The year was 1976 when I started kindergarten. I don’t remember a lot of details about my early days in school, but I do remember nap-time and my first crush. It was the boy who lived across the street from me and his name was Bryan. The only thing I can recall is lying down on our blue mats, which we placed next to each other, and seeing him smile at me as I drifted off to sleep. There are no licentious stories to go along with my recollection, but it has stayed with me given he was my first love.
I knew then I was attracted to boys, and I don’t recall any thought given to girls in the same way. I don’t even think I was aware of any other options at that age. As I’ve mentioned in previous articles, there was never any talk about sex or sexuality growing up in my home. As I ventured into middle and high school, I still liked boys and it seemed that was the normal set up: girls date boys. This isn’t to say that there weren’t any same-sex relationships at school, I just wasn’t aware of any during that time.
Naturally, I understand that expressing your sexual orientation during the 80s wasn’t overall a common practice given the puritanical biases people faced. My ignorance about there being anything other than heterosexual in my early years speaks more about geography than anything else. While I was born and raised in our Nation’s fourth largest city (Houston), I was never privy to any underground homosexual scene. I say, “underground,” because at that time, homosexuality was largely still in the closet. And Houston being in Texas, homosexuality (at that time) was definitely not in the open.
There weren’t prejudices in my home—sexist, racist or otherwise. However, if my parents didn’t talk to me about sex, they certainly didn’t talk about the variances of sexual orientation.
Side note
Just a little cultural background on me that may help in any perceived lack of diversity. My mother’s side of the family were from Mexico and my father is… well, he’s just your average white man with blond hair and blue eyes. I lived in a middle-class neighborhood comprised mostly of black residents. The schools I attended were essentially evenly blended with White, Black, Asian, and Hispanic—my friends were just as evenly blended. The three actual boyfriends I had in high school were Black, Hispanic, and White. I got along with everyone. I understand that ethnicity isn’t about sexual orientation, but it sets a tone when it comes to diversity.
I did learn about the gay community while in high school, but it was only talked about in regard to men. This was about the time when HIV/AIDS had become an epidemic. Unfortunately, this was labeled as a gay disease. As infuriating as that is, that’s essentially how I was introduced to homosexuality. It is an appalling way to find out about a different sexually oriented community—and one you are told to fear. I honestly didn’t give much thought about two men being attracted to each other. This isn’t to say I wasn’t aware of the “it’s against god’s law” crowd portrayed in the media and religious groups, I just didn’t get what the problem was.
It wasn’t until around 1996 when I lived in Miami that I had my first gay friend. Miami offered a better environment for the gay community than Houston, and seeing same-sex couples everywhere was absolutely normal. To say he was fabulous is an understatement. We talked all the time about everything, including sexuality. I remember trying to work out the schematics of two men together in my head but he rarely left out any details; so it wasn’t too challenging. You know when people aren’t familiar, they are hesitant or fear the unknown? I remember that feeling. However, it subsided as I got to know him and I appreciated who he was as a person. There was no difference in his fervor of sexuality or love from me. You have to understand, being ignorant isn’t an excuse to not be human. The key is to not be judgmental about others.
All this to say, in the course of my life I have gratefully witnessed the changes in society when in comes to sexual orientation. Unfortunately, I have also witnessed the negative, narrow views people have for those who love differently than they do. In fact, some people are so adamant about not being “gay” that they ignore their own personal curiosities for fear of being labeled anything other than heterosexual. There is no shame in finding someone of the opposite sex attractive as it doesn’t change who you are; it offers a way to explore your sexual identity, possibly adding behaviors that are pleasurable.
Let’s define the terms to understand the differences in sexual identity, sexual orientation, and sexual behavior.
Sexual identity is the way you define your sexuality. This is fluid and can change over time.
Sexual orientation refers to who you are attracted to sexually, emotionally, and romantically. This may include terms such as gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, etc. Identity and orientation may be linked, but don’t always have to be the same.
Sexual behavior is what you do sexually. This might coincide with your sexual orientation and identity, but not necessarily. These change over time, and the trajectory of change may vary between men and women.
Many of us may have difficulty navigating cultural attitudes about sexual behavior, especially as we explore our own sexuality. The more experiences we have, as well as sexual variety, it offers confidence and a greater skill at communicating our own needs and desires. Essentially, my sexual identity is being a woman and my sexual orientation is heterosexual; but my sexual behavior includes having sex with women.
One might infer that makes me a bisexual, however I’m what you might call sexually fluid. I find women sexy and attractive, and I’m open to sexual play. In the definitions above, sexual fluidity is party of your identity, not orientation. It is often associated with sexual promiscuity, however that simply isn’t the case. It’s a normal human trait and poses no inherent threat to a committed relationship.
In the swinging community there is a lot more fluidity as it’s based on your sexual behavior, not orientation. Online swinging sites allows for you to indicate your sexual preferences, however they tend to remain fluid once you are in the moment with another couple. Aside from indicating you’re “straight,” you have the options of letting others know you are bisexual, bi-comfortable, or open minded. From what I’ve witnessed, it’s almost socially requisite that women choose one of those options, however not all do. Men are less likely to choose anything other than straight, but I have found that many are more open minded once in the bedroom. And that, to me, is incredibly hot! I’m not implying that they are open to male intercourse, that isn’t at all the case. They are simply not averse to sexual play with other men in the room while in the moment.
The stigma of traditional masculinity in men causing them to claim they are anything but unequivocally heterosexual is disenchanting. They are adamant about not letting anyone know that anal play with their female partner is a turn on for them. “I’m not gay!” Where is it written that anal play for a man is a sign of homosexuality? If you are sexually attracted to men, then you are gay; if you enjoy anal play with a partner you are sexually adventurous.
I will admit that I was very nervous the first time we went out with another couple. I had never been with a woman sexually and wasn’t sure what to expect. In fact, there was a time that another option was available on the lifestyle site: bi-curious—which I was. We had a few cocktails before heading up to their hotel room, making it way easier to relax. Thankfully she was more experienced, initiating the touching and kissing. Gentle kisses and caressing each other’s breasts was sexually gratifying considering our skin is a sensory organ, an all over erogenous zone.
During most of our dates with other couples, there is usually a time when the women will get together—kissing and touching—sometimes they perform oral sex on each other as well. Personally, I don’t. However many women have gone down on me. We all do what we’re comfortable with, which is the great things about swinging.
There’s a specific moniker for someone who is predominantly interested in only receiving pleasure via oral sex with another woman rather than giving—a Pillow Princess. It’s not meant to be a compliment because when you break it down, “pillow” means passive and “princess” is someone who gets special treatment. Fortunately for me, I don’t find it derogatory in the least as this is not about entitlement or laziness. Your sexual awakening doesn’t include knowing exactly what you want; it takes time to figure that out.What works for one person doesn’t necessarily do it for another. Attempts to stigmatize the act will possibly discourage women who want to explore sexuality with other women. Perhaps one day I will, but for now I’ll take the special treatment.
Side note: The term Pillow Princess can also be applied to women who don’t reciprocate with their male partners. Calling your partner this will ultimately pressure her to prioritize your pleasure as more significant than her own; or worse, that you’re only doing it for reciprocation. Implying there are expectations lead to problems in motivation and desire.
It’s socially acceptable for two women to get together sexually, in fact most men will say it’s desirable. However, in the midst of sexual activity, I feel it’s okay for men as well. I’m not talking about kissing or intercourse, but simply just touching. The one time another man grabbed my husband’s cock in the heat of the moment was so very stimulating for all of us. It may be considered taboo, but there’s nothing sexier than taboo for us anyway. It’s letting go and enjoying the experience. If it does make a man uncomfortable, he has to consider why. You determine your sexual orientation, not others. Most people don’t talk openly about their sexual activity anyway; who else will know? Your man-card will always be secure.
Speaking of taboo
With that in mind, it’s time to talk about pegging. It’s a sexual act where a woman anally penetrates a man with a strap-on. The male prostate, a small, walnut-shaped gland located a few inches inside of the rectum, is covered with exciting little nerve endings. The prostate is a heightened erogenous zone—the male “G-spot.” Sexual health experts say stimulating it can be the source of immense pleasure for men; many straight men who have experienced pegging will absolutely confirm.
If I told a guy, “I’m going to give you the best orgasm of your life,” he’d be completely on board. Then I pull out my strap-on and watch his eyes pop out of his head. Before you tell me “hard pass,” let me tell you—again—there’s nothing inherently feminine about receiving anal stimulation and penetration. And, I’m not pressing a button that makes you gay. I’m pressing a button that will make you moan and cum with intensity as I stimulate your male G-spot.
As with any sexual play, communication between partners is essential. Talk about pegging to ensure you are both on board. If you're unsure of how your partner might respond, introduce the idea by speaking hypothetically and using your partner's response to gauge their interest. And, no need to fear a fat, six-inch dildo, but consider one that’s barely larger than a finger. Although once you try it, moving up to a larger one isn’t uncommon.
There is also no need to rush the first time, or any time really. Your partner has to work up to penetration by massaging or stroking the area around your anus and perineum (the patch of skin between your scrotum and your rectum). It's a good idea to relax and ease into this new sexual act prior to pegging by inserting a finger or an anal plug. Be sure to stock up on lubricant as a lot will be needed. Once you graduate into pegging, penetration is generally slow and methodical, only picking up speed if you so desire. This is definitely reserved for when the mood is right and doesn’t have to be a regular part of your sex life. But, a little sexual adventure will enhance your relationship, adding some excitement.
Men, the best part is your sexual identity of being straight will still be intact. Women, it’s a very stimulating experience and an intimate source of power that’s really indescribable. Switching up the typical roles can be psychologically and emotionally exhilarating. I actually orgasm while pegging because of the friction from the strap-on in the clitoral area and the intensity of the moment. My mind is in sexual overdrive. As a bonus, a lot of strap-ons offer space to insert a small vibrator for extra pleasure.
Essentially, we have the right to have the kind of sex we want in the privacy of our bedroom—none of which can dictate any labels. Sex is about intimacy, pleasure, and sexual expression. It can be one of the most difficult subjects discuss; but, it’s imperative to have open communication that offers compromise, discusses the likes, dislikes, and each other’s preferences. Couples who are the most sexually satisfied are those who stay in touch with each other in and out of bed.
Keep in mind, there is no one way to be sexual with the many variations of sexual activities and fetishes people find arousing. Many couples now engage in behaviors that were once perceived as taboo or deviant, such as BDSM. They still are technically, but contemporarily, more accepted. Case in point, check out Netflix’s list of shows: Sex Explained, How To Build A Sex Room, Sex, Love & Goop, The Principles of Pleasure, etc. There is an endless variety of shows that demonstrate healthy expression of sexuality comes in many forms.
Sex helps build a stronger bond between two people and develops a deeper sense of intimacy. The challenge when it comes to sex is to find what really turns you and your partner on, removing all shame and judgment. Honesty and communication should be in the forefront of every relationship. In the end, everyone can enjoy satisfying sex if they make adjustments for the many opportunities it can bring.
If you have any questions about this topic or sex in general, check out our other articles on sexdemystified.substack.com; or drop us an email. We will be more than happy to help you in your sexual adventure. Be sure to follow us on social media, too!
You admit in a round about way that you are uncomfortable with your make partner being sexual with another man unless you are in an aroused state, and that intercourse by him with another man is unacceptable to you. Are you agreeable to him being a pillow Prince, or a giver only of oral to other men? I’m not saying you are wrong as such, I am sure there are very deep seated age old evolutionary and health reasons why women are perhaps more prone to same sex play, and why women despite their claims of make play being okay, don’t actually want it in THEIR man in 99% + of cases.
Unfortunately the sexual revolution could leave 90% of men out in the cold sexually and partnership wise as in the animal kingdom. Society would be incredibly worse of for it.