Cuck-A-Doodle-Do-Me
A Southern Chicken and Pineapple Cuisine
This song was on her 1984 comeback after a long and tumultuous duo career with her husband Ike Turner. Although it helped launch Turner’s comeback as a solo artist, she actually didn’t like the song at first. “According to Sound on Sound, she and her production team didn’t think it would be a hit. They were convinced “I Can’t Stand the Rain” would be the album’s big single. They were uninterested in recording “What’s Love” as a result, but they had to get the work done.”
So what exactly was Ms. Turner signing about in What’s Love Got to Do With It? Songfacts.com states, “[In What’s Love Got to Do with It], Tina Turner plays the part of a woman who enjoys the carnal encounters with her lover, but feels no emotional attachment. She wants him to know that there's nothing more to it, as for her it's purely physical. Their relationship has nothing to do with love, which she dismisses as ‘a sweet, old-fashioned notion.’” We have various words in the English language to describe this behavior and way of thinking. Unfortunately, most carry a negative connotation. Examples include whore, slut, skank, loose girl, etc. Guys have it much easier: playboy, stud, ‘the man,’ and so on. Even women addressing such behavior in men typically call them ‘players.’ This is a far cry from ‘whore’. However, there are couples that enjoy sex outside of their relationship. I’ll go over a few of these terms here as well as give you the best definition to each. Furthermore, I will try my best to give you real world examples as these terms apply to my marriage.
Let’s start with an easy one: cuckold. The word cuckold derives from the cuckoo bird. Female cuckoo birds are known for surreptitiously slipping into other birds' nests to lay their eggs. This behavior results in another bird taking care of their eggs and ensure they hatch safely. The term became predominate in medieval times—primarily used to describe men with promiscuous wives. It specifically referenced a man raising children that were not biologically his own. Today, cuckold is used to describe:
A man whose wife or girlfriend has sex with other men; and
A fetish in which men enjoy watching their female partner having sex with other men, particularly men who are more physically imposing (known as ‘bulls’).
I personally love hearing about my wife’s sexual exploitations (past or present). I have had the opportunity to watch my wife have sex with another man in my presence. To say it is like watching live porn takes away from the fact that 1.) this is my wife, 2.) I know what pleases her, 3.) watching various ways of others pleasing her, and 4.) the satisfaction of knowing she is safe and enjoying herself. As much as it revolved around her, I had the good fortune to still be a part of the experience. Even if I wasn’t present, she would, no doubt, not miss the opportunity to tell me every detail of the encounter. And the opposite is true. In fact, one of her ‘go-to’ fantasies while having sex with me is picturing me having sex with another woman—which she has witnessed multiple times.
In my previous article, “Peanut Butter and Jealousy,” I discussed jealousy and some of the characteristics associated with this complexed emotion. This article will talk about the flip side of that coin: compersion.
Compersion is loosely defined as jealousy’s opposite; or our wholehearted participation in the happiness of others; or a positive feeling that comes when knowing that a partner has been sexual or intimate with somebody else. I say ‘vaguely defined’ because, well… it’s not defined at all—at least not in the dictionary (online or otherwise). It’s a term used in the ethical (or consensual) non-monogamy world but largely associated with the polyamorous subcategory.
So how does compersion differ from cuckolding? It really boils down to intimacy. In the cuckold subcategory of consensual non-monogamy, one party enjoys the gratification of their partners having sex with a third-party. This can either be by watching the act itself or having their partner describe the experience to them. It’s all about the sex. When looking deeper into compersion, you can see it adds a layer of emotional intimacy to the act; an additional ingredient, if you will. I know what you are thinking, “But sex is intimate! Sex and intimacy are one and the same!” Well, not exactly. Allow me to explain using the simplest terms:
Sex is a physical act. Intimacy is emotional.
Of course, you can have intimate sex with someone you love. You will get no argument from me on this matter. However, you can also have sex without intimacy even remotely involved. Examples of this are one-night stands, swinging, friends with benefits, sex for hire, and unfortunately, rape. Furthermore, it isn’t uncommon for a couple to just have sex to eliminate stress or ‘just to get off.’ Sometimes, you’re just horny. Sex and intimacy can be (and arguably, most times) mutually exclusive.
“Compersion, or the positive emotion one may experience in response to their partner loving and/or being intimately involved with another partner, is a fascinating topic because, in our mononormative society, most people believe that the ‘normal’ or ‘natural’ reaction to one’s partner engaging intimately with another is jealousy,” explained Sharon M. Flicker, an assistant professor of psychology at California State University at Sacramento and director of the Relationships Lab. And there’s that word again: intimacy.
Are you starting to see the difference between compersion and cuckolding now? Cuckolding (typically) involves the act of sex absent of intimacy whereas compersion tends to include it. This is why the term compersion is largely associated with polyamory, or the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved. This is why it is easiest to think of compersion as jealousy’s opposite. Partners’ (women in particular) are more likely to forgive one-night stands versus their partner actively engaging in an intimate relationship in secrecy. Examples of this can be found in the aftermath of being caught:
In this example—and while the hurt of betrayal is very real—women tend to forgive physical infidelity more than they would intimate infidelity. According to a 2014 survey by Victoria Milan, an online dating site for people who are in relationships, “…there are some clear distinctions between how men and women view cheating:”
72 percent of men said sexual affairs were worse than emotional affairs.
69 percent of women said emotional affairs were worse than sexual affairs.
76 percent of women would forgive their partner for a strictly sexual affair
Only 35 percent of men would forgive their partner for a strictly sexual affair.
80 percent of men said they would forgive an emotional affair.
Only 30 percent of women would forgive an emotional affair.
I have a problem with statistics like this because typically it is administered by survey asking them to describe their predetermined possible actions in a hypothetical situation. As we know from experience, actions can be quite different when you are in the thick of it. However, I can personally relate to these results. In a previous relationship, I was caught cheating with another woman. And the conversation above is very accurate. In the end, she accepted the act of sex as a one-time event (it wasn’t; I was lying), we attended couples therapy (which we never spoke to the therapist together… odd), and finally moved past the infidelity. This, of course, isn’t the entire story but I will leave those details for another article.
We now resume our regularly scheduled program already in progress…
How does compersion (polyamory) fit into our marriage? The short answer is: it doesn’t. We have decided to only be intimate with each other. We have no problems having sex outside of our marriage and keeping intimacy strictly between each other. For us, we value intimacy as sacred and sex as fun. That isn’t to say our sex isn’t intimate—far from it. But there are times when we have sex for the fun of it and other times where we … make love, to use a cliché. How did we come up with arrangement? We talked… openly and honestly. From day one, we had a trust that was instant. There was really nothing to work on from that stand point. And through that trust, we logged hundreds of hours talking… debating… and sometimes arguing. But the point is we were listening to each other; taking in what the other was saying, processing, and talking some more.
If you are still with me here… I will let you in on a little secret about me. In every single relationship I have been in, I have cheated. Ever. Single. One. This includes two marriages. Why is this, you might ask (after calling me an asshole and that I am responsible for your lot in life)? One simple reason: I could not trust my other partners in communicating my desires. Or if I did—just a little to test the waters—I was either shot down immediately or, my favorite denial, “I’ve already done that before I met you and have no desire to do it again.” So I went outside my marriage(s). By now, you are probably wondering how in hell I landed a woman like the one I have now? Because she knows absolutely every single thing about me. I spared no dirty truth when we first started talking. Nothing in either of our conversations was off the table. No topic is out of bounds for us. We are an open book to each other—with the freedom of the other person to flip through any chapter and read (in detail) anything they wish to read.
So how do you try to circumvent cheating in a monogamous relationship?
Talk it out (insert laughter here.) “Yea, right. You want me to tell my wife I want to sleep with another woman? Are you insane?” Like most things in life, it is all in the delivery. But before we go down this road, let’s back up for a moment. As I mentioned above, in my article titled, “Peanut Butter and Jealousy,” not only did I discuss jealousy but also communication between you and your partner. I wrote in there, and I will write it here: Communication is vital to maintain and support a healthy relationship.
While communication is essential, what I didn’t outright mention previously is that communication is built upon trust. If you can’t trust your partner, you won’t openly communicate with them. And a lack of communication leads to resentment. And resentment, in turn, tends to lead to infidelity. As with sex and intimacy, love and trust are separate emotions that can be mutually exclusive. Of course, they can (and should) both exist at the same time in a healthy relationship but life and love don’t always make sense. You can love someone and not trust them. And you can trust someone and not love them (examples include your primary physician, a therapist, a surgeon, a car mechanic, etc.) And to reiterate the previously mentioned article, if you can’t trust your partner, your relationship needs professional help or termination. Without trust, you can’t communicate. Period.
Now, back to delivery. Say you love your partner and you can trust them with your thoughts and desires… now what? There are different approaches for different couples. The worst thing to do, however, is just blurt it out while standing in line at your local coffee shop ogling the barista. Doing that will result in two possible scenarios: the best and worst case. The best case is that you won’t get your coffee. The worst case is every man in the coffee shop now knows your partner is single and available as she walks out, leaving you alone in the line looking like as asshole. The best approach is to simply ask a question…
See… right out of the gate, you are letting her know of your loyalty to her and that your desires take a backseat to her trust in you. And that is key. Let’s continue…
Again, and of course, this conversation can go fifty different ways but if you trust someone, it tends to go something like that. And depending on which way said conversation travels will result in your destination. Both of you could arrive (at first) in exploring a threesome. Then perhaps that evolves into swinging with different couples, or single meet-up dates for sex. Along the way polyamory may show up to the parties and totally redefine your relationship. The sky is the limit. One important thing to note here is that while this is easy to type out in this article, the roads are not without hazards. What both of you need to keep in mind is that you are both in the same car, going down the same road… together. At any point, you can pull over at a preverbal rest stop to take a break, take an alternative exit to another highway, or even head back home if the weather gets rough. You (as a couple) make the rules of your relationship. There is no right or wrong way to reach your relationship goals. The method is strictly up to you both. The only rules are: drive responsibly and wear your seat belts.
We’d love to hear from you. What do you think about cuckolding, compersion, or swinging? Are you and your partner in a position that could sustain this lifestyle? What’s holding your relationship back from exploring your sexual fantasies? Our door (and inbox) is always open!