexual fantasies out of the park—pun intended.
I toyed around with the exclusion of this next section but thought it best to go ahead and include it. There is no delicate way of saying this, so it’s best just to come out and say it: practice good hygiene before going on a date. I know what you are thinking… but please, hold all questions till the end. Swinger dates are no different from couple dates; you want to look your best and leave a good impression. Guys, this means performing a little manscaping, using deodorant, not bathing in cologne (a little does go a long way), and looking sharp. Ladies, you are much more evolved than us, so there isn’t much I can offer other than the fact that we do like lingerie. For some of us, wearing something sexy never hurts. That said, ladies you are free to take a five-minute break.
Guys, please stay behind for an important public service announcement.
Are they gone yet??
Good… Okay listen up, fuckers. If you have a couple that has invited or accepted your invitation to join them for play, don’t fuck this up for the rest of us by rushing it! Too many times, I have seen a guy strip down and jump in bed before the fucking door even closes. You are making the rest of us look bad. Cut that shit out! You already have two women (maybe more) in the room that have expressed a willingness and desire to fuck you. This isn’t a race! Show some patience and act like you’ve been in the fucking End Zone before, okay? Lastly, if you need some pharmaceutical assistance to maintain a stiffy, take it. Not that I am complaining but I personally have had to pick up the slack for some dude who lost his erection while fucking my wife. Even with the assistance of both women, it just wasn’t happening for him. So he had front-row seat to a pretty hot threesome for the remainder of the night. If you don’t want to be that guy, come prepared. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy the show. That’s it… I’m done.
Ladies! Welcome back!
Before moving on, I want to bring up one last thing concerning dates. Again, this falls under the sensitivity of personal hygiene and very necessary to bring up. Before and during dates, please try to maintain some sort of controlled sobriety. I understand we are all adults, and have the freedom to drink, but there is nothing worse than having an unresponsive partner, or worse, a sick one. On one particular solo date my wife went on, he showed up at the bar higher than a kite. Needless to say, she recognized this and firmly gripped the ejection handle. As I said, she’s a smart woman; and she could have easily went to bed with this guy. But to what end? His behavior, however pleasant, showed bad judgement; and she recognized this immediately. So after putting in some polite conversational time at the bar, she called it a night and headed home. Drugs and excessive alcohol consumption puts everyone in danger. Having a few drinks in camaraderie is one thing; not remembering the night before is irresponsible and dangerous. In fact, it is bad form at swinger parties to be intoxicated. Most cases, your night will be cut short and someone will assist you into a cab. Drink responsibly and avoid drug use.
Play Ball!
Through Kasidie (a swinger social media community we will discuss later) it didn’t take long for us to get a date. After all, we are a pretty hot couple with an awesome sense of humor… really a joy and honor to be around… and extremely humble. One of our first dates involved a younger couple from the outskirts of Chicago. They were on vacation visiting the Sunshine State. We chatted online, shared some vanilla photos (a term I will define for you below) as well as some x-rated photos to show off our limberness. After some back and forth, we agreed to meet them at their hotel bar downtown. We all had drinks and went out for some food. After dinner, we were invited back to their hotel room to play. And it didn’t take long for Rule Number One to fall off the mantle. If you logically think about it, how in the hell are you supposed to get anything going sexually without kissing? I don’t think we even thought about Rule Number One until the car ride back home—where we shared a laugh at its expense. I recall saying, “Well, that didn’t go as planned (meaning Rule Number One.)” So, on that fateful night, and after experiencing our first “date” with another couple, we laid Rule Number One to rest.
It didn’t take long for Rule Number Two to encounter the same fate. On another date, we invited a local swinging couple to our house. By this time, we all knew each other, and had an unspoken understanding where this was going to lead. We all ended up on our bed, and as the saying goes: One thing led to another. Rule Two quietly snuck out the preverbal backdoor, never to be heard from again. That brings us to Rule Number Three. I am delighted to say that this rule has stood the test of time. Safety first, as they say. Only one time in six years did a fellow swinger ask not to use a condom. To this request, BOTH our wives insisted he use protection—to which he quickly relented.
Should you and your partner discuss having rules while swinging? Absolutely! There is no harm in a discussion. Again, we have hall passes in our relationship. Maybe you don’t want to explore that right out of the box—or ever. And that’s cool. This is your relationship to do with as you see fit. Our rules (or lack thereof) shouldn’t have any bearing on how you manage your team. All relationships should be a team effort. Perhaps you just want to soft-swap at first—seeing how each of you feel after. Sounds good to me. I’m not going to sugarcoat things for you. That first date may very well be your last swinger date. You may see something you don’t like (i.e., jealousy) and say, “Fuck this.” My job here isn’t to judge; it’s to assist you in learning as much as possible about the swinging community. From there, you have to decide if this is the right road for your relationship to travel on.
In The Batter’s Box
Okay, you and your partner have made the decision to jump on the swing set… now what? How do you advertise your intentions without really advertising your intentions? Fortunately (or not), there are a few secret symbols to keep your eye out for. Sit back and buckle up; things are may get a bit confusing.
Pineapples
Well, being born and raised in the South, I can tell you we must have a lot of swingers. If you ever visit cities like Savannah, Charleston, or any significantly historical southern city, you will find pineapples everywhere; on doors, on signs, carved in stone masonry, you name it. And that is because the pineapple is the symbol of welcome in the South. Now imagine poor Gladys, a grandmother of six, unknowingly answering her door to a group of swingers because she’s displaying a pineapple in her driveway. Perhaps, though, she’s been waiting for this very knock for years—like the anticipation arrival of the late Ed McMahon from the Publishers Clearing House. Grandmas can be freaky too. Regardless, it seems there was still a lot of ambiguity surrounding the pineapple as the official fruit for swingers. To remedy this, someone decided to invert the fruit—displaying it upside down. Seems like a simple solution to a potentially awkward problem.
Flamingos
This phenomenon started gaining popularity in the 1950s in Florida. Plastic pink flamingos became the norm in kitschy neighborhoods. Somehow or another, this longed-necked bird became the unofficial mascot of swingers. I will say this (along with other non-obviously sightings like white rocks around a mailbox) is a completely unreliable marker to identify swingers in the wild. However, for reasons passing understanding, we will continue with this exercise of ‘items to look out for’ that scream, “We are down with OPP (other people’s privates.)”
Pampas grass
Don’t feel bad if you have to look this one up, I had to. And what I saw sent me back to my childhood. This was in our house growing up! Were my parents ignorant to the fact that this flowery plant had a secret meaning? I’m not sure I even what to know the answer to this. Moving on…
Black rings
As reported on upworthy.com, “While black rings are a common accessory, some swingers use them to help start a conversation about alternative lifestyles. Cooper Beckett, host of the Life on the Swingset podcast, confirmed the same. "Wear your black ring on your right hand if you are out and open to meet other swingers," he told The Stranger [website]. “If someone wearing a black ring on their right-hand approaches you, start a conversation with them, ‘I see you’re wearing a black ring on your right hand. Maybe we are in the same club,’” Beckett suggested.” And, in case you are wondering, my wedding ring is black by design. However, it should be noted that a black ring worn on the middle finger of the right hand can cause unintentional non-interaction as this indicates asexuality.
Confused yet?
It’s okay—and understandable. To assist you in finding likeminded couples—and avoid knocking on the door of neighbors displaying pineapples—I have saved the best for last! Without further ado, I give you…
Swinger Social Media Sites
This, in my opinion, is the only tried and true ways to get the word out that you and your partner are open to swinging—or, at the very least, living a life of uninhibited sexual play. Two swinger sites immediately come to mind: kasidie.com and sdc.com. To date, we haven’t signed up for SDC; however, we have had pretty good success with Kasidie. This sites boasts of having over 100,000 members at the time of this writing, and is aimed at providing a comprehensive social experience for users to chat, share images, and meet up with similar-minded people. You can also look for swinger clubs and parties where you can meet fellow swingers and have the time of your life. The fortunate thing about living in a tourist town of a tourist State is the frequency of visitors coming and going. Members of Kasidie tend to post when they are traveling in order to see if there are any swingers in the area. A typical “date” happens after chatting online, viewing photos of each other, and nailing down a meeting place. Normally, the initial meet happens at a hotel bar—or in our case whatever tourist spot they are staying. We have gone on plenty of dates where sex didn’t even occur. The freedom just to be around other like-minded couples and talk freely seemed to suffice. Other times, we landed in their hotel beds and enjoyed a good time.
Base Hit to Left Field! The Winning Run Is At The Plate!
Hopefully by now, you have a good understanding of the history of swinging, what swinging is all about, the rules and regulations in play, grooming advice, and how to find people in the lifestyle. Now comes date time. What can you expect? Excellent question! My answer: I have no idea. Seriously… I’m not joking here. The only thing I relay to you are our experiences. And for the most part, they have been positive. We did have one instance that left us both dumbfounded. We chatted with a couple online who would be in the area for business. We agreed to meet them at their hotel bar and told to bring swimwear—should we all decide to hit the pool or hot tub. Excellent idea! Done. My wife and I drove to the resort where they had a room and found a table in the bar. The other couple had not arrived yet, so we ordered drinks for ourselves.
About five minutes later, they arrive. Immediately, the guy (tall and muscular, good looking overall) asked if this was our table (well, duh, we are sitting at it!). He requested that we move outside. Um, okay. No problem. It was a typical Florida night and the heat from the day was dissipating quickly. He escorted his wife (a gorgeous blond with a great smile) and mine outside to pick his perfect table. I stayed behind to let our server know that we were moving since we hadn’t received our drinks yet. I joined them at the new table with our drinks and introductions were made. He did most of the talking and mentioned they were in town for his company conference. He then asked what type of sex clubs were in the area. I shared the two we knew of: one specializing in BDSM and one dedicated to swinging. I mentioned they require “membership” fees or a one-day pass to enter, and if desired, sex play was permitted. He said along the lines of, “That’s cool. Well, thanks. I don’t think things are going to happen, so we’ll check out the clubs.” And with that, he got up and walked away. This seemed to take his wife by surprise as she was left behind not realizing what just took place. She stared at us, mouth ajar, offered a quick smile and said, “Uhh, I guess we’re leaving. I really apologize! It was so nice meeting you!” Poof, she was gone. I turned to my wife and didn’t say a word as we never had anything like this remotely happen to us. The entire “date” lasted maybe eight minutes. We finished our drinks and went home. This was probably five years ago and we still joke about it.
I want to reiterate that this date was total out of the norm. No other date since then has even come close to the awkwardness of that night. Typically our dates are either soft-swaps, full- swaps or no swaps at all—just good conversations with good people. Going into a date, we have our mind geared toward a full-swap experience. That said, we don’t push that agenda; normally we leave it up to the other couple as to how far they want to go. It’s important for all parties to know what to expect beforehand through online chatting or text. I will normally lean into it with a simple questions, “So are you guys into soft-swapping or full-swapping?” Regardless of their answer, things change and moods change; always come prepared with protection.
In the end, some of the couples will be a one-night stand, and some will turn into lasting friendships. It’s important to communicate and be open to new possibilities. After all, that is what swinging is all about.
Personal Foul. Intentional Grounding. This Penalty Will Result In A Loss of A Down.
Guys, I get it. I am mixing sports metaphors. First baseball, now football… but stay with me. This is really important, so listen up. There are going to be times when you are out on a date and your wife just isn’t feeling it from the other male partner. Something just isn’t clicking, there is no spark, or he’s just not her type. Avoid, under all circumstance, her taking one for the team. This will not end well for either of you; and I promise the car ride back home will not be pleasant. Furthermore, this could jeopardize your whole swinging lifestyle. It’s just not worth it.
Ladies, unfortunately, not all gentlemen are going to be Prince Charming or Dior models. It’s important to sometimes look deeper. Is he funny? Does he make you laugh? Are you enjoying yourself around him? Is he being a gentleman? If so, hone in on that. Swingers, for the most part, are average human beings. Some will be older than you, some younger. Some may be a bit out of shape while others are gym rats. Most will be average. If you are having a good time, why not experiment with someone you typically wouldn’t considering dating before? I want to be clear, it’s ultimately your call. No man—not even your husband—has the right to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do. But ask yourself, why not this guy? This isn’t to talk you into anything you don’t want to do; it’s a simple question of reevaluating your comfort zone. At the end of the night, it should be a pleasant experience for all parties involved—regardless if sex happens or not.
Post Game Interviews
Hopefully, you are still with me here. If so, I understand this has been a lot of information and hopefully answered many of your questions. However, the experience isn’t quite over yet. Now that you and your partner have done the deed, so to speak, you will, no doubt, probably want to tweak some boundaries here and there. Not everything will go perfect all the time. Feelings or emotions may find a crack in your desires and seep in. This is perfectly normal. The goal is to talk about it with your partner. At the very least, you can say you’ve tried it and it wasn’t for you. At most, swinging can greatly enhance your already stable love life. Normally, newbies tend to find themselves squarely in the middle at first—unsure which way to lean. There are even veteran swingers who have laid down their bat after years of … games. And there are those, still going strong, many decades later from their first at-bat. It’s important to remember that swinging shouldn’t take the place of having a healthy sexual relationship with your own partner. This tends to cause resentment. No other couple you engage in sexual activity will feel slighted if they never hear from you again. It is all understood what is taking place when a successful date occurs. That is not to say you can’t (or shouldn’t) form friendships while in the community—think of it more as a one-time stand. However, you may have a couple that lives in your area, that you and your partner do become friends with; and on occasion, have fun with. There’s no problem in that… as long as everyone is respectful and knows the rules you all have set up together.
Are you and your partner interested in swinging? Do you still need to talk it out with someone in the know without committing to a decision? Drop us an email or leave a comment, and let us know. We’d be more than happy to answer any questions or concerns you may have. If needed (or desired), we could set up an online meeting to chat about it.