Entertainment, Food, And Affection
And Other Way to Mitigate Expectations When Online Dating
Online dating isn’t for everyone, however for a large portion of those looking for a partner, it’s exceedingly common. Using an online dating app can be a convenient way to find your happily ever after, or even just to hook up for sex. To believe this method of dating is easier than meeting someone at a bar is a misconception. It takes just as much effort with finding the right site to use, filling out your profile, and matching with a potential mate. Then there’s the task of chatting online to determine if meeting in person is warranted. Dating in any capacity isn’t always easy; the same can be said in finding opportunities to meet someone. In this article, I will cover some of the online options, as well as share personal stories from my experiences.
The process of online dating usually includes revealing more than you probably ever realized about yourself. The first obstacle is determining how you want to relay that information. Do you want to be clever, funny, or serious? Do you want to elaborate on your personality or keep brevity in mind? Then there’s the task of choosing the photos to upload. Your photos are the equivalent to first impressions when meeting someone in person. It’s a lot to consider when deciding which images show the real you and your character. After all is said and done, your information feeds into an algorithm that sorts through potential candidates—narrowing down which person has the same goals, ideals, values, and interests.
My personal style is to be sassy in my descriptions and choose photos that lean toward the conservative. In other words, despite being delighted with my breasts, I don’t want them to be the focal point. I want a match that can equal my level of sarcasm and wit. Easily offended need not apply. I’d like to say that being attractive isn’t a requirement, but let’s be real—it is. However, it isn’t just about the superficial; it’s how someone dresses, if they’re smiling, and what they’re doing in the image. Photos of you and your dog are adorable, but don’t get my attention; nor do the ubiquitous shirtless pics of you holding a fish. In the end, a genuine smile is a selling point, as is obvious self-confidence.
There are infinite sites that offer ways to find a soulmate online, or if you prefer hook-ups (a.k.a., just sex). We are all very busy in our own way and finding your romantic connection doesn’t always present itself. Research which dating platforms are for you based on the partner you’d like to spend time with. I’ve looked into some of these sites and here’s what I found at the top.
Tinder - For a no-strings-attached good time, Tinder is for you. It is notoriously known for being a platform for those wanting only a sexual encounter. Tinder is international and can travel with you all over the U.S., as well as match singles all over the world. You can subscribe for free or choose options that are ad free and more in-depth. Using Tinder is extremely easy allowing you swipe left or right to indicate people you are most interested. In turn, if you swipe right on someone you’d like to meet, and they swipe right on your profile, you’re instantly connected. The downside is that profiles are limited only offering gender, date of birth, interests, and sexual preferences. No quizzes to determine your personality. You will also have to give the app access to your location to match with those in your area.
Bumble - This platform is designed with the woman in mind—they have to make the first move. The site’s goal is to empower women to choose their mate by way of “shaking up outdated gender norms.” As with Tinder, Bumble uses a swipe right/swipe left model to let users sort through and match with potential partners. It’s still considered a hook-up site, but long-term relationships are always a possibility. There are no unsolicited messages or dick-pics—unless you want them from whomever you connect. Although the app is free, you are limited to the number of “swipes” and a 24-hour timeframe to reply to a match. For the paid subscription, you may extend that timeframe, rematch with expired potentials, and see those who are attracted to you before having to swipe.
Match - This dating site has been around since 1995 and available in 24-countries. Their claim to fame is to “create romantic opportunities so singles are more likely to find someone special.” These online dating pioneers have a series of screening questions to ensure a perfect match is made. This isn’t about hooking up, but finding a life-partner. You have the opportunity to share your faith, political views, education, interests, and many other areas of conversation we venture into when conversing on a date. The interactions once you find a match are done by messaging before moving forward to an in-person date. There is a very-limited free subscription, but the paid plans offer more options; such as unlimited messaging, see who’s liked or viewed your profile, and boosting your profile to ensure more opportunities to find your match.
Other sites geared toward the relationship minded include eHarmony, who like Match, offers an 80-question compatibility test. Zoosk uses behavior technology to find your mate. They feature SmartPick™—which is an algorithm that learns users’ behaviors such as the kind of profiles they have liked or disliked to provide customized match recommendations. Plenty-of-Fish is a site for those forty-years and older that are looking for matches in their age-group. They offer Cue Me!—a game with a series of quirky questions designed to show a side others may not see from basic profile prompts.
Although many of the mentioned dating sites appeal to the LGBTQ+ community, many are solely designed for that purpose. Grindr is LGBTQ+ friendly, however it is mostly used by gay men looking to hook-up in their area. Instead of swiping, you'll get a variety of people who are close by. Taimi believes sexuality is fluid (which it is) and offers the LGBTQ+ community a place to explore all of the possibilities. They claim to represent a wide range of gender identities and sexualities.
I know what you’re thinking… What about married couples?
Well, some of the aforementioned dating sites do fit the bill for couples looking to enhance their sex life. Partners can use Tinder, Bumble, and even the infamous Ashley Madison. Another route is to venture toward sites specifically created for swinging or open relationships. Kasidie is designed for swingers, singles, and groups who appreciate the uninhibited sexual experience the Lifestyle provides. You and your partner can meet with local swingers, those visiting the area, or when you’re traveling out of town. They also provide the opportunity to find a single partner for your threesome-tryst. Another site is SDC, the Swingers Date Club. Not unlike Kasidie, you can get together with other like-minded people, as well as find swinging parties in your area.
As you can see, there is no shortage of sites available that are geared to finding a date. In the tradition of Sex Demystified’s transparency, I’ll share our encounters with some of these sites. Our experience isn’t meant to encourage or deter you by any means. We’ve found both success and failure over the past years. I’ll start with the two failures that demonstrate it isn’t always easy to be in the dating world.
About five years ago, both my husband and me created profiles on Bumble to seek potential partners for a one-night-stand, as it were. It’s no secret to my readers that we are not only swingers, but also in an open relationship. Our experience with Bumble wasn’t positive, but definitely not because of the site. It was solely because of the individual people we met online.
We’ll start with my story.
I matched with a guy we’ll call Max. He was not only extremely attractive but had a fantastic personality. I honestly thought I hit the lottery with him because we had so much in common. He was divorced, had two children, and was in advertising—a creative type. He was charming and funny, and I looked forward to our daily chats. He never pressured me to meet in the two weeks we connected online. We eventually shared phone numbers, along with random photos of our day. Nothing risqué overall, but sexy selfies.
We determined it was time to meet up for drinks and set the date. It would be at the bar of a local restaurant where we could spend some one-on-one time. I would like to note that Max was very much aware I was married and in an open-relationship. My profile was very clear and discussions were had in the beginning. He knew this was solely for a sexual get-together, yet never once insinuated that was all he wanted as well. I, like many women, have to be attracted intellectually regardless of physical attraction. The weeks of chatting sealed the deal for me.
In the spirit of first dates, I went shopping for new clothes—with my husband being my fashion consultant. I selected a sexy, slightly shear, white t-shirt that sparkled in the right light. I also picked up a similar black t-shirt and a three-tiered necklace; which was at the advice of my husband. I chose to wear the black shirt (no bra), necklace, jeans, and black high heels for my date. I looked hot, if I may say so myself.
I arrived to a less than crowded bar on a Wednesday night a few minutes before our scheduled time. Although I knew what Max looked like, meeting in person totally hits different when you’re scanning the bar for a familiar face. I was slightly nervous when I didn’t see him and sat down at the bar. I received a text about five minutes later from Max letting me know he was running late. I ordered a beer, trying to temper the nerves. It was another ten minutes before he arrived. He was way more good-looking in person, however when he sat down next to me I could tell that he was as high as a kite. I was instantly annoyed, but kept smiling. I felt disappointment flowing through me, but decided to give him a chance. Legs and necessary bits were shaved, so I wanted the effort to mean something. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was also nervous and perhaps needed to take the edge off.
We moved to an outside table with our beer and continued to talk. The cadence in his speech was slow and it took effort to structure his sentences. After thirty-minutes, I wanted to leave; but I couldn’t bring myself to tell Max it wasn’t working for me. What would I say that wouldn’t hurt his feelings?
Sadly, at the time, I was more concerned with his sensitivities than my own.
Another round was ordered and conversations began to get cyclical. He was repeating things he already shared within the previous hour. I started finishing his sentences pretending I had a sixth sense of what he had to say. Max was very impressed with my intuitiveness and thought we were deeply connected.
I knew his time was up when a debate began about my astrological sign. I don’t care about such things, but I know I’m a Sagittarius. He insisted I was wrong and actually a Capricorn. It was all ridiculous, but I was well over the thrill of meeting him. I had graciously given him two-hours of my time and watched his face drop when I got up to leave. He didn’t try to convince me to stay and simply stood up to say goodbye. We kissed briefly on the lips and I walked away as he sat back down. I never heard from Max again.
My husband’s experience was a bit more emotionally challenging. As I mentioned before, Bumble is designed for the woman to reach out first. As with my profile, his was clear that he was married and in an open relationship. His profile was more flexible when it came to the age group of potential matches. I prefer men closer to my age (40+) and his selected range started in the mid-twenties. It wasn’t too long before a woman reached out—we’ll call her Kristy. Unlike my two-weeks of back-and-forth chatting, it took a week for my husband to have an in-person date.
Kristy was in her mid-twenties and her profile photo displayed a sort of hipster look with short, light-brown hair, a beanie, and band t-shirt. Kristy had a lot of questions about his and my relationship, all the while seemingly understanding what he was ultimately wanting from her. They met up at a bar to see if there was further chemistry. She was charming, but obviously limited in mutual conversation due to the almost twenty-year age difference. Like me, she wanted to get to know my husband first and had many conversations about favorite movies, music, and random likes or dislikes.
After a couple of hours, she wanted to go to a local dive-bar for a change of scenery. Even though he isn’t a huge beer drinker, he maintained a facade that having another round was ideal. Despite his end goal, he wanted to ensure she was comfortable and let her determine the direction of their date—never implying that he was ready to get it on. Three hours into their date, she invited him back to her apartment.
Kristy lived alone, however it was obvious she owned a cat because the smell of a litter box was overwhelming when he entered. Her apartment was also quite warm given there was no central air—only a single window unit that remained off. She offered him a beer and suggested watching one of her favorite independent, B-movies. Although it wasn’t what he had in mind, she seemed excited about showing it to him, confident he’d love it. He didn’t have the heart to decline, so he sat down on the couch and she snuggled up close to him. (For the record, he hated the movie and still talks about how awful it was.)
After the movie ended, she suggested another. Confident sex wasn’t going to happen, he let her know he’d love to but it was time to leave. The reason given was that our open marriage arrangement was that he was home by midnight. Not true, but he needed an out that wouldn’t hurt her feelings.
This was around 11:30 p.m. He then excused himself to the bathroom and let me know he was going to call it a night. When he returned to the room, Kristy asked him to stay, suggesting they head into her bedroom. Given that’s what he came for and she ultimately made the decision, he stayed. She turned on her A/C unit and turned off all the lights. She led every step of the way for their sexual encounter and he reciprocated based on her encouragement. With my husband so uncomfortably hot and the smell of cat urine filtering through his nose, he maneuvered through several positions before finally faking an orgasm; but not before Kristy experienced hers.
It was now 11:50 and my husband laid still for a few minutes, not wanting to be rude despite his longing to breathe fresh air. He was concerned about her feelings, so he waited for a sign it was okay to get up. After a little pillow talk, she mentioned that given the time, he probably needed to get home. He graciously got dressed and left; but, not before telling her he’d reach out in the morning as he kissed her goodnight.
When he arrived home, I had assumed that nothing happened given it had only been forty-minutes since he texted me that he was leaving. Wasn’t I surprised when he filled me in on all that went down. The next day he sat at his desk to work, texting her as promised. At first, everything was pleasant, but by mid-afternoon, Kristy was upset and texting relentlessly. My husband knew he’d never see her again, however he isn’t the kind of man who is cruel unnecessarily. He let her know he was working and had meetings to attend to—which was all true.
Kristy wanted to chat about going out again—not for sex, but on a date—like to the movies, to Disney World, or perhaps a concert. When his responses weren’t quick enough or confirming he’d like to do the same, she became agitated. In the midst of all this, and his business meetings, he kept me in the loop about her texts. I could see he was becoming stressed and wanting to be careful about how he responded. Kristy only became angrier and began blasting him about how he used her and took advantage of her for sex.
This is when I stepped in. At no point was Kristy deceived about the terms of the date; and it was she who decided to initiate sex with my husband without any verbal encouragement from him. At first, I texted her from his phone, introducing myself. I relayed ever so gently that things were getting out of hand and that my husband was overwhelmed because he truly didn’t mean to hurt her. I laid out all the facts and made it clear that she was to stop texting him. I gave her my number to continue the conversation if she wanted. I received the following from her:
“Look, I did not want this amount of drama AT ALL. I’m really sorry if I gave the impression I was hurt or wanted more from him. I only wanted fun and wish you both the best.”
That was the end of our encounter with Kristy. The situation warranted us saving all communication between Kristy and us as insurance that we were always open and honest with her. (See #MeToo.) This would also be the end of our Bumble experiment. When it comes to an open relationship, we find that sites that cater to the Lifestyle community are best. In the end, we don’t always get the experience we imagine it might be. There has to be an acceptance, like with any kind of dating, it may not work out.
Our swinging experiences vary from positive to negative, as well. We’ve gone on numerous dates with other couples that have been fantastic, even if it didn’t end with sex. Then we have couples that we’ve engaged in sex after a great night of conversation. We’ve also gone on dates that were awful—like the one where the wife ignored us the entire time and only paid attention to her phone. Or, another when the husband, without any warning, got up after five minutes and said, “This isn’t working for me.” He walked off, leaving his wife at the table, embarrassed and apologetic.
We may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but at least give it time to steep!
All this to say, if you’ve ever dated before, you surely can sympathize. The key to online dating is to be honest about who you are and what you’re looking for in a relationship. You just might find your forever, or you just might find your right now. Only you can determine if the effort is worth it in the end.
Leave a comment if you have any questions or would like to share your story.
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