A New Hope
At the age of sixteen, I didn’t understand exactly what happened when taking liberties with an innocent teddy bear. As revealed in my masturbation article Darling Nikki, my sex education was non-existent and it was a learn-as-you-go process. I don’t even know how the bear molestation started, but it finished with an explosive, tingling sensation—as known as…
the Orgasm.
Since that time, I’ve learned through a process of exploration with various positions and sex toys how to reach orgasm. I am always successful when using a vibrator, however reaching climax doesn’t always happen during sex. This is definitely no fault of my husband given he knows exactly what I need to achieve orgasm. However, he’s skillful methods are not always guaranteed. I’ll explain later, but we should first start with decoding the female orgasm.
Merriam-Webster describes orgasm as "an intense or paroxysmal excitement.” Well, that definition muddied the waters a bit—especially when considering that the term paroxysmal means a sudden attack or violent emotion. Let’s keep reading…
“… The rapid pleasurable release of neuromuscular tensions at the height of sexual arousal that is usually accompanied by the ejaculation of semen in the male and by vaginal contractions in the female.”
Somewhat wordy but it appears we have maneuvered back on course. We essentially have a buildup of sexual arousal leading to pleasurable release of sexual tension. We definitely know when a man reaches climax as there’s proof… the ejaculation of semen. However for women, it’s more elusive—where is the proof of her orgasm?
If you’re paying close attention to your partner, you may see, hear, and feel the evidence. The majority of female orgasms do begin with the quickening of her breath highlighted by moans or gasps escaping her lips. Then there are several seconds of rapid, involuntary muscle contractions in her uterus. It’s quite possible you will feel the contractions if you are either using your fingers, cock, or mouth. She will roughly have about 3 to 5 contractions, however it can be more intense with as many as 10 to 15. Combine all of this with the jolting movement of her hips and the aftershocks throughout her body; you have yourself an orgasm. Then, she will very likely fall into dreamlike tranquility.
I know when I reach climax, I experience all of these things: moaning, gasping, contractions, convulsing hips, and then instant relaxation. My husband pays attention and most of the time can feel my orgasm. At the very least, he recognizes all the signs. The only dilemma for me after climax is continuing to have sex with the same intensity. I equate it to reaching the finish line during a race but you keep running because your partner needs encouragement to reach the finish.
Revenge of the Sith
Most of us have seen Meg Ryan’s restaurant scene in When Harry Met Sally. Her character Sally wants to prove to Harry that he doesn’t really know if a woman actually had an orgasm. Sally unashamedly demonstrates that it’s easy for a woman to fake it by doing everything I just described above—and it is. This definitely does happen with many women and faking an orgasm happens for many reasons—one may be a terrible sex partner and you just want it to end; or she wants to boost his ego and not hurt his feelings. The tragedy is this woman isn’t communicating with her partner about her sexual needs.
“It’s just that all men are sure it never happened to them and all women at one time or other have done it, so you do the math.” ~ Meg Ryan as Sally Albright
She may be too embarrassed about verbalizing what she wants; or, she has no idea what to ask for. This is why it is essential to explore our bodies through masturbation and figure out what feels good. The more women voice what they need sexually, or even demonstrate (which every man will appreciate), the more satisfying the experience will be. Not knowing what will help you achieve orgasm has a negative affect on your sexuality. When sexually confident women take control over their sexual energy, sex becomes a journey of discovery; making it easier to orgasm.
Personally, I’ve never faked an orgasm with my husband, even when we were dating. It isn’t because he won’t really know for sure, even though he does feel when I orgasm most of the time. I simply don’t lie to him, even if it is to make him feel better. Sometimes I simply just can’t get there despite all the right buttons being pressed. He understands that the issue isn’t what he’s doing so much as it may be what’s going on in my head. Sometimes I’m focusing too much or sometimes not enough. Again, our number one sex organ is the mind.
The Phantom Menace
Women can be held back from enjoying orgasms for a variety of reasons. Some include discomfort with their body or not enough foreplay. One of the main reasons is mindfulness during sexual activity. Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention to what is presently happening. Dr. Lori A. Brotto, author of Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire writes:
“When the women learn to be right where they are when with a partner, rather than in the myriad other places their mind escapes to during sex, they start to experience sexual contact with their partner in a way that perhaps they had not experienced for months, years, or decades… [M]indfulness teaches women to become more aware of their internal bodily sensations, including sexual sensations, and this may improve their motivations for sex and increase their tendency to notice sexual arousal and have that arousal trigger sexual desire.”
The power of the mind is… well, immeasurable. Our emotions, memories, and senses determine how we experience sex; and mental stimulation helps reach orgasm. Relaxing and focusing on the sensations of your body will help the brain process your pleasure. Any negativity about sexuality blocks the infinite ways of enjoying sex—hindering any chance for orgasms. Recognizing what’s keeping you from achieving orgasm isn’t always easy. Here are a few ways we may be blocking pleasure, leaving us feeling uninspired and discontent sexually.
If you are convinced that you’re unable to have an orgasm, you won’t. Eventually, you’ll give up trying and probably fake one to appease a partner. Your mind is preventing the body from fully expressing its needs by blocking the sexual energy needed to reach climax.
Difficulty overcoming negative past experiences and afraid to open up sexually. This may be from painful intercourse, sexual assault or harassment, rejection, or past regrets. Bad memories create dark spots in the mind, generating hesitation in order to protect the self.
Many people grew up in an environment where sex wasn’t discussed or cast in a negative light. This causes shame and sexual insecurity.
We are living in an overstimulated environment and there are a million different things fighting for our attention; e.g., family or work. Stress is the single biggest enemy of our health and well being. Sexual activity is under the control of the involuntary nervous system; meaning we have no conscious control over it. When you try to have sex, your mind’s just not there,
Sex for women is a physical and intensely emotional experience; and not necessarily equivalent to men. We can easily condition ourselves to think of sex in a negative way, forming habits that prevent us from enjoying sex. Spontaneous stress responses that trigger automatic physical reactions develop. Women have to awaken their mind from its limitations by tearing down common mental blocks. It will open the door for sensations you never thought possible. Feeling sexual is a vibe we have to create to feel desirable, to achieve closeness, or to find our own pleasure.
The Force Awakens
If you research “female orgasm” on the internet, you’ll receive about 1.3 trillion results to filter through—how many types there are, how to have one, how to give one, etc. I’ll make it easy for you: it all boils down to female orgasms are a result of the erectile tissue in the genital region that engorge, followed by rhythmic contractions of pelvic floor muscles. It may sound a bit bland and formal, however this is the source of a woman’s orgasm. The female erectile tissue is the clitoris and when more attention is given to its stimulation, the chance of reaching climax increases exponentially.
The clitoris is suspended from the pubic bone and emerges to form a tiny external glans at the top of the vagina. Lying over the glands is a sheath of skin known as the clitoral hood and where “clitoral orgasms” come from. This, my friend, is just the tip of the iceberg. The majority of the clitoris’ body—the shaft, legs, bulbs and glands are internal and all have the capacity to become erect. It’s composed of about 8,000 nerve endings—twice as many nerve endings as the penis, by the way. The sensations starting in the clitoris spread across the pelvic area, affecting about 15,000 other nerve endings. With the appropriate amount of stimulation, the clitoris engorges and needs of release.
The clitoris is the gateway to a woman’s pleasure and orgasm. While clitoral orgasms are the most accessible kind, this mostly hidden bliss button for each woman is unique. Every woman has their own distinct way of being touched; and we want it caressed, licked, sucked, or stroked with direct stimulation. However, indirect touch; i.e., through clothing or by touching the labia surrounding the clitoris, can incite climax as well.
Aside from the ten digits on our hand, there are many toys that aide in having a clitoral orgasm. When it comes to sexual positions, the most advantageous is the cowgirl. This is when the woman is straddled on top of her partner, facing them, allowing the clitoris to be stimulated through the back and forth motion during intercourse. Women's Health offers a total of twelve positions that may stimulate orgasms; but as with all research, it’s important to try the many types of positions to see which gets you climaxing.
Report back.
Return of the Jedi
Having a vaginal orgasm is worthy of celebrating because less than half of women experience them during intercourse. Vaginal orgasms happen with internal stimulation from a dildo/vibrator, fingers, sometimes your partner’s penis, etc.
“Yes, the G-spot!”
Not exactly.
We’ve all been led to believe in the mystical G-spot—the soft, spongy area located in the upper roof of the vagina. Sorry to demystify the fairy tale we’ve all been told, it’s actually the clitoris resting above the vaginal wall.
I know… mind blowing.
The G-spot story began when two gynecologists, Ernst Grafenberg and Robert Dickinson, discovered “a zone of erogenous feeling” inside the vagina in the 1950s. They claimed this zone contained erectile tissue that swelled when massaged, possibly enhancing orgasm. (I’d love to see the video of that research!) They labeled the area the Grafenberg-Spot.
It wasn’t until the 1980s when sex researchers discovered the two doctors’ thirty-year-old report. They shortened the name to G-spot since no one could make Grafenberg sound sexy (just guessing); and published The G-Spot And Other Recent Discoveries About Human Sexuality. The book wasn’t necessarily well received in the medical community, but it brought women’s sexuality to the forefront for discussion. And, because not a lot of research has been dedicated to this topic, the public couldn’t get enough. It made the New York Times Bestseller list and was translated into nineteen languages.
Naturally, there would be some controversy about whether or not it’s actually the clitoris rather than a separate G-spot. We’ll leave that to the researchers to debate—but it makes perfect sense that it’s the clitoris with all those nerve endings affecting other nerve endings and then… bam! Orgasm. The reality is that the vagina itself has a limited amount of nerve endings and cannot create an orgasm on its own.
The clitoris has long been dismissed and misunderstood. In Rachel Gross’ article, The Clitoris, Uncovered: An Intimate History, she shares that in 1545, a French physician dissected the clitoris for the first time and named it membre honteux, “the shameful member.” He declared its sole purpose to be for urination. It wasn’t until 2005 when the entirety of the clitoris was presented by Australian urologist Helen O’Connell. Yes, almost five-hundred years! It would seem that if half the population has a clitoris, it should be top research priority and we should know way more.
But, I digress.
Back to the vaginal orgasm. As the clitoris swells during arousal, the blood vessels through the whole pelvic area also swell. This causes a feeling of fullness and sexual sensitivity. During intercourse, and with the right position, a penis rubbing against the upper vaginal wall could cause that series of involuntary and pleasurable muscular contractions. Essentially, it boils down to this… stimulating the vagina without also stimulating the clitoris is impossible.
In my case, while in missionary position, if I move my hips up and down slowly, in rhythm with my husband’s thrusts, I can easily have a vaginal orgasm. My movements are purposeful and this position also allows for clitoral stimulation against his pubic bone. The upward motion stimulates the internal “G-spot” area and there you have it, sexual tension released.
Attack of the Clones
There are just as many sex toys that incite vaginal orgasms as there are for clitoral stimulation; and some that do both, i.e., the legendary rabbit. What may also blow your mind is that the sensations felt with a vaginal versus clitoral orgasm can be quite different for many women. Although climax experiences are diverse, in general, a clitoral orgasm may be more intense due to being centered on one area. The vaginal orgasm tends to last longer and feels more soothing, making her feel relaxed. In my case, it feels like my soul left my body. For others, it may be the reverse or they may both feel exactly the same. I know it perplexing, however the key is to know YOUR body and what stimulates YOUR orgasms.
Practice. Practice. Practice.
The Last Jedi
Ladies: don’t be afraid to let your partner know how to please you. If he’s having difficulty finding that sweet spot, for the love of god, guide him. Don’t let him think you’re enjoying what he’s doing or assume he’s just ignorant about a woman’s body. Remember, every woman is different and he specifically wants to know what gives you pleasure. All you need is to do is communicate your needs and desires, get your mind into the moment, and prepare for climax.
Men: a woman’s sexuality doesn’t have to be complicated. Sex researchers Masters and Johnson found that it took women about 10 to 20 minutes of sex play to reach orgasm. As I mentioned, every woman’s sexual pleasure and orgasm is unique.
With that said, I think I can help with a tasty recipe to get her to orgasm and it only includes three main ingredients:
One hand for clitoral stimulation;
One tongue for cunnilingus;
One cock (or two… or three… we aren’t judging) for intercourse;
Season liberally with dirty talk and kisses.
Do not rush the sauce.
If you have any questions about this topic or sex in general, check out our other articles on sexdemystified.substack.com; or drop us an email. We will be more than happy to help you in your sexual adventure. Be sure to follow us on social media, too!