There is a never-ending debate on what sex education should be for our kids. It’s a misguided moral fear that if we teach them too much about sex, we’ll end up with sexually-charged teenagers looking to knock boots at every opportunity. I hate to spoil the surprise, but they already are sexually charged due to hormones; igniting sexual impulses and romantic feelings is their jam. However, they don’t realize this is going on. That’s why it’s essential we lay the foundation as parents with sex education. Research has shown that human brain circuitry is not mature until the early 20s—if ever. The prefrontal cortex to the midbrain reward system is under construction; this is where romantic love deploys power.
We also argue about what’s appropriate for them to learn in the watered down version their current sex ed curriculum of abstinence and STDs. Should we teach them about intercourse and what the body is experiencing? Would educating them really lead to promiscuity? I would venture to say absolutely not. What it will teach them is to be comfortable with their body, learn about their boundaries, and be able to handle the inevitable act of having sex.
I assure you that one day they will have intercourse, regardless of sex education. Shouldn’t they be armed with the knowledge of what it means to have sex beforehand, both emotionally and physically?
As parents, we have to remember that we are not our kid’s friend. We are more like a guidance counselor helping them navigate life as they become adults. We teach them how to talk, feed themselves, use the bathroom, and acquire requisite hygiene practices. We also ensure they are respectful, kind, humble, disciplined, and have common social courtesies. We introduce the world to our children, feeding their minds with the information we’ve learned and ensuring they have an education. Unfailingly, we will also indoctrinate them with our personal beliefs and practices. It happens even if our goal is for them to learn to think for themselves and develop their own critical thinking skills.
We want the best for our kids and we never want them to learn the hard way. But inevitably, they will take the tough road because they will assert their independence and explore limits, take risks, break rules, and rebel. They find it more difficult to think before acting and can be overwhelmed by the urge for new experiences. They do all of this while still relying on their parents for support and protection. They will make mistakes. Realistically, our kids do have to fail in order to learn. It’s just the circle of life and we, as parents, will be there to talk them through everything. My favorite conversations with my kids always start with, “Mom, you were right.”
Well, duh… I am wise and all powerful.
However, when it comes to sex education this is an area we don’t want failure as a teaching tool. These types of failure lead to pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, or worse, finding themselves in a situation were boundaries were crossed and they’ve been accused or a victim of sexual assault. Our teenagers need to understand the intrinsic meaning of sexual intercourse and all it encompasses.
Who do you want teaching them?
We have three offspring: two boys and one girl. Having the discussion about sex wasn’t an easy one, but it had to be done. It wasn’t a one-and-done conversation as it’s always open for discussion. For those of us who have had sex, we know there is way more to know than STDs and pregnancy. Our two boys are now men in their early twenties, and our daughter is seventeen. We’ve talked about what it means to have sex, what to expect, and how to be respectful in a relationship. This is still an ongoing process.
We don’t discuss our sexual activity with our kids, however they are aware that we have sex. I assure you, they have no desire to discuss our romps in the bedroom any more than I want to think about my own parents in bed. It’s most unsettling. The important thing is they know they can talk to either of us about any aspect of sex or sexuality. We don’t shy away from any topic and have many in depth talks—albeit “hypothetical" rather than specific experiences. (Wink, wink.)
When it comes to our daughter, not unlike any other parents of girls, we’d like to think she’ll be in her thirties, married, and a full career in motion when she has sex for the first time. Realistically, we know that probably won’t be the case, so for her we are far more in-depth in our sex talks, especially when it comes to knowing her personal boundaries.
We live in a society where women are hypersexualized regardless of what they wear, the jobs they have, and how they behave. Our daughter has to navigate her way through all of that and know how to react should boundaries be crossed. It is challenging to explain certain aspects of human behavior without making someone fearful of relationships or constantly thinking everyone has nefarious intentions. The best we can do is ensure that she is comfortable with who she is and set boundaries in her relationships.
As parents, we have to take the reins in our teenager’s sex education. Encouraging them to wait to have sex until they're married is vague—they need to know what they’re waiting for. I would definitely agree that we should encourage them to at least be in a committed, loving relationship. They should be told that having sex with someone is the utmost way to physically intimate with another human being—elaborating how it lends itself to being more emotionally safe and meaningful. If you want to encourage no sex before marriage, that’s perfectly understandable. Help them understand that when you're married, sexual intercourse strengthens the union. Explain that sex indicates to the other person, "I give myself to you completely.”
Also, keep in mind that sex and sexuality are not the same thing. Sex is a physical act that when experienced thoughtfully at the right time and with the right person, it can be a wonderful part of the human experience. Sexuality is about a broad range of issues that include healthy regard for our own bodies.
The Numbers Game
The Center for Disease Control (CDC) provided statistics of sexually active teenagers, aged 15 to 19, in May 2020. The survey was conducted by the National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG) during the years of 2015 to 2017, and it included 924 females and 886 males. Statistics showed that 42% of the females and 38% of the males had experienced sexual intercourse. You might be relieved to know that almost all used a condom. Call me sexist, but I was surprised that more females had sexual intercourse in this survey than the males. This wasn’t always the case because the same NSFG survey in 1988 reported 60% for the boys and 50% for the girls had had sex.
What about when you were in high school? Are you validating these statistics? As I mentioned in my Darling Nikki article, I was 18 when I had sex for the first time. My husband was 15. Clearly we both fall into those percentages. With this in mind, it isn’t far fetched to think our teenagers might be sexually active. I do hate to make you cringe at the thought, but there are many ways to be sexually active.
Vaginal sex
Anal sex
Oral sex
Hand jobs/Fingering
Dry-humping
The key to getting our teenagers to understanding sexual activity is by talking with them about all of those things. Whether or not you discourage it is irrelevant. They should understand the intricacies of sex and not be left to figuring it out on their own. This generation has access to everything on the internet with their phones and computers. We’ve all fallen down the hyperlink rabbit-hole and found ourselves far from what we were originally searching for online. I’ve even had porn sites pop up on Google with innocent search terms. All it takes is one curious mind.
I desperately tried to curb what my kids watched or the sites they explored online when they were younger. What I had no control over is what they could learn from their friends whose parents may not have been as proactive. As I mentioned, access to sexual knowledge is much easier for this generation. Have you thought about what you want them to know? The chances of them researching the sex fundamentals are highly unlikely. They may end up learning from porn sites and whatever else social media has to offer. It will be a distorted view through random sex acts that are entirely unrealistic.
The most sound advice I could give is to control the narrative to ensure they are getting accurate information. Sex education has to start early and be age appropriate. A ten year old doesn’t need to know about intercourse. What needs to be introduced are the physical and emotional changes that come with puberty before it begins. They need to know there will be mood changes, growth spurts, body and hormonal changes that are a normal part of growing up. Everyone goes through puberty, but not at the same time. This is a proactive conversation. Don’t wait for your kids to ask as they won’t know they’re supposed to or even what to ask.
It was easier as a woman to talk to my daughter about puberty and menstruation. I was not, however, prepared to have any type of sex talk with her at the age of eleven. I was allowing her to play games while I was cat-napping one afternoon and found out that she somehow accessed a porn site. Later, I sat her down to discuss the video she watched, a woman who was using an automatic sex machine that had a dildo attachment. At first she was a little embarrassed, but I spoke in a calm, reassuring voice while I questioned her on what she saw—asking her if she knew what was going on in the video. She didn’t, so I explained in broad, simple terms. It wasn’t really a conversation about sex (with a man), but why the woman was using the device—self pleasure. She relaxed and asked questions, like if the machine was hurting the woman since she was yelling so much. Naturally at the end of our talk, I instructed her not to watch porn videos and limited her use of my phone.
Now that our daughter, who is in her last year of high school, feels completely at ease talking to either her bonus dad or me about anything body or sex related. In fact, sometimes she’ll go to him first—which is absolutely fantastic. I never want her to be clueless or to be intimidated by the conversation. We want her to be comfortable knowing about her own sexuality. That wouldn’t be possible if we acted as if there was something she didn’t need to know; or ridiculed her for even asking. We’ll even look something up if we are unable to clearly answer a question.
The sex talk doesn’t have to be a serious sit-down conversation all at once, but coming from a parent it allows you to control how the information is delivered. Use the internet as a resource to help you discuss what sexual activity entails. There are many websites that aide in what to say to your kids. Some of the topics should include:
Touching
Kissing
Masturbation
Oral/Anal Sex
Intercourse
Phone Sex/Sexting
The last topic, phone sex and/or sexting, is an extremely important item to discuss given most teens have a cell phone. There is a huge problem with the ease of taking a nude or revealing selfie and messaging it to someone. It may seem fun or sexy in the moment, or they may feel peer pressure from a girlfriend/boyfriend; however there should never be an assumption that it will remain private. Your teenager is at risk of humiliation, embarrassment, and public ridicule. They have to understand the ramifications and that there’s no guarantee of erasing it from the internet should it end up there.
“John would never do that to me…”
Yes, John just might.
I personally use the most extreme examples to warn my all my kids, even the older ones. They have to understand that anyone under the age of 18 sending a nude photo can get everyone in legal trouble; it’s what we like to call a felony. They may think parents will never find out, but I assure you, someone like me may be randomly looking at my child’s phone.
Yes, I check in on occasion, but usually when my instincts tell me something is amiss. Parents know that feeling…
I am not an advocate of violating my kid’s privacy, I don’t go through my daughter’s things and rarely enter her room if she isn’t home. However as a parent, it’s our responsibility to ensure they are safe from harm, emotional distress, or protect them from doing something incredibly stupid. I always have passwords and her phone location is turned on—as well as read receipts for texting. This is my house, I pay the bills, and these are my rules. Once she is an adult and responsible for herself, she may do as she pleases. Until then, she is my responsibility.
The goal is to ensure our teenagers practice safe sex, manage expectations, and understand how to set their own boundaries. Sexual activity is part of our human existence and avoiding the conversation won’t prevent it from happening. Even if you encourage no sex before marriage, which is perfectly within your right, that doesn’t mean they don’t need to understand what having sex genuinely means.
And for all that is holy, make sure you use the proper terms when discussing sexual anatomy. It’s a vagina, penis, scrotum, clitoris, anus, etc. It’s not a tutu, wee-wee, nuts, man in a canoe, or poop shoot. It will be a huge disservice to your teenager to use nicknames assuming they’ll catch on. In fact, before you have a conversation, make sure you know all the body parts, their names, and how they function.
The more your teenager knows about their own sexuality the less they will need to rely on their friends; or worse an adult who may take advantage of their lack of knowledge. If sexuality is made to seem taboo, the more likely your teens will keep it secret without having proper understanding of a healthy relationship. If they understand their bodies and sexual feelings it will make them feel more confident about themselves in the long run. Parents who talk openly about sexuality to their teenagers have more influence over their child’s sexual behaviors as they grow.
If you have any questions about this topic or sex in general, check out our other articles on sexdemystified.substack.com; or drop us an email. We will be more than happy to help you in your sexual adventure. Be sure to follow us on social media, too!