Peanut Butter and Jealousy...
and Other Unhealthy Sexual Snacks
According to his website, Dr. Seth Meyers is a, “Los Angeles psychologist and relationship expert, [and] offers expert commentary on TV and to various media outlets on relationships and mental health issues. He is a writer for Psychology Today and eharmony, and is the author of Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve. In 2014, he wrote an article for Psychology Today titled, 3 Prime Reasons Why People Get Jealous. How to tell if your suspicions may be legitimate. In this article, Dr. Meyers superficially described insecurity, obsessive thinking, and paranoid personalities as attributes of destructive jealousy. I would like to expand on these topics as they relate to being the husband of an OnlyFans creator.
One of the first questions you probably have for me is…
“You don’t have a problem with your wife showing her tits (and more) online? You don’t get jealous?”
In short, no, I don’t have a problem with it; nor do I get jealous of her being an OnlyFans creator. In my biased opinion, my wife is very appealing. Men are going to look at her regardless if she is wearing clothes or totally nude. I can’t stop them from looking—nor would I try. She is an individual who has every right to express herself in any manner she pleases. I don’t care if that means showing her breasts or masturbating for fans. I also don’t have a problem with her having sex outside of our relationship. Many of you can’t comprehend this type of reaction from a man—and I get it. It’s not considered a normal behavior associated with an average man involved in a relationship. It took me a while to reach this plane of existence. A single changing point was finding a partner that I could completely trust. There are absolutely no secrets between us. We have the freedom to say and do whatever we want. The only rule in our relationship is no lying. This requires an unfettered ability to express yourself to each other. If you were to ask her, I can be brutally honest—almost to an extent of coming across as rude or even hateful. But through sharing with one another, she knows my intent isn’t nefarious. In fact, it’s the opposite.
My job as her best friend, partner, and husband is to protect her and build her up. Sometimes, that requires tearing down negative ideologies in order to build a new foundation of positive thinking. Allowing someone to be free and feel supported gives them a healthy dose of self-esteem. It gives them a confidence that can’t exist in the vacuum of insecurity.
“Allowing her to sell herself online gives her security?”
Again, in my opinion, and to an extent, yes. You wouldn’t know it by seeing her but my wife is shy. And there is nothing wrong with being shy. But her shyness derived from the insecurities of aging. She’s allowed her physical age to dictate her mental age—and her sexuality. What do I mean by this? If you feel old, you will act old; and if you feel young, you will act young. There was no better role model for the latter other than the late Betty White. At 88 years young, Ms. White starred in a remix music video of Luciana’s number one billboard hit, “I’m Still Hot.” In the song, Betty sang, “I may be a senior, but so what? I’m still hot.” On a separate occasion, Ms. White stated, "I think older women still have a full life.” The term age-appropriate was not in her vocabulary. So why should the term apply to my wife—or any woman for that matter?
But her OnlyFans experience, while profitable and backed by my support and encouragement, pushed her to ultimately resent the platform. Being a college educated, degree holding woman, she ultimately felt it was degrading to her higher education accomplishments and abilities. Paraphrasing her, “It just isn’t for me. I do not want to put a price on my sexuality anymore. I want to do the thing I love the most: write.” Was I disappointed? Sure. I never technically viewed my wife as a sex worker; only someone who provided a service to those individuals who had issues expressing themselves in their relationship; and/or, those with a desire to share their sexual desires with a woman from the safety of being behind a keyboard. Besides, I enjoyed the attention my wife was getting outside our relationship.
Obsessive thinking is a game of mental gymnastics—making up excuses or arguments for unjustifiable decisions or situations. In other words, it’s what psychotherapist, Shemena Johnson, Psy.D., L.M.F.T., stated, “[Obsessive thinking is] all the thoughts that are within play to keep you from doing that exact thing you need to do.” People experiencing obsessive thinking are forced to deal with thoughts in a repetitive loop. While some people find themselves obsessing from time to time, others might have multiple episodes with the content changing over time. One day you may be overthinking if your partner is cheating on you; and the next day, you are overthinking why they bought you flowers. There are two possible outcomes to this way of thinking:
paralysis by analysis; or
overreacting.
Either option leads to jealous and destruction (self or otherwise). Communication and trust are key to breaking the cycle of obsessive thinking. If you find yourself in a state of obsessive thinking, you need to communicate those thoughts to your partner. If therapy is needed, find it. Per talkspace.com, a website dedicated to offering comprehensive online mental health treatment, “Relationship OCD treatment techniques can include talk therapy (psychotherapy) and medication. Often a combination of these two options is most effective.” And there it is… talk therapy, i.e., communication. The site goes on to elaborate: “Having a hard time being assertive in your relationship, experiencing low self-esteem, feeling a lack of self-confidence, or lacking social skills can all interfere in a healthy relationship. Effective forms of talk therapy like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) have been proven in studies to be extremely effective in treating various forms of OCD.”
IMPORTANT NOTE: I am not endorsing this website (or any website mentioned in this article), nor have I (or we) used its services. My mentioning of any website’s content is only to reaffirm the subject I am writing about in this article. Please perform your own due diligence before signing up for any online services or therapy.
“What if I can’t trust my partner?”
That’s a whole can of worms requiring many hours on a couch with a therapist. In short, if you can’t trust the person you are with, there are two possible reasons:
trust has been previously broken before with this person (infidelity, lying, etc.); or
you have trust issues somewhere in your past that you may be applying to someone undeserving.
Finding yourself in either of these situations can be stressful and cause resentment. Ultimately, you need to make a decision. Do you…
risk your mental health (and the mental health of everyone around you); or
unpair yourself from a fallacious person; or
seek help from an expert in the field?
The very first step, as I mentioned above, is communicate to your partner. Then decide on the best course of action for yourself first, then your relationship second. Remember airline rules: “In case of a cabin pressure emergency, put on your own mask first before assisting others.”
I don’t subscribe to the fight or flight mentality. This is a limiting concept that negates reasoning, thinking, and consequences. Furthermore, this flawed concept places you firmly in a reactionary state—always on the defense. Being in a continuous state of reaction leads to paranoia. Persons with an underlying mental illness or otherwise involved in an unhealthy environment can cause this paranoia to escalate into a clinical diagnosis of Paranoid Personality Disorder.
According to webmd.com, “Paranoid personality disorder (PPD) is one of a group of conditions called "Cluster A" personality disorders which involve odd or eccentric ways of thinking. People with PPD also suffer from paranoia, an unrelenting mistrust and suspicion of others, even when there is no reason to be suspicious.” The DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition) lists seven sub-features of criterion A:
The person with PPD will believe others are using, lying to, or harming them, without apparent evidence thereof.
They will have doubts about the loyalty and trustworthiness of others,
They will not confide in others due to the belief that their confidence will be betrayed.
They will interpret ambiguous or benign remarks as hurtful or threatening, and
Hold grudges,
In the absence of objective evidence, believe their reputation or character are being assailed by others, and will retaliate in some manner; and
Will be jealous and suspicious without cause that intimate partners are being unfaithful.
It is important to understand the characteristics listed above are criterions to make a clinical diagnosis, and the differences between PPD and just being paranoid. Only a trained mental health provider can make the diagnosis of PPD. These characteristics should not be applied by a layman to those exhibiting such behavior as affirmation of PPD. In fact, the prevalence of the condition is around 4.4% of the world’s population. This percentage is most likely larger because those exhibiting these characteristics are (wait for it) paranoid about friends or family making the initial pleas for them to seek help; thus negating diagnosis and treatment. A mental Catch 22, if you will.
To paraphrase Delmore Schwartz, “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean you’re wrong.” Your partner could be cheating on you. And as hard as this sounds, you need to communicate those thoughts to your partner in a rational manner. They could admit or deny the claim. But at least it is out there—and one of you is correct. But here’s the thing: cheating comes in many different forms based on your partnership agreement of what defines cheating. Sounds ethically silly, right? Allow me to explain… As I previously stated, I have no issues with my wife seeking sex outside marriage. We have both agreed to this. It is the choice that, if found in a situation we want to explore sexually with another person, we have the permission of the other to explore. The dishonesty (i.e., cheating) comes into play if we keep that sexual encounter a secret from each other. We both understand the rules and agree to those terms.
In closing, I hope you grasped the theme of this article: communication. I cannot express how important this is in a relationship. Open communication is vital to a healthy and successful partnership. It allows both parties equal rights to say what’s on their mind, express wants and needs, and the freedom not to be ridiculed for what they say. Communication lays the foundation for other pillars to be built upon. One of these pillars may be discussing the relationship being open or closed; or defining ethical marriage rules based on each others moral beliefs. Through communication, you take a giant and important step in reducing jealousy in your relationship. After all, as the song goes…
Hey jealousy…
And you can trust me not to think;
And not to sleep around;
And if you don't expect too much from me;
You might not be let down.
~ Gin Blossoms