If there is anything we consistently push here at Sex Demystified, it’s communication between partners. There are many forms of communication. It can be just a look, spoken words, a gesture, or even a sensual touch (or a hard slap). All of these can be used to indicate a variety of emotions; whether it be happiness, sadness, anger, or even disgust. The process is simple: initiate, listen, respond, listen. Wash, rinse, repeat. This is in contrast to a typical disagreement or argument where one shouts, retorts, and shouts some more—followed by one of the many argumentative communication strategies mentioned below.
When there’s a lack of communication it causes a rift in your relationship. When that happens, everything suffers—especially the sex life. Both partners always have to consider that the other may have something to say that is worth listening to. Arguments, specifically, aren’t battles to be won. I’m not saying that you can’t be angry, provoked or frustrated; you have a right to all of your thoughts and feelings. There are many times when we simply have to bite our tongue in a relationship to prevent the snarky response or saying something regrettable to apologize for later.
When it comes to the relationship I have with my husband, I’ve learned what not to say, or better yet, how to say something to avoid arguments. Overall, I can count on one hand how many intense, balls-out arguments we’ve had. I’m talking about exasperated tones, silence for days, and saying things that have built up inside having nothing to do with the situation at hand. This isn’t to say we don’t have heated debates… we have many. They are short-lived and usually end with him saying, “Are you done being a bitch?” It makes me laugh and I answer with an emphatic, “If you’re done being an asshole.” It’s our love language, which isn’t for everyone and not a sign of disrespect in our home. We kiss. I make food. We watch something senseless on Netflix.
One Love
One of the reasons we don’t have many blown-out arguments is that we do our very best to communicate frustrations as they happen. We remove distractions and listen to each other. Keep in mind, just because you hear your partner, it doesn't mean you’re listening. Only when we listen with an unconditional need to understand, can we truly get to know what our partner is communicating. My husband is better at expressing his thoughts as they happen. I tend to try to time mine for conversation during our nightly walks or if we’re just relaxing on the couch reading. I don’t always voice my frustrations as they come up because I take a moment to determine if I’m being moody or unreasonable. It’s unlikely but, nevertheless, good for me to take a moment. For him, he expresses himself immediately and I let him get it all out. That’s generally all he really needs since I rarely do things to piss him off. (Giggles silently to self)
Husband’s response: She’s mental.
Listen, we are together 24-hours a day, seven days a week. There are going to be heated discussions, but they are short-lived and we move on. We love being together and thoroughly enjoy each other’s company. Being apart isn’t something we embrace, but this isn’t to say we don’t take moments to ourselves.
I’ve studied fights my friends have and truly see how there are two side to every argument. I’ve known that’s always been the case, however what I mean to say is that I was always more inclined to agree with my friend's point of view—regardless of any doubt about the story or what I know about her partner. “I’m with you girl. He’s fucking wrong!” #RideOrDie
As I’ve gotten older, and wiser, I have no problem telling my friend when she’s in the wrong. Now, I give her reasons to think about where her partner is coming from because I may see his side too. This has to be done with a great deal of charm, naturally. The important thing is to respect her feelings while offering my point of view as an outsider of the argument. Sometimes, you just have to let your friend bitch it out loud because venting is therapeutic—and everyone does it. Venting gives an opportunity to voice your thoughts and sometimes provides clarity.
We all know those couples who argue ALL THE TIME. For us, that’s no way to live with another person, and we find it challenging to understand why anyone would remain together. Those constant disparaging tones and hurtful words can’t be good for anyone’s relationship. Yes, there is the make-up sex, but is that the healthiest way to feel the passion?
J. Scott Fraser Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist who writes for PsychologyToday.com wrote, The ABCs of Couple Arguments. He breaks it down to accusation, blame, and coercion. It’s a perfect way to explain just how toxic arguing is for a relationship.
Accusation is simply pointing out that your partner has either done something wrong or not done something implicitly or explicitly expected in the relationship.
Blame [is when] we start claiming that the cause of our partner’s offense is their negative personality characteristics. These may include their moral character, mental or emotional instabilities, personal failings, or inadequacies…
Coercion is intended to force our partner to do what we want through a barrage of demanding, nagging, criticizing, complaining and making our partner feel guilty until they finally give in.
One of the key components of our arguments is not to accuse or blame so much as to explain how the other’s actions made us feel. My husband would also be the first to tell you, I don’t ever nag. Not even with little infractions where the toothpaste top is left off or the half-dozen cups left in the living room. If these are the huge arguments for a couple, there are far more issues at hand. The biggest obstacle in heated debates is feeling defensive and I’m a pro at that. I don’t mean to and a lot of times, I just sound defensive. Tone is a huge factor in any discussion and what leads to inflaming an argument.
Should my husband want to discuss something I do that he takes issue with, I’ve learned to not retaliate by something he’s done. We are to disarm during these moments, not gear up. I’m in listening mode and we need to discuss how he’s feeling due to my actions. Sometimes it’s easy to clarify the situation with an explanation and apologize, sincerely. I don’t mean, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” The correct way should be, “I’m sorry I made you feel that way.” However, if I become defensive or have a snarky tone, it all goes downhill quickly. There are many times when either of our frustrations are due to outside stimuli causing us to take it out on each other. It can be stress from an upcoming event or something our kids have done. As unfair as it sounds, it’s human nature and we have to recognize when it’s happening.
Stir It Up
Dr. John Gottman, along with his wife Dr. Julie Schwartz-Gottman, created The Gottman Institute; Dr. John Gottman, has over forty-years of research into the relationships between couples and has written or co-authored over 200 academic articles and forty books on marriage and parenting. He and his wife have created The Gottman Method for couples with the goal to:
“Disarm conflicting verbal communication; increase intimacy, respect, and affection; remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy; and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship.”
They have neatly packaged the four most negative behaviors in a relationship with “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Criticism implies there is something wrong with your partner. Starting with phrases such as “You always…” or “You never…” that are attacking the character of the person.
Complaint: I was worried when you didn’t call me back.
Criticism: You never think of anyone but yourself. You should have called.
Contempt is defined as an attitude about someone you feel is inferior or worthless. It’s a showing of disrespect by smirking, rolling your eyes, name calling, or mocking the other. Contempt is something that brews within and eventually boils over during an argument.
Why are you eating cookies? You already don’t fit in any of your clothes. I mean, look at your belly! I take the time to plan out healthy meals and you thank me by shoving that crap in your mouth? What is wrong with you?
Defensiveness is a normal response to any criticism and usually includes denying responsibility for the problem, implying that the other partner is at fault. This casts a negative light on the concerns of your partner as you look to avoid responsibility. “Defensiveness will only escalate the conflict if the critical spouse does not back down or apologize.”
Q: Did you remember to pick up my prescriptions on the way home?
A: You know I’m working on a new project and have a lot going on. Why did you even ask me to do it? What did you do all day that you couldn’t go get them?
Stonewalling is when one partner withdraws from interaction, emotionally shutting down. This is the normal response to a partner’s contempt toward the other. “Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.”
I want to take a moment to clarify stonewalling as it is something I sometimes do when the heated discussion gets overwhelming. This is when you feel like your brain has shut down and your thought process is non-existent. Dr. Gottman states what’s “really happening is the person is in diffuse physiological arousal (DPA).” It’s also referred to as flooding, our bodies way of perceiving threats and reacting.
“When people stonewall, they often display ‘freeze’ in the ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ response. It can be something they are aware of, such as, “I better shut my mouth so I don’t make things worse,” or dissociation which we sometimes are not aware of.”
Let me first say that this has nothing to do with contempt from my husband—that’s never the case. If I could write out an answer on paper rather than orally respond, I’d be golden. However, during the back and forth I tend to shut down and stop talking. My responses become, “I don’t know,” and my mind searches for an answer. Confronting the topic at hand is key because I don’t want my husband to feel like I don’t give a shit about his feelings. If I get too frustrated with my inability to respond effectively, tears may flow—that only makes it worse because he doesn’t allow that to negate getting my response. It’s not a tactic I purposely use as tears don’t make everything suddenly all right. Dr. Gottman’s advice—ask for a moment (about twenty-minutes) to regroup alone and get back into the conversation when you’re ready.
Many of us stonewall to get out of an argument, which is different from giving someone the silent treatment. The former is for self-preservation and the latter is meant to be hurtful as you are refusing to communicate, most likely out of spite. In Dr. Sharie Stines’ article for PsychCentral.com, she calls this the favorite tool of narcissists. This isn’t to say your partner is one, but that it’s simply unhealthy for a relationship.
“Whether the person in your life is using the silent treatment immaturely or abusively, one thing is for sure, it is infuriating to receive; problems cannot be dealt with, conflicts remain unresolved, simple conversations are thwarted, and in the end, relationships employing this tactic become either toxic on nonexistent.”
Oddly enough, the silent treatment has been exercised here during the real arguments—by both of us. I don’t know what he’s thinking, but I know I’m all about not giving him the satisfaction of hearing the melodious tones of my voice. It’s definitely unhealthy, immature, and solving the issue at hand is non-existent. We eventually get around to talking, but hours and sometimes days have been wasted. Will we do it again knowing all of this? Maybe, but it’s almost instinctual when it shouldn’t be. It’s our flaw to work on.
Husband here… I rarely stonewall or give the silent treatment unless I believe that she needs to apologize for her actions. She will admit that her hardest words to say are, “I’m sorry.” To that extent, I will not engage until she puts on her big girl panties and voices those words. Call me an asshole but I am a firm believer of everyone accepting the consequences of their actions. And until that happens, I have nothing to say because there is nothing to say. Something in her words or actions were wrong, and it’s not my job to correct that; it’s hers. She is way smarter than me and knows when she’s fucked up. She just has to own that, apologize, and we can move on together in conversation.
No Women, No Cry
The most memorable “fight” with silent treatment was when our son was on leave from the Army and home for two weeks last year. His cousin planned a trip to come see him with the surprise of bringing three more cousins. At the time, our other son was in town as well. The circus only gets bigger when you add our daughter and the two of us. That’s right, nine people in a 1,600 sq. ft., three bedroom condo. The stress levels were high for not only me, but my husband—the temperature was steadily rising. All it took for combustion was my husband accidentally implying “they” would be arriving soon. My son perked up saying, “Who else is coming?” I instantly got angry, the husband retaliated defensively, and then I slammed the door behind me as I stormed out of the house—yes, like a child. I walked around for ten minutes only to find out he drove off right after I left. When I discovered he turned off his location so I couldn’t see where he went, I lost my shit completely. It was on.
Husband again… Rule Number One when angry, you don’t press the ejection button to save your composure leaving your partner in the flaming jet hurling toward the ground. So, to show her how it felt, I applied her same logic to the argument. She didn’t like it. Odd.
The surprise worked out anyway, the nephews had booked a hotel down the road, and they all did their own thing without any help from us. Unfortunately, my husband and I literally didn’t talk for two days unless it was absolutely necessary. Our kids and nephews didn’t know what was going on as we still talked to them and laughed at all their stories—but I’m sure they felt it. I wasn’t giving in and neither was my husband.
When I mentioned we love being around each other and enjoy our conversations, I meant it. We refused to communicate as punishment. I honestly don’t remember how we got back to talking, but it did include apologies. I overreacted thinking he ruined the surprise and he had responded defensively—we were both wrong.
Hi there… Husband again. I remember how we started communicating. I finally asked her if she was ready to apologize. I won’t bore you with the snappy retort I received; but suffice to say, the door was cracked between us. She is my partner. We are stronger together than individually. All I wanted was for her not to leave me behind enemy lines as she seemingly wanted to move on without acknowledging her part in something that happened accidentally on my end. In short, the words I were looking for was, “I’m sorry.”
Could You Be Loved
If you care about your relationship as much as we do ours, it’s important to keep out criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—along with those ABCs of arguments. Even in the best relationships, a little bit of each of those seep through. The goal is approach conversation with care and compassion. There is no relationship without communication. Unresolved issues between partners fester and as a result arguments ensue. As the divide grows, there is less of a chance of having a healthy sex life.
I’m not sure about you, but the last thing I want to do when I’m angry with my husband is have sex. However, many people do feel an heightened sexual urge. When you feel like your relationship is threatened, your biological instinct is to preserve the bond. Sex during a fight should be seen as a pause button as the conflict still needs resolution to prevent the same argument in the future. For those who don’t want the romp in the sack while angry, after the argument is resolved, make-up sex re-establishes your bond restoring feelings of intimacy and closeness.
Communication, teamwork, and shared goals are the building blocks of a relationship and sex is the glue that holds it all together.
If you have any questions about this topic or sex in general, check out our other articles on sexdemystified.substack.com; or drop us an email. We will be more than happy to help you in your sexual adventure. Be sure to follow us on social media, too!