It’s early on a Tuesday afternoon and I’m sitting poolside at a hotel that overlooks the Atlanta Braves stadium. I accompanied my husband on a business trip and felt inspired to write while waiting for him to finish his meetings. My initial thought was to catch up on some reading, however I was distracted by a group that has gathered on other side of the pool. I love to people watch, especially when there’s alcohol involved. Minding my own business is no longer an option. Mirrored sunglasses are best for this if you’re taking notes.
The middle-aged group of six is comprised of four women and two men. I gathered they might be business colleagues unwinding after a morning of meetings. Along with a pitcher of some adult cocktail they probably concocted in someone’s hotel room, they also brought a small speaker. This was, no doubt, to blast 80s music to have an excuse to speak loudly over the likes of Duran Duran. As time wore on and laughter filled the air, two of them decided to do a little erotic dancing poolside. As the minutes ticked by, others became more touchy-feely—moving closer as they talked; a sleight of hand on the arm or the inevitable lean-in whisper in the ear. I can almost feel the sexual tension from across the pool. This behavior is bound to happen during most social gatherings, whether it’s intentional or not.
Sexual tension is a combination of sexual attraction and interpersonal chemistry between two people—with the added touch of not being able to immediately satisfy that need due to outside circumstances. The attraction seemingly has a mind of its own as there is no way of really knowing when, or if, it might strike. The only exception to this is if the tension has been building for a while, say with a coworker in the office. Everyday the flirtation continues, but the confines of the office prevent either of you from relieving that tension. And then, suddenly, it’s time to come back to reality and go home—anticipating the next encounter tomorrow. Theories offer that sexual attraction may be biology, past experiences, or even pheromones. It can happen when you first meet someone or with a person you’ve spent a lot a time with. It can also happen with someone you haven’t met but see across a room. Essentially, it may bring two people together who both feel the vibes bouncing off one another.
I would venture to say most have the same experiences I’ve had when sexual attractions hits—you feel almost euphoric. It’s like you’ve taken a psychedelic drug and those pesky butterflies are tingling all the senses. As sexual attractions develop, the sensual cues become salient. I remember the first time I met my husband almost nine years ago. I was visiting my girlfriend who lived out of town, and we had brunch with a couple she knew—my current husband and his now ex-wife. The moment I shook his hand and looked directly into his eyes, I was immediately tingling all over.
At the time I was married; however, there was no denying the sexual magnetism we felt. A better part of that afternoon was spent with discreet flirtatious eye-contact. My hand would touch his arm during conversation and his would lightly touch my lower back, guiding me as we walked around after brunch. We found ourselves alone at one point while roaming around at an antique store. We were suddenly face-to-face and I instantly felt a surge of energy in my lady parts. I promptly moved back as the urge to kiss him felt overwhelming. Fortunately, no one in our little group was wise to what was going on. Although unhappy in my marriage and divorce was imminent, I honestly didn’t want to interfere someone else’s marriage.
You might be thinking that because we’re now married that I did interfere. Not exactly; it turns out he was just as unhappy. It was months before we reconnected after that initial meeting. Oddly enough, it was because of our mutual friend—although we aren’t sure if she was really aware of how much she was pushing us together. She would initiate group chats with just the three of us and encouraged my meeting up with him when I was in town. I firmly believe she was sexually attracted to him as well. Nevertheless, by 2016, he and I were both divorced. This is when he made the move two hours south to be near me. Good, bad, or indifferent—however one may view our relationship beginnings—I believe the sexual attraction was the precursor to fate intervening. Call me a philosopher.
I am definitely not implying that we should all pursue the person that ignites our sexual flame, even if they’re married. Things just worked out in our favor and we are grateful. There are many times where people leave their spouse and get together because of sexual attraction, leaving broken hearts along the way. They soon discover that the only thing working in the relationship is sex and they regret the decisions they’ve made.
There are several types of sexual attraction we encounter based on our individual preferences and sexual orientation. Attraction is unique and as dynamic as our personalities. Here are a few types, in their basic form, that ignite desire or arousal in relation to another person:
Androsexual (an-droh-sek-shoo-uhl) — someone who is sexually attracted to men and their masculine characteristics.
Gynesexual (gahy-nuh-sek-shoo-uhl) — someone who is sexually attracted to women and their feminine characteristics.
Sapiosexual (sā-pē-o-sek-shoo-uhl) — someone who is sexually attracted to a person's mind rather than appearance. This person must first feel intellectually stimulated.
Bisexual (by-sek-shoo-uhl) — someone who is sexually attracted to both the same and opposite sex.
Skoliosexual (skoh-lē-ō-sek-shoo-uhl) — someone who is attracted to transgender, non-binary, or ambiguously gendered people.
Foregoing any labels, we like what we like and know when we see it on another person. I’m attracted to eyes and the masculine arms of a man first; then his wit and intellect once we engage in conversation—both in speech and substance.
Sexual attraction can also be found in circumstance rather than physical characteristics. There are studies that show when you’re hungry, you’re more open to various types of people (specifically plus size) that you may not have been initially attracted towards. A rush of adrenaline may elicit sexual arousal with research indicating, “that by putting couples in a scenario which stimulates their emotional arousal, their affiliative behavior towards each other increase as well.” This study used several pairs of people riding a roller coaster together who demonstrated a mutual attraction afterwards. Given that life has been compared to a roller coaster ride with its ups and downs, I believe that’s most fitting.
Similarity-Attraction Paradigm
One of the larger aspects of sexual attraction when dating, or even random encounters, is discovering similarities. In conversation you find out they went to the same college, are from the same city, have the same values, or have the same favorite rock band. Even something simple as whether or not they are a morning person can influence the potential relationship. Similarity effect tends to be strongest and most consistent for attitudes, values, activity preferences, and attractiveness.
One of the more intriguing aspects of my relationship was discovering my husband and I had so many things in common. We went back to college the same year during our forties, we were born in the same area of Texas, we loved antique shopping (especially for old books), and we are both not morning people—to name a few. There were many other aspects of commonality leading us to feel even more connected during those courting days.
Dr. Angela Bahns, along wither her colleagues, performed a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology about how we tend to seek similarity in relationships.
[I]f potential friends and partners do not meet a minimum standard of similarity, there would be little interest in continued interaction beyond the pairs initial encounter… Just acquainted individuals can make very quick assessments of whether a potential relationship is worth pursuing, which are based in part on similarity…
Medical Daily writer Dana Dovey deduced that Dr. Bahns’ study offers the “realization that people are rarely capable of change and that lack of change can lead to problems down the road, the safe bet is to go for the one most like you from the start.”
This isn’t to say that we are to be exactly the same. As partners, differences tend to create a balance between the two parties, e.g., strengths in one person countering the weaknesses in another person. In fact, many choose to seek someone who is their complete opposite. It’s in those differences we find ways to add intensity to our lives. Some may have needs and desires that are unfulfilled, such as adventure and sexual freedom. The potential outcome of having an introvert date and extrovert, for example, is heightened motivation to pursue a fulfilling and passionate relationship. The two compliment each other, creating that aforementioned balance in their relationship. Although these types of relationships can be thrilling, they may require more effort to maintain. Continual balance takes willingness from each person to shift into their partner’s world without compromising their own.
The Paradox of Attraction
Let’s touch on fatal attraction. No, not the Glenn Close kind of attraction that left men terrified of extramarital affairs (as they should be). It’s not as simple as someone stalking you after you’ve ended an affair. This is when the same quality that you once loved about your partner has now become your biggest turn-off. Some of these fatal attractions could be:
He loves to work out, staying physically fit. Then you become annoyed that it’s his obsession to exercise every single day, even while on vacation.
She is confident and strong-willed, always knowing what she wants. Soon, you begin to feel she’s too dictatorial and unyielding.
You love the fact your partner is spontaneous and free-spirited. As time wears on, you begin to think they are now unpredictable and irresponsible.
Those qualities that initially attracted you are now clouding sex appeal. The perceived attraction led to sexual gratification initially; however, it diminishes when you discover they aren’t what you actually wanted. The qualities of our partners contribute to how we feel—positively or negatively—about the quality of our relationships. The rush of feeling sexually attracted influences the overall appeal of the other person.
We tend to view potential partners through rose-colored glasses, celebrating the compatibilities. And when that “honeymoon phase” is over, and those rose-colored glasses are replaced with polarized lenses, sexual attraction becomes less intense. As time wears on, however, you begin to realize incompatibilities in the relationship creating negative issues too hard to ignore.
I’m sure we’ve all heard the concept of believing we can change a person or their habits in a relationship. It’s always a bad idea to be attracted to someone you believe can be trained or molded into what you perceive as a better version of themselves—as you see it. We can only expect to expand their world or knowledge by introducing new concepts or ideas. Getting involved in a relationship with the expectation you or your partner will transform to meet some ideal standard is a recipe for disaster and disappointment.
Swallowed In The Abyss
When sexual attraction draws two people together, there’s a fire of infatuation igniting mutual passion without much effort. Sexual attraction’s end goal is sex, however keep in mind that romantic attraction isn’t altogether separate. If you have regular sex with someone, eventually you’re going to be hit by all the feels. Some may choose not to acknowledge their romantic inclinations, however human nature will likely get in the way.
When it comes to casual sex, well… then it’s anyone’s guess where that may lead. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a ‘hook-up’ as you are free to express yourself sexually and experiment, with the bonus of sexual satisfaction (hopefully). Sociosexuality is defined as a willingness to engage in sexual activity without having emotional ties. They can be more restricted with fewer sex partners and short-term relationships; or less restricted where they have more sex partners and likely to stay single.
Everyone has their own preferences for a mate and various goals for a relationship, even if it’s just for one night. Remember, sexual attraction and chemistry cannot be planned. Sometimes it just needs to be resolved if both parties are willing.
I Saw The Sign
There are signs to look for that someone may be sexually attracted to you; some are subtle while others are overt. They aren’t absolute, and generally tend to be involuntary when attraction takes place. I instantly recognize when women are flirting as I’ve executed many of the moves. She may run her fingers through her hair, or play with a few strands, wrapping them around her finger; or her hands touch her neck constantly. Men may stand taller and make efforts to be very close. He’ll stare intently into her eyes when talking; and he may begin to fidget or touch his chin repeatedly. Think of when you see actors playing out a scene—it seems way more obvious than when you’re doing the flirting.
Generally, one can feel the sexual tension when it’s mutual. Interestingly enough, you may also feel it when it’s between two other people—recognizing the inclinations. They may begin with physical contact by continually reach out to touch hands, arms or shoulders—much like what I witnessed poolside in Atlanta. They may lick their lips frequently as the thought of kissing is overwhelming.
People who are attracted tend to lean in during conversation as if secrets are being shared. It’s also natural to feel slightly awkward trying to come up with witty things to say; however, rest assured that all of your jokes will be hilarious if they like you. Apparently sexual attraction makes you quite the comedian. I tend to be playfully sarcastic as teasing is my flirting tactic. I find the situation to feel more provocative when he looks away, a little flushed.
When one person isn’t interested in the other, they tend to make it obvious with body language, short answers, and looking away. There is a distant demeanor as if they are distracted. With someone like me, I try to be more empathetic and attempt to be polite—as being friendly is in my nature. I may allow the conversation to continue for a bit, but there will be hints dropped about a husband; or the topic will deflect away from anything personal. Some people are more straightforward—which for me would be ill-mannered given my southern roots. However, some people like the direct approach to quickly know where things stand.
Why waste anyone’s time?
Despite not having any signs the attraction is mutual, or they blatantly tell you to buzz off, those sexual urges may still be a flutter. You have to keep in mind the other person’s perspective by not allowing the sexual tension you feel to make them uncomfortable. The reality of the situation is you need to move on because pursuing them is disrespectful to both of you. You deserve someone who is actually wants to get to know you—who is sexually attracted to you. Don’t sell yourself short.
I don’t know how the group ended their day in the warm Atlanta sun. However, I can guess at least two of them didn’t go back to their hotel room alone. Whether you’re looking for that special someone or just wanting a casual encounter, find that person who makes your heart race and your body tingle. Those forces that pull you toward someone can be influenced by physical cues alone, so think about the signals you’re sending. A the Law of Attraction dictates, we are responsible for bringing both positive and negative influences into our lives.
If you have any questions about this topic or sex in general, check out our other articles on sexdemystified.substack.com; or drop us an email. We will be more than happy to help you in your sexual adventure. Be sure to follow us on social media, too!