One of the more taboo ways to have sex is anal intercourse; which, of course, makes it even more exciting to try. Why is it taboo, you ask? I’m not sure exactly why given it’s long history; but let’s find out. To be certain we are all on the same page, anal intercourse is having a penis (finger, sex toy) penetrate the anus for sexual pleasure.
I will say that many more people than you think are engaging in heterosexual anal sex. While we don’t readily discuss our sex lives in polite conversations, we usually don’t hesitate to talk about it with our closest friends. What I find curious is how someone can easily share having a one night stand with a stranger, but not the anal sex they had with a steady partner. What makes anal sex so shameful or embarrassing?
Why the stigma surrounding something that has been around for centuries?
Given that it is far from a new novelty for sexual pleasure, the usual suspect condemning or forbidding anal is… you guessed it, religion. To start with a little history, Joe Duncan, writer for Medium.com, offers in his article The Complete History Anal Sex, that there are sculptures depicting anal sex dating back over 4,000 years ago. It was used as a form of contraception for many cultures—not unlike today for those who want sex but not babies.
“… simply going around and having sex with anyone who strikes their fancy, which gives us an insight into the world of sex before Christianity came along and made things significantly more puritan, especially when it came to anal sex…”
Duncan examines ancient Babylon, one of the oldest cities founded between 2334 to 2279 BCE, where the people engaged in anal intercourse. Their religion actually considered chastity a sin, encouraging “sex anywhere, anytime, without regard for anyone else around.” Cleverly, Duncan poses the question…
“What are the odds that anal sex of all types and positions would survive long enough to be found if it wasn’t totally prominent?”
Next up we have the Ancient Greeks, who many might stereotype as the “fathers” of anal sex—however, it’s mostly a punchline about homosexuality. The Greeks may have enjoyed both heterosexual and homosexual acts between the sheets, but the infamy of being all about anal sex isn’t documented in that manner. According to an article on sexualhistorytour.com, Miko Alicea discusses the concept of Greeks embracing anal sex:
“Sex between grown men was not acceptable mainly because it “feminized” the recipient. It was shameful to be feminized in a society that thought of women as lowly property… Greek Love really isn’t shorthand for being into anal sex since even the Greeks were either not very interested in it or where [sic] secretive about it due to the ancient populace’s worry that it might turn a young man into a woman.”
With my focus being heterosexual anal pleasure, what I surmised from Miko’s article is that anal sex happened between men and women because the act between two males feminized the recipient. The Ancient Romans were also thought to embrace the concept of “Greek Love.” The interesting aspect of their culture is that homosexuality wasn’t as simple as it is today—same sex attraction. In fact, there were no specific words for it or for heterosexuality. Romans didn’t look at gender to determine a sexual partner, but someone’s social status. Therefore, if you were both of the same social status and both of the same sex, the union was perfectly normal for their society.
The point being is that anal sex didn’t have the stigma it has in modern times. It was just another way for two people to engage in sex. Anal stimulation is simply a way to receive pleasure from or give pleasure to a sexual partner. As mentioned in my previous article, William Masters and Virginia Johnson were in the forefront of sex research. In the mid-1980s, they published On Sex And Human Loving which offered a section on anal intercourse between opposite sex couples.
“Although anal sex is sometimes thought of as a strictly ‘homosexual’ activity, a large number of heterosexual couples occasionally incorporate some variety of anal stimulation into their noncoital sexual play… Anal sex in any of its forms can be highly arousing and lean to male or female orgasm. But many people have strongly negative attitudes toward anal sex, an act which they may regard as being unclean, unnatural, perverted, disgusting, or simply unappealing.”
Masters and Johnson don’t elaborate on why people feel negatively about anal sex. They did write that more heterosexuals engaged in this type of sex than homosexuals. I question that aspect of their research and how many homosexuals were forthcoming given the negative views of this sexual orientation at the time. Nevertheless, the appreciation to be found is that their research didn’t ignore this type of sexual pleasure, nor did they treat it with any obvious contempt.
Enter Christianity
Stay with me… this is curiously fascinating.
Early theologians of the Christian Church, i.e., the Fathers of the Church, wrote the initial doctrine in the first five centuries, common era (CE). This is not to be confused with saints or those who wrote the New Testament. They were leaders and Bishops during the time Christians separated themselves from Judaism. Romans were seen by Christians as sexual deviants, which contributes to why their doctrine is laden with “laws” on human sexuality and sex. Not wanting to be controlled by urges of the flesh, the concept known as asceticism was applied to advocate not indulging the desires of the body or excessive behavior. Notwithstanding, they were also of the belief that women were simply vessels for procreation and the man’s sperm was solely responsible for new life.
The one thing many of these societies agreed upon is that woman were inferior. Christians initially wrote the story about Eve and the fall of man solely being her fault. She seduced Adam, persuading him to eat the apple—whereby introducing lust into that sacred garden. (And yet, we were told a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Think about that the next time she serves you dinner.)
Let’s go on a tangent for a moment. In Genesis 1:27 it reads:
“God created humankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them, male and female He created them.”
This indicates that He created both sexes together—at the same time. Let me introduce Lilith, the first woman. In short, she felt to be his equal and wasn’t about being submissive to Adam; a least, this is the story according to ancient text. She essentially gets redlined from the Bible, and in Genesis 2:20-22 it reads: “For Adam, no suitable helper was found.” Thus, Eve was then created from the rib of Adam.
I’d say that’s a strange course of events for an omniscient being—and from a god that doesn’t know how to make women. His first attempt created a free thinking, equal to man, woman. His second creation was someone who didn’t obey man or God. I believe the author(s) of Genesis (credited to Moses) did more harm than good by documenting God’s attempts at creating woman.
You know the rest of the story from bible school, but essentially women are forever cursed because of a fruit salad—which warrants creating rules to control a woman’s conduct. Curious how the story might have played out if Lilith’s perceived abundance of self-worth was actually embraced.
We can thank St. Augustine of Hippo (354-430) for the doctrine of original sin from Adam and Eve. He is thought to be the source of our society's negative attitudes about sexuality. Steven Greenblatt, writer for the New Yorker, wrote in his article How St. Augustine Invented Sex:
“[Augustine] went on to shape Christian theology for both Roman Catholics and Protestants, to explore the hidden recesses of the inner life, and to bequeath to all of us the conviction that there is something fundamentally damaged about the entire human species.”
In those hundreds of years following St. Augustine, the Church increased their power within society—sex and religion going hand-and-hand. If one wanted to get into heaven, they must follow the teachings of the Church; which includes their sex life. I honestly don’t mean to be dismissive, however my point is that Christians originally dictated the appropriate conduct of both men and women based on their culture. Most believers at that time (and even now), do not understand that the power of fear is nothing more than unseen chains that subjugate followers in carrying out the will of the Church.
Fortunately (and interestingly enough), Christian views have become more reasonable in the twenty-first century; but only when it comes to couples who are married. Protestant organizations, such as Focus on the Family touch on oral sex, allowing married couples to decide what’s right for them.
“Where there is love, there’s liberty, because God has given a husband and wife the privilege to define the uniqueness of their sexual relationship. No one else has the right or authority to tell them how to behave in the bedroom, as long as their actions don’t violate Scripture… The Bible never addresses the question of oral sex in marriage… couples must use their own judgment.”
They become a bit biased when it comes to anal sex because according to a Christian Sex Therapists, Clifford and Joyce Penner, a majority of women don’t enjoy it and feel violated after engaging in anal sex with their husbands. Therefore, all “anal sex appears to breach the biblical concept of mutual respect and enjoyment between partners.”
I think the comical part about this quote is that Mr. and Mrs. Penner assume that it is the woman who is the receiver of anal intercourse within the marriage.
Baptist pastor, Kevin Carson, addresses anal sex, discussing whether it’s sinful or permissible based on biblical teachings. At first, he writes that the Bible does not prohibit anal sex as there is no mention of it specifically; “we should not declare a particular thing sin when the Bible does not call it a sin.” That is the extent of any sign from him that it’s permissible to engage in anal intercourse. The Bible does, however, mention sodomy. The word sodomy comes from medieval Latin sodomia, from late Latin peccatum Sodomiticum ‘sin of Sodom’ (after Gen. 19:5, which implies that the men of Sodom practiced homosexual rape). So, technically, Mr. Carson is inaccurate.
He goes on to elaborate how it is unnatural as the rectum is not designed for “entry or thrusting.” He also believes it to be unloving and unhealthy. He, like Focus on the Family, pulls from the Penner’s insistence that anal sex is dangerous.
“Why would a husband want his wife to go through this?
On every level, this seems unkind and unloving.”
Carson has a few questions to ask yourself—as a Christian—if you want to know if God is okay with you having anal sex with your wife:
“Does it fulfill the purpose of glorifying God?
Is it driven by selfishness?
Is it driven by the lust of the flesh?
Is the spouse who desires this particular act doing so because of pornography, fantasies, regular masturbation, or other experiences which make routine sex with his or her spouse seem boring?”
Carson states that in his experience “usually the husband demanding anal sex has a lust problem and a history of pornography.” My question to him would be, what about if the women desires it?
In the course of my research on this topic within Christian websites, none of them condoned anal sex. All declared anal intercourse as dangerous and unnatural - “God’s intent is for men and women to marry each other and have normal sexual relations within the bonds of marriage. Anal sex is not normal sexual intercourse in the proper and true sense.”
Although I’m not one to stir the pot, it seems appropriate to insert a quote from Charles Darwin at this point:
“Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge: it is those who know little, and not those who know much, who so positively assert that this or that problem will never be solved by science.”
The Descent of Man (1871)
One thing to keep in mind is that ignorance is defined as being uneducated, unaware, or uninformed. What religious factions are doing is taking the negative aspects of anal intercourse to implement scare tactics for avoidance of a sex act they see as unnatural.
This is the only information they are willing to offer. The medical community and certified sex therapists offer information to make the experience pleasurable and safe. And from what I’ve witnessed, many on social media aren’t shying away from the conversation either.
As far as I am concerned, anal sex goes back to the Tree of Knowledge incident. If God didn’t want Adam or Eve to eat the fruit, why have it there to begin with? Why tempt both with the ability to know everything? If God didn’t want anal sex, why not create a body that doesn’t need to evacuate waste—and then have the opening less than an inch from the vagina. Seems suspicious to me—or at the very least, poor planning.
Use The Back Door For Packages
I recall the first time I had anal sex. I was around thirty and my then-husband asked if I wanted to try it with him. As I recall, I hadn’t even thought anal intercourse as an option. There definitely wasn’t any talk of it being taboo; and although I found porn stimulating, anal sex wasn’t prominent in anything I had ever watched. The motivator was a DVD that my ex had borrowed from a friend that was solely about anal sex. I was inspired and turned on enough to give it a try.
We took things slow with me positioned doggie style; it started out uncomfortable, but it wasn’t painful. After a couple of minutes there was some pleasure, however the most I could do was about three minutes. I began to feel agitated with the new sensations, unsure how to react. Being uptight is the last thing you want with anal sex given your sphincter muscles needs to relax. I didn’t see the appeal over vaginal sex at the time, so we didn’t pursue again.
That was until I was dating my current husband—about thirteen years later.
At the time, he and I were living in two different cities, about two hours apart. We’d meet up halfway on occasion to gaze into each others eyes and then have sex—in the car. (Those stories are for another time.) On one of those occasions, he asked if I wanted to have anal sex. By this time in my life, I was much more aware how mainstream it was, not to mention the many discussions he and I had about actually doing it. My trust in him is immense and confident he’d be attentive to my pleasure, or discomfort. I didn’t hesitate to say yes, but he could feel my body tense up.
All it took was his soft whispers and gentle kisses before I was putty in his hands. I was positioned in the back seat of my SUV facing forward, giving him plenty of room to kneel on the floor in front of me. With lube applied and him in a position to penetrate, he leaned forward and moved with very slow thrusts. The sensation that I felt at first, as if I’m going to have a bowel movement, passed once he was inside me. (Rest assured you won’t poop during anal sex.)
With our pseudo missionary position, it allow our pelvic area to rub against each other. This was clitoral stimulation for me, and as we found a steady rhythm, I had an orgasm—a powerful one. He came shortly after, collapsing on me. All I could do was laugh thinking how immensely pleasurable it was and how intensely I climaxed. It can only equate it to the thrill of being on a rollercoaster—first you’re anxious and then exhilarated. I was completely at ease with the experience and never imagined having an orgasm during anal sex. For whatever reason, it humored me.
Since that time, we’ve had anal intercourse on numerous occasions; including when I was menstruating. I will honestly say that not every time was pleasurable or offered an orgasm. There have been moments when my husband attempted to penetrate, but it was unpleasant when he began his gentle thrusts. He’ll stop immediately, understanding anal sex wasn’t going to happen. There have also been times when he’s inside me and something isn’t feeling quite right. Again, he stops immediately—whether at my request or knowing my body so well that he could sense it.
Like with any sexual act, one has to be present in mind, body, and spirit. If my mind isn’t totally focused on receiving pleasure, I’m unable to relax enough to enjoy anal sex. As I’ve mentioned before, my husband has a high sexual appetite and loves having anal intercourse; however, it’s never at the expense of my pleasure. I highly recommend both men and women get one of those type of lovers—compassionate, considerate, and attentive to your needs.
We Doing This?
First and foremost, should you feel sexually adventurous enough to try anal intercourse, it’s essential to talk openly and honestly with your partner. It should feel good for both of you, so discussing how to proceed is important. Remember, porn is fantasy and while it may seem inspiring and hot, reality may prove to be far less sexy if you both aren’t on board.
Don’t forget proper hygiene and ensure not only your hands are clean, but your anus area as well. You may choose to start small with an anal plug or small sex toy as it will give you a sense to what to expect and evaluate your tolerance. One important thing: the anus doesn’t self-lubricate like the vagina, so you will need a lot of lubricant. Have your partner massage your perineum—the area between your anus and your vaginal opening. This will help relax the muscles as well as further stimulate your libido. The anus is rich with sensory nerve endings, most are concentrated around the opening. Some people also enjoy having their anus licked or penetrated by a tongue—another reason to ensure cleanliness. By the way… big fan of the anal licking.
When you’re ready to move to the next step, there are many positions to try—the most popular being doggy-style. It isn’t the most pleasurable for me and I prefer either lying side-by-side (spooning) or missionary style with my legs propped up. The thrilling part is finding the position that works best and talk your way through each one. When anal sex is on the horizon for me, I take some deep breaths which allows my anus to open up and relax.
It really is about mindfulness and focusing on that area of your body. You may feel nervous during penetration because it feels like you’re trying to have a bowel movement; however, it’s just your anal sphincter opening up.
If I’m thoroughly relaxed, the heightened sensation I feel during penetration isn’t as discernible. When this happens, my husband sometimes wonders if he missed the mark because sliding into me offered no resistance. A little tip: (literally) start by having the penis slowly enter, but stop moving once the head of the penis is inside—allow her movement to determine the pace of insertion. This way she can adjust her rectum to stretch herself at her comfort level.
Anal sex should NEVER feel painful and don’t try to push through anyway. This may happen when his thrusting is way too fast or not enough lube is being used. Seriously, there is no need to rush as it’s not uncommon to have micro-tears and fissures caused by friction. If it doesn’t feel right, stop and talk about whether to proceed. It will feel surprisingly different from vaginal sex, but again it shouldn’t be painful. Once the penis is in the rectum, slow persistent thrusting offers a good sensation and it doesn’t need to necessarily be deep. I don’t recommend pulling all the way out during thrusting. Regardless of what you’ve witnessed watching porn, the sphincter closes quickly and the slow insertion process may need to be repeated.
As with all sexual activities, especially new ones, check in with your partner to ensure they are having a pleasurable experience. To further ease your mind, the chances of having a bowel movements are slim to none. Anal sex takes place in your rectum, which isn’t a storage area for poop. However, sometimes a little remnant is left behind. If you’re like I was initially, you will feel mortified when you see it on the towel that you always keep handy for after-sex clean up. Let that shit go—literally and figuratively.
We all know sex can be messy at times. This is also why we don’t risk bacterial infections by switching from anal to vaginal sex without cleaning your toy or his penis with soap first. However, if this is a concern, an enema will clear everything right up.
It’s also necessary to mention that although condoms are used to prevent pregnancy, it’s still absolutely necessary to not spread any STIs. And by the way, although improbable, it is still possible to get pregnant having anal sex. I’ll sexplain… when the man’s sperm is outside the opening of the anus—or he pulls out and ejaculates on you—those pesky little swimmers know what to do if given the opportunity.
My brilliant husband just blessed me with a sperm-colloquialism: no running around the pool deck! This means that all those little swimmers (his sperm) on the pool deck (your labia) just may slip into the pool (your vagina). Something to keep in mind, especially when you clean up after sex.
It may turn out that anal sex isn’t right for you or your partner—and that’s okay. However, if you’re willing to try, it’s essential to listen to your body. This, combined with planning and patience, can make an incredibly intimate experience that provides a new way to connect with your partner. An important part of anal sex is communication, before and after.
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