We all have sex for numerous reasons…
To feel alive;
To feel desirable;
To feel a connection;
To please a partner;
To procreate; and
Just because it feels good!
It is a way for us to bond, be intimate, to give or receive pleasure. The psychology behind sexual activity is a constant variable as it is exhibited in a variety of ways for men and women. In men, the arousal usually sets the scene for desire; and in women, the desire paves the way for arousal. A woman’s response is more physiological and usually needing physical intimacy and an emotional connection.
With that in mind, our sexual behavior does change over time. For women, as we get older, we gain more confidence and get better at communicating our needs and desires. When a woman reaches what constitutes in society as middle-age, she is more likely to let go of body image issues, past heartaches, and failed relationships. She is more comfortable in her own skin and has begun to focus more on her own sexuality.
However, just as we women get into the groove, we encounter menopause. This transition is a normal part of aging for every woman; affecting their body in various ways—which I’ll touch on later. Perimenopause typically begins in a woman’s forties, usually lasting three to five years as the body prepares to enter menopause; however it may last longer for some. The point in time one year after a woman's last period is menopause. Then she is considered to be post-menopausal after this point.
As part of this transition, a woman's ovaries are producing less estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone. As the sex hormones decline, there is sometimes an accompanying decline in libido. Low sexual desire is one of the most common concerns that women have as they reach menopause.
And here is my story. . .
I was definitely thrilled at the prospect of no longer menstruating and not having any need for birth control; it sounded like freedom. I read about women looking forward to menopause for these reasons; however, I discovered the good sometimes comes with the… not so good things. I had mood swings, brain fog, hot flashes, night sweats, and bouts of depression; as well as other things like weight gain and hair thinning. In typing this out, I sound like a horror show on two legs. Rest assured, I’m still considered hot—the good kind. Unfortunately, I also had a sharp decline in sexual desire at a time in my life when sex should be unencumbered and plentiful.
My low libido left me feeling less than amorous.
Essentially, the lower levels of estrogen during perimenopause lead to a decrease in blood flow to the vagina. This makes it less sensitive to touch, therefore less receptive to physical arousal. I was also experiencing vaginal dryness—a normal event of the transition. Then we have the weight gain that is challenging to fend off even with a healthy diet and exercise. It felt colossally unfair at a time when life was supposed to be coming together seamlessly. Although I was knew my body was going through natural changes, I felt disconnected from sexual desire—which is disheartening for any woman.
It’s almost as if you don’t even think about sex at all.
Elephants in the Room
I want to touch on the various experiences I had (and still do sometimes) before diving into my low sexual appetite. One can’t really address such a huge topic without the accompanying issues that I believe affected my libido. Again, every woman goes through this transition—some with no symptoms, some with a few, and for some, the experience is extreme.
I am well-versed in the random hot flashes that hit me whenever they chose. One minute you’re perfectly comfortable and the next you’ve found yourself in hot sauna. Living in Florida, one might dismiss it as a typical hot, humid summer day; however, this would affect me whether I was indoors or in the middle of winter. Well, as much of a winter Central Florida has averaging fifty-degrees. I would instantly feel flush and the perspiration would start. Fortunately, it was all short-lived lasting about five minutes. It had been months since my last hot flash being in post-menopause, but one popped up last week while shopping with my daughter. Given she never misses an opportunity to complain about the heat, I knew it was just me. It didn’t feel like the hot flashes of old given the lack of fervid perspiration; but it was a reminder my hormones haven’t quite settled.
The night sweats are a beast of their own. I’d wake up drenched in sweat and the sheets were soaked—even my pillow felt damp. Think of when you have a high fever and it breaks, leaving you feeling like you just showered with your clothes on. In the course of a couple of years, I’d probably count about a dozen times this happened. As with the hot flashes, it rarely occurs now. If you haven’t invested in a water-proof mattress cover, this would be a good time.
My hair growth has always been slow, however the years leading up to menopause led me to believe it wasn’t growing at all. Investing in salon highlights for my hair was the only proof there was progress. We naturally lose hair and it’s normal to shed between 50 and 100 each day. Hair grows and dies in phases—nutrition, stress, and regular styling have a role in how much abandons you daily. Estrogen is a contributor to hair growth and with it waning during perimenopause, hair becomes thinner and rushes to take its leave. My hair is obviously less voluminous and I know exceeds the 100 hair-loss-per-day limit. I will readily admit that I’m superficial when it comes to my hair; but no product thus far has remedied the situation. I do my very best to keep it looking healthy, however it’s not without estrogen obstacles.
A few months ago, my husband asked me if I considered myself depressed. He noticed the changes in me given I was unusually quiet throughout the day, less willing to do activities, had difficultly remembering things, and not sleeping well. I immediately discounted the idea, however I started to think about how I had been feeling overall. I researched menopause and depression, discovering how they can go hand-in-hand. I never really thought of myself as being depressed; sad sometimes, but not continuously melancholy.
I know I wasn’t happy, but it was solely with myself. I felt pessimistic, worthless, restless, and alarmingly, I welcomed death. It sounds awful to say, but I honestly felt content with idea of dying—I felt my life served no purpose. One might think, “That’s your sign! You’re depressed.” However, it’s not that simple as it becomes a part of your thinking without realizing it’s there.
This isn’t to be confused with being suicidal, I wasn’t seeking death. I just didn’t care if I died and assumed everyone would simply accept my absence. I held up a pleasant facade around others, kept a clean house, still loved to cook, and even planned a destination wedding for us to Jamaica. My extended family was none-the-wiser as all signs, including the marriage, demonstrated happiness with life. However, my husband knew and basically forced me to acknowledge what I was feeling wasn’t normal—although it took numerous, uncomfortable conversations to address the issue.
Once I acknowledged the depression, I pushed myself to do things that I use to enjoy. I continually convinced myself it’s unacceptable to continue on that path knowing my hormones were playing mind games. Changes needed to be made in my thinking and that’s not always easy. It’s definitely a day-by-day process and some days are better than others.
Fortunately, I have a nurturing husband; however, many may need to seek the help of a professional. On that note—please understand it takes courage to ask for help and not a sign of weakness. Therapists can help sort out difficult emotions and facilitate positive thinking that we may have difficulty processing.
Work in Progress
Pulling myself up by the bootstraps, I began writing again utilizing Substack. I am optimistic about making it the career I’ve always wanted to pursue. It also contributes therapeutically by sharing my personal journey—comparable to writing in a journal.
A little backstory…
I sought a college degree in 2010 when I turned forty; graduating exactly ten years ago with a Bachelor’s in English and Writing. At that time I was feeling very confident and extremely optimistic. However, life had different plans and I had to let the writing dream go. I was in the midst of financial ruin and eventually divorce. I was raising three children alone, so several non-writing, shitty jobs to pay the bills had to take precedence. On the positive side, when meeting my current husband, I discovered the kind of love, compassion, and support that I would bestow on everyone if I could. He does his very best to keep me grounded while encouraging me to embrace who I am and pursue what I want in life.
I stopped doing OnlyFans with the sense it was negatively affecting my sexuality—even though I was comfortable when I started. I began doing sex work in 2020, during the pandemic; which I wrote about in my first article. This was simply a business opportunity given I have an inherent need to contribute financially to the household. I had spent well over a decade in constant financial distress with my ex-husband—eating the “government cheese” as it were. Now that I was past all of that, and my new marriage doesn’t present any of those hardships, I still feel that push to earn an income. OnlyFans is easy money if you are completely comfortable with your sexuality and willing to share it with your fans. To be successful however, it very much is work and you’re always on the clock.
I thought that being an adult entertainer would make me feel sexy in the midst of earning extra income. It did most of the time as there is constant validation from fans who are there solely to see you. However, given that I was going through perimenopause at the time, my hormones were on a roller coaster. I was torn between feeling sexy and being resentful. I couldn’t get past the fact marketing my sexuality was the job—no one was there for my intellectual thoughts. There was no opportunity to show who I was as a person, only in how I sexually displayed myself.
Many woman are highly successful with sex work; and I have an immense admiration for those who are comfortable with who they are and embrace their sexuality, willing to share. Those who choose to market themselves sexually understand it is simply a business. However for me, it affected my sense of self that I couldn’t ignore. It was time for me to quit as life is too short to spend your day not doing what you enjoy.
I also reestablished my passion for books as it had fallen to the wayside with little or no interest. I had gone from reading two or three books a month to barely finishing one. Reading stimulates my mind and allows me to both learn and escape to another world. Although most of my books right now deal with sex and sexuality given it’s what I write about, I integrate biographies and memoirs. My shelves (and a few boxes) contain almost two-thousand books, appealing to both my husband’s and my taste. There is an immense feeling of satisfaction having our own library.
This is my experience thus far and what continues to work for me in my post-menopausal world. The negative thoughts have subsided overall; but I am still working on ways to ensure I stay positive and keep productive.
Note: I would like to clarify that some women don’t always have the support of those around them; or they don’t realize what is happening during menopause. In fact, many are in denial as they have adverse thoughts about aging. They may need professional therapy, antidepressants, or sometimes, Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT)—which has proven to help many women. I recommend going to a certified menopause doctor, if possible; they are trained to ensure quality care for women at menopause and beyond.
Sexual Healing
All of the menopause symptoms above contributed to my low desire for sex, along with the other physiological aspects of what my body was going through. The problem with declining sexuality is often followed by a sense of shame and futility. I am married to a very hyper-sexual man, so it was so blatantly obvious that something within me changed. The main cause of decreased libido is declining levels of sex hormones, which begins in the perimenopausal period. These hormones include estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone.
The only way to describe how it feels is to think of watching a porn video (or sensual scene in a movie if you’re not into that) and not having the usual tingles one gets in the nether-regions—at all. There is no uprising of sexual heat for me without the aide of a vibrator or sensual touch from my husband. It’s challenging to initiate sex when your libido doesn’t spontaneously combust.
My lack of sex drive has been an ongoing issue these past few years between being perimenopausal and now post-menopause; however, I have been diligent in searching for ways to improve my libido. Initiating sex is important in a healthy relationship. It’s not solely the man’s job, even if he’s usually at the ready. They need to feel desired just as much as women do. However, when you have no voluntary sexual inclinations, it becomes a bit more challenging.
One thing I can say with certainty, I have never said no to sex to my husband. It’s important for not only me, but my husband as we want a healthy sex life; and he doesn’t take advantage. Besides, he’s seductive enough to easily put me in the mood. Sex isn't just about procreation anymore, it’s about pleasure, intimacy, and connection. These are all the things I desperately want—I just have to be more diligent to achieve them.
Recently, I read Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire written by Lori A. Brotto, PhD. Her research isn’t specifically about menopause, but covers a variety of sexual dysfunction issues women face dealing with low libido—hyposexuality. This includes low sexual desire, lack of orgasm and arousal, as well as sexual pain.
Dr. Brotto’s goal is:
“To bring the issue of low sexual desire in women into the open so that women feel less shame and are empowered to cultivate their feelings of sexual desire.”
Her writing is more technical given the medical terminology used, however she expounds in laymen terms the challenges women face and their stories. This includes a detailed explanation and the treatment used that focuses on mindfulness to improve sexual desire. There are practice exercises throughout the book and they have been most helpful for me. One of my bigger issues is not being present during sex. Like many women, I am concerned with whether I was pleasing my husband, how I looked naked, or even not having the desire and having sex anyway.
All of these things took my mind away from the pleasure of the moment—the sensations of touch and how my body was actually responding. It takes mindfulness practice, but removing all negative thoughts and focusing solely on my body and how it feels during the shared intimacy makes sex more pleasing.
The reality is that our bodies are always reacting to the sexual moment but we aren’t always focused on those sensations. It may take me longer to feel aroused, but I do have a partner who understands and takes that time. That wasn’t always the case and frustrations led to heightened discussions when we didn’t understand what going on.
At first, we believed my low libido to be a result of my IUD (Intrauterine Device). Birth control with hormones might heighten the libido—but more often it decreases. Birth control impedes the production of testosterone in the ovaries, which contributes to the sex drive in women—among other things. My gynecologist discounted my concern when I went in to talk to her about my reduced libido, but discouraged the IUD removal. I kept it as the risk of getting pregnant in my late forties was horrifying. Unfortunately, she also brushed off questions about my hormones due to perimenopause. Another reason why it’s important to seek a doctor certified in menopause health.
By the way, any gynecologist can become certified by the North American Menopause Society (NAMS). They must pass an examination every three years to maintain their credentials, demonstrating competency with menopause care.
Another common issue is vaginal dryness, which I have. Estrogen maintains vaginal health and lubrication, so when the estrogen production declines, vaginal secretions may decrease. There may be discomfort during sex, irritation, and even light bleeding if you aren’t properly lubricated. Aside from low estrogen, stress, anxiety, and depression are contributing factors. The dryness is easily fixed with lubricant. We always have some handy and you can even pick some up at the grocery store in the family planning aisle.
In my experience, all of these have been my symptoms of menopause contributing to low libido—a vicious circle, if you ask me. I would continually worry about my body’s ever-changing ways. There were many uncomfortable conversations about my changing sexuality with my husband. I got defensive, angry, and withdrawn. As love predicates, he didn’t give up on me and kept opening the door for communication. He is not the enemy—my thoughts about my aging body and menopause is my nemesis; or used to be. Those symptoms were polluting my mind, making me think I didn’t deserve pleasure. Which is bullshit as I most certainly do; we all deserve pleasure.
Yes, most times I have to put myself in the mood to have sex—especially in order to initiate—as it doesn’t always come naturally like it use to. The night sweats, hot flashes, weight gain, mood swings, and low libido were just a part of the aging process. Although word on the street is these symptoms are temporary for most women, it can last for many years.
I loosely compare all of this to a teenager as they reach puberty—their body is changing, their hormones are running rampant, and they hate your guts one day, loving you the next. Even though they get the bonus of raging sex hormones, we dismiss a lot of their behavior because we understand what they are going through. It just seems women have to go through that whole rigmarole twice.
It seems a bit unfair, doesn’t it?
Recognizing when you're in menopause and embracing the changes your body is going through is really the only way to get through it all. Getting older isn’t the problem—it’s negative thinking about age. When you pile on all of the menopause symptoms, we are challenged to see things in a positive light.
When I look in the mirror I see the changes my skin is going through; I buy the moisturizers, serums, and eye creams. When I see the gray hair popping up here and there—always growing a faster rate than the rest; I head to the salon and get my hair colored. When it comes to the changes my body is facing due to menopause—I research and apply the knowledge.
This has been my path to feeling better about my body’s changes. It’s crucial to find ways to make you feel good about yours—the secret is that it will include acceptance. Our hormones are complex and menopause generates a significant whirlwind in our bodies. We have to embrace this change because it’s inevitable.
When it comes to our relationship with our partner, communication is requisite. There should never be any hesitation in talking about what you’re going through, or any taboos discussing sexual desire given you are both doing the most physically intimate thing a couple can do. It may be difficult to start a conversation about sex, however keep positive. Don’t focus necessarily on what’s wrong, focus on ways to make the sexual connection better.
If you have any questions about this topic or sex in general, check out our other articles on sexdemystified.substack.com; or drop us an email. We will be more than happy to help you in your sexual adventure. Be sure to follow us on social media, too!