Daydreams About Night Things
and other whimsical fantasies about sex.
Fantasy is defined as the power or process of creating especially unrealistic or improbable mental images in response to psychological need (Merriam-Webster); a pleasant situation that you enjoy thinking about but is unlikely to happen, or the activity of imagining things (Cambridge Dictionary); and, a broad range of mental experiences, mediated by the faculty of imagination in the human brain, and marked by an expression of certain desires through vivid mental imagery. Fantasies are associated with scenarios that are absolutely impossible (Wikipedia).
These definitions don’t seem very encouraging when we consider fantasies are a normal part of our inner most thoughts. However, no one can quite explain why they exist. Why does the mind fantasize about things that cannot logically happen? The best answer… it just does. Our mind plays out different scenarios to divert, distract, or even arouse our physiology. If you think about it, fantasies help you better understand your wants or needs. We can fantasize about being filthy rich, going on an exotic vacation, or a bedroom rodeo with a sexy celebrity. All probably seem far-fetched at the moment you are pondering them; but, nevertheless, there they are… occupying space in your mind—right next to the question, “Did I remember to turn off the curling iron this morning?”
When it comes to our sexual fantasies, there are a variety of ways to use them to our advantage and make them more of a reality. Despite your relationship status, fantasies about deviant sexual encounters isn’t unusual or wrong. I remember being a bit jealous when my husband would talk about how sexually appealing an actress was while watching a movie a few years ago. He would elaborate on his fantasies about her. It was silly to be jealous as it was no way indicating that he thought she was more appealing than me (as if that were possible). It’s not a competition for his love or attention. I thought she was attractive as well, so why shouldn’t he?
Sexual fantasies invoke arousal and can boost your confidence. For me, if we are in the throws of sex, role-play encourages me to be as aggressive or more passive than I might be otherwise. If that sexy, hot actress my husband likes appears in a dominant role—e.g., Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow—I can put on some leather, my red hair, and work some moves that assert my dominance. He may be thinking about Scarlett, and that’s okay because I’m the one in bed with him. I am secure enough in my relationship to know his fantasies are just that, but should Scarlett ever come a knocking, she’s totally welcome in our bed and I’ll hold the camera.
Inside our heads, sexual fantasies roams freely and often. The porn industry allows a viewer to enjoy (and fantasize) vicariously. The displaced desire within becomes fuel for self-pleasure, as well as inspiration with our partners. Overall, porn—despite what the naysayers boast—is mostly viewed by normal individuals who simply enjoy the sexual stimulation. PornHub, one of the major players in the online pornography industry, release their most searched statistics every year. For 2021, the following were within in the top five.
Hentai - anime or manga that contains sexual or pornographic art.
Romance - sensual and passionate (see note below).
Group Sex - threesomes and or orgies.
Fitness - involves activities like yoga, exercise, and gym workouts.
Swapping - Swinging, cuckold, hot wives
Note: The Romance genre on PornHub has a variety of videos that can be sensual and erotic, or it can also be BDSM, gang bangs, etc. The “romance” title may be highly searched by women, but it doesn’t mean it’s romantic and it’s usually centered on the male point of view. Female filmmakers, like Erika Lust, produce films that are from the female’s perspective and focus on her pleasure.
I think it’s safe to assume almost everyone finds the physical act of sex more satisfying than fantasizing about sex. However, the appeal of sexual fantasies is due to the wide range of human interaction in ways that may not be morally acceptable in real life. This begs the question: “Whose morals?”
One might say that certain fantasies are best left as fantasies. However, what if you are in a relationship with someone that wants to consensually fulfill them? What if the words ‘improbable,’ ‘unlikely,’ and ‘impossible’ don’t exist with your partner? If I fantasize about having sex with two men and my husband is on board, then what’s to stop me? The disapproval of friends and family members? As my husband always says, “They don’t pay my bills or live my life. I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks.”
If we live our lives for others, conforming to the moralistic ideas of others, who’s life are we really living… ours or theirs?
I do have that one friend I know I can share anything. Is it important to share your sexual fantasies with others outside of your partner? No, not really. However, normalizing it may make people feel less ashamed about having them. For some, just having the fantasy is enough. For them, there is no need to act it out. That’s well within reason as reality can sometimes be a bitch when fantasies are tempted. They may not go as planned or not work at all.
I had a fantasy that became a reality when I tied up my husband (for the first time). I shared the highlights in my Glass of Kink Champagne article, writing about using chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and cherries on his body. In the movies, it looks so very sensual and sexy, and it was overall. But… the four neckties I bought weren’t long enough to reach the bed frame, so I had to tie two of them together for his wrists, leaving his ankles free. We had music playing in the background, a random Apple playlist. Imagine having your naked lover tied up, blindfolded, and you’re drizzling warm chocolate on their body when the theme song to Super Mario Bros. video game comes on. Seriously? We thought it hilarious at the time, but it wasn’t the mood I fantasized creating for us. Note to self: leave nothing to chance. Practice makes progress.
Do I consider it a fail?
Nope, not even a little bit.
Did it go as I planned in my fantasy?
Not exactly.
Did it discourage us from trying out other fantasies?
Absolutely not.
Some fantasies didn’t work out and we haven’t tried them again—at least not in the same capacity. I’ll explain. While engaged in the throws of sex, I wanted to be roughed up a bit, physically. I trust my husband more than anyone in the world, so it was easy for me to ask him to slap me—in the face. I wanted to see if I enjoyed it as much as getting spanked. He acquiesced—with several confirmations from me to ensure it’s what I wanted. After the first couple of slaps, I was turned on. Then I asked for him to slap me harder. After asking if I was sure, explaining he would back-hand me, I ignorantly approved. Let me tell you, it hurt like a motherfucker. I was both turned on and angry at the same time—like kill-a-bitch angry. I may have even sprouted a couple of tears, but I kept riding like the cowgirl I am. It was hot, but I knew that I would unlikely ask for hard slap like that again.
Note: Slapping your consenting partner during BDSM play is not just a simple slap on the face. There is an art form to it as it’s not meant to leave marks or cause lasting pain. Sienna Saint-Cyr explains on fetish.com in an article titled Hard Face Slapping: Doing it Right her experience:
People had tried hard face slapping me before, but it didn’t work. My jaw always hurt afterwards… The first time my Dom slapped me, I loved it instantly… aim is very important, and to hold the other cheek of the submissive to avoid injuring their neck. He said I should use the base of my fingers firmly when slapping, not the palm of my hand where there’s more force. He also advised slapping the fleshy part of the cheek or cheekbone - not down low around the jaw, or around the ear as this could cause a rupture to the eardrum.
There’s your little BDSM lesson of the day should face slapping be a fantasy you’d like to give or receive with your partner. Remember, trust and communication is important part of this type of play. Violence is never condoned.
Keep in mind that exploring your fantasies with a partner (or partners) may not go as planned or turn out to be your cup of tea. And that’s totally okay. Time to create a new fantasy and seek to try it out.
Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist, sex educator and researcher at the Kinsey Institute, asked 4,175 Americans about their fantasies. In his recent book, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, he shares the top seven categories discovered in his research. The goal is for “us to better understand our own sexual desires and how to attain them within our relationships, but also to appreciate why the desires of our partners may be so incredibly different.”
The first three represent the higher majority with the remaining four as prevalent in the research:
Multiple partners. This is Americans’ top erotic daydream. Almost everyone reported having it—87 percent of the women, 95 percent of the men.
Bondage, discipline, and Sadomasochism (BDSM). Almost everyone in Lehmiller’s survey reported BDSM daydreams—96 percent of the women, 93 percent of the men.
Sexual novelty and adventure. Top sexual novelty fantasies involved oral and anal play, particularly among those who rarely or never experienced them in real life. And more than half of study participants fantasized about sex in unconventional settings: in public, particularly on beaches and at work, in bars, elevators, hot tubs, parks, and forests.
Taboo/forbidden sex. These fantasies involved voyeurism, exhibitionism, fetishes, and incest.
Non-monogamy, partner sharing. These fantasies involve consensual non-monogamy, i.e., swinging, poly-relationships, hot wife, etc.
Passion and romance. Most sexual fantasies involve unrestrained sexual energy with a focus on loving and feeling loved (read: every Hollywood romantic movie ever made).
Flexibility, homoeroticism, gender-bending. These fantasies replaced heterosexuality with: lesbian/gay/bisexual liaisons, sex with transgender individuals, or becoming transgender.
Just when you thought your fantasies were abnormal, suddenly there is someone fantasying about a romantic BDSM session with their transgender sister in a forest where an orgy is taking place. The fact is that too many of us keep them bottled up, sometimes not even sharing them with a partner. And why is that? Because sharing makes us feel vulnerable. However, they may be having the exact same fantasy, so having the conversation is important to your relationship.
Lehmiller states:
[A]lmost everyone daydreams of being released from all sexual constraints. For those who feel generally fine about their relationships and sex lives, sexual fantasies allow expanded horizons. And for those who have serious complaints about their sex lives—no sex, too little sex, or boring sex—fantasies can, to some extent, substitute for what’s missing.
Any reputable mental health professional will tell you that sexual fantasies are absolutely normal and healthy. It’s perfectly okay to have over-the-top sexual fantasies and there is no reason to ever feel guilt or shame. Sharing sexual fantasies can bring you closer as a couple and have the potential to spice things up in bed. Perhaps start by sharing a less-adventurous fantasy before revealing the more taboo topics. Then you have to consider whether it’s actually something you want to actually experience.
According to Lehmiller, fantasies also give us an opportunity to change things we may not like about ourselves—such as our age, body, personality or a combination of these. He states that, “Overall, our fantasies appear to reflect who we are and seem to be designed to meet our unique psychological needs.” It’s not uncommon to even fantasize about our partners, rather than a celebrity or random neighbor; because we know that our partners are more capable of giving us what we need.
He also suggests that your personality may determine what you fantasize about. If you are an overly empathetic person, you may not fantasize about BDSM or infidelity. If you’re the boss in a high-stress environment, you may have fantasies where you have no control. Either way, just know that having these thoughts is perfectly acceptable and you far from being the only one. Being active in sexual fantasizing creates changes in your body, moving you from thinking about sex in the abstract to fueling real desire and arousal.
It’s well-known that men are visual creatures and more likely to have visually driven fantasies. They are turned on physically and psychologically once a libido-inspiring image registers in their brain. Women tend to fantasize about what someone might do to them—they are the objects of desire. They may imagine having sex with a random stranger, be the center of a threesome, or worshiped in bed. This is a responsive desire versus the man’s spontaneous one.
Neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sui Gaddam wrote A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the World's Largest Experiment Reveals about Human Desire; published in 2011. They observed what men and women do on the Internet by analyzing billions of web searches, millions of Web sites, erotic videos, erotic stories, personal ads, and digital romance novels.
Men’s brains form their sexual interests during adolescence and rarely change, while women’s sexual interests are dynamic and change frequently throughout their lives. In men, physical arousal and psychological arousal are united, while in women, psychological arousal is separated from physical arousal.
The pursuit of sexual arousal can exist totally independent of your relationship and has little to do with emotional intimacy. Lehmiller states…
Declining sexual interest in a long-term partner and being excited by variety is probably to be expected, rather than a sign that there’s something wrong with you or your relationship.
Fantasies, especially when shared with a partner, reinvigorates that sexual excitement. Studies have shown that couples who report having the most intense feelings for each other are those who engage in the most new and exciting activities together.
Once you embrace the normalcy of having sexual fantasies, it will strengthen the sexual communication between you and your partner by sharing them. Keep in mind that just because someone has a sexual fantasy, it doesn’t necessarily mean they want to play it out. There is overlap between fantasy and desire, but they are not synonymous. Sometimes just having the conversation—without prejudice—is enough to get things heated. However, if you and your partner do want to play them out, it’s time to get the fantasy party started.
Get naked; roll around in whipped cream; grab the leather whips; put on the hand-cuffs; swing…
…but don’t forget, I like my hair pulled.
If you have any questions about this topic or sex in general, check out our other articles on sexdemystified.substack.com; or drop us an email. We will be more than happy to help you in your sexual adventure. Be sure to follow us on social media, too!