As I am approaching my fifty-second year on this cosmic spaceship which revolves around a star, I am firmly affixed in the middle-aged category. You know, the point where one has to scroll several times to reach their birth year with any online form. My shoulders simply shrug when my daughter refers to a popular band or actor she likes, not having a clue who they are. I ask her to decipher acronyms I see on social media and insist she not use them when she texts me.I require clear and spelled-out, concise messages. Merriam-Webster may assimilate their spellings to contemporary options, however I will not.
Yes, I’m showing my age.
I have become my parents when they were in their fifties. They are now retired and in their early seventies, however they don’t seem so much older than me anymore. Our conversations are a lot more agreeable and we talk about adult things; such as politics, health problems, and… well, that’s about it.
I recognize that I’m in the prime position to witness what’s important to both today’s youth and those who take advantage of senior discounts. My oldest is twenty-three with a career and handling his adult responsibilities. He calls me occasionally and cryptically shares his love-life. He’s comfortable discussing pretty much anything with me, but rarely specifics—which I’m totally fine with. I honestly don’t want to know details, however I’m always at the ready to listen should he insist.
Our daughter (an eighteen year old senior about to graduate) has received more of a sex education than our two boys… err, men. This is mostly because she has proven to be far more engaging with the conversations than our boys were. Either way, it fascinates me to hear our kid’s perspectives on sex and relationships. Understandably, given their ages, they are naive and inexperienced. They’re at the age where vast experience isn’t expected and in the process of discovery. I almost envy their fresh take on sexuality and love.
My group, Gen X (1965-1980), didn’t have a proper sex education, nor did generations before us. By the time Millenials (1981-1996) reached their teens, society was knee-deep in the computer age with access to the internet. Gone were the heavy encyclopedias; they can research absolutely any information they need online. When Gen Z (1997-2012) got old enough to type out their name on their personal iPads, the internet had expanded exponentially—essentially creating a new and alternate world online.
This includes access to sexual content, i.e., porn. Gen Z and those who follow are learning more at a younger age given sexual behavior is common in the television programs, video games, and films. Even many of the family favorite animated movies have sexual innuendos.
Does this mean an enlightened view of one’s libido in today’s society?
Maybe. Sexual motivation or libido develops throughout most of an individual’s life. It’s an impulse to gratify sexual needs, either through direct sexual activity or through unrelated activities that inadvertently heighten desire. If we consider the easy access to sexual information, we can assume people are paying more attention to their libido. They don’t need to risk any shame asking a parent or sneak a book from the library to find out how to reach orgasm. They use “The Google.”
When I became a teenager back in the 80s, I was innately interested in sexual content and would seek it out whenever possible. As I mentioned in my previous article, my parents thwarted any efforts to see any sexuality on television or in the home; so I was on my own. I surmised intercourse included a penis and vagina by the time I was in high school, but that’s about it. I did know a girl could get pregnant if a condom wasn’t used, or STDs might be spread. I touched on my first sexual experience in an early post and it wasn’t as mind-blowing as I had imagined it would be. What I did figure out was that I enjoyed everything leading up to the moment—sexual tension, kissing, fondling—the overall intimacy.
Let’s do a little time travel through the decades of sexuality.
The Twenties
While in your twenties, the sex drive is fluctuating at a high level—for both men and women. I’ll add a disclaimer that it doesn’t mean everyone has ranging hormones as the libido is rather complex. There is no “normal” when it comes to sex drive, however research shows it’s powerful in your twenties. The reality is the libido varies from person to person; it changes based on life experiences, emotional environment, and biological factors. However, those biological forces are working overtime looking to reproduce; and the ladies are extremely fertile during this time.
At this age, sex can spontaneously happen anywhere and at anytime because you feel more freedom to do so. Stay out all night? No sweat—let’s party naked ’til dawn! Twenty-somethings are in the midst of sexual independence and exploration. Although, emotions may need to be compartmentalized and expectations lowered when it comes to casual sex. There are likely to be a few less-than-awesome partners; many having absolutely no idea what they’re doing.
Once I was in my twenties, I was married early and my attitude toward sex changed. If you’re up to date on The Drive Home series, you know I was having numerous affairs while married to my first husband. I found sex could be both intimate and pleasurable with him; or it could simply be just sex with others. Many people don’t mind having sex without any strings attached, understanding it’s purely physical. I was one of those people.
I believe intimacy allows for vulnerability, which I didn’t want from anyone outside of my marriage. I was still using a learn-as-you-go-method when it came to my sexuality, which I believe most people in their twenties are experiencing. They just happen to now be armed with more knowledge than I had when I was their age. Experience doesn’t automatically give you knowledge or understanding of your sexuality; at least not without taking mental notes and exploring what you like and don’t like about sex.
The Thirties
As you approach your thirties, you’ve become more settled as a sexual being. Women do have more fun with sex in their thirties because they know what feels good and how to secure pleasure; not to mention their sex drive is floating high. They are better able to express what they want more effectively. Men will always be visual creatures, however there is generally more focus on romance. They begin to look more for substance, quality, and sustainability in their sexual partners.
This is a common age when both men and women settle down, begin to start families, and have established careers. So many factors hinder the spontaneity of sex—stress, parenting children, lack of sleep, and overall… simply adulting.
I was twenty-eight when I got pregnant and had my second child within eighteen months after my son was born. I gave up my career and became a full-time mom, so my early thirties were busy raising two small boys. They were up with the sun, so staying out all night dancing turned into hitting the hay by 10 p.m. The days were filled with meals, outings to the park, snacks, bath time, and finally story time. Where does one squeeze in some adult playtime?
Shagging takes place in any small windows of opportunity.
If you’re married, you’re sexual exploration begins and ends with your spouse—at least that’s the collective idea. This applies to long-term relationships, as well. Sex should never become a chore, but sometimes scheduling time for it may feel that way. The amount of sex might be less—however, compensating with the quality and depth of connection is crucial.
The Forties
Based on personal experience, I believe your forties is when all hell breaks loose with the sex drive. Hormones for women are fluctuating as they approach perimenopause; which on average begins around forty-five. Specifically the testosterone levels decline, the sex hormone which our ovaries produce. This may affect the libido, mood, and even the sensation of sex—how it physically feels. The key to maintain a healthy outlook is anticipating the evolution and respond with curiosity, not negativity. On the positive side, it continues to be a sexually liberating time of confidence whereby a woman is more likely to speak up about what brings her to orgasm.
For men, the testosterone controlling their sexual drive never stops being produced, it only reduces as they age. Many men at this age may require more direct stimulation to get an erection as becoming aroused takes a little longer. Even though things slow down a bit physically, a man’s interest in sex remains high. By this age, many have hopefully amplified foreplay skills as their concerns for pleasing their partner has increased.
I recognized perimenopause was affecting me in my late forties. It was a bit overwhelming as there wasn’t a lot of information that helped validate my concerns. My recent article lays out everything I went through physiologically; however psychologically, I was rarely in the mood for sex. I was experiencing depression—hardly a friend of the sex drive. Fortunately, I have a husband with whom I can talk about these issues and it helped tremendously. He being in his early forties showed no signs of slowing down, maintaining a high sexual appetite. His patience and my recognizing what I was going through improved our sex life; however, it isn’t without conscious effort.
The Fifties
Ah yes, the cougar age! I’m kidding, but I’m not. I personally like a gentleman closer to my age or slightly older. For me, it helps with the connection and relatable conversation. My female counterparts may enjoy the company of a younger man and his endurance in bed, however, it’s all about our individual happiness and no one should ever judge. Either way, men and women in their fifties are less tolerant of wasting time and more about speaking their mind. This is both sexually and in everyday situations.
It’s a glorious time to be fifty as we aren’t the same fifty our parents were. Think about it this way, if you’re a fan of The Golden Girls, the women were supposedly in their fifties on the sitcom that aired in 1985 to 1992. This is the same age the women are in Sex and The City’s reboot And Just Like That… that came out earlier this year. We can argue the semantics of aging, however we are seeing a reboot of what people in their fifties look like and what’s really important to them.
There is more of a drive today to be healthy, eat right, exercise, and feed your mind. The only thing really up for debate is how all of those things are to be done. Additionally, there are more conversations about our sexual wellness. This is essential due to many factors with our bodies as we age. Sexual health and our overall health are mutually exclusive. Some health problems and the medications used to remedy them can have an effect on our libido, our state of arousal, and our ability to achieve an orgasm.
Women hit menopause (statistically around the age of fifty-one), causing hormone levels to drop significantly; leading many to experience changes such as low sex drive, night sweats, depression, insomnia, and/or vaginal dryness. A man’s testosterone level continues to decrease; so again, it may take longer to achieve an erection, possibly lacking potency and longevity.
The best aspect with any of these changes in our body is to understand it doesn’t have to hinder our ability to enjoy sex. It was important for my husband and me to have the conversations about our sex life. To be honest, it wasn’t always easy but we cared enough about our intimacy. Talking with medical professionals is also helpful. There is no shame in wanting to ensure both you and your partner have a sexual connection. There are numerous physical and emotional benefits to having sex, including a strengthening the immune system and lowering stress levels.
And if we are being honest, sex helps me sleep better.
The challenge is that the more problematic having sex feels, the less you’ll want to do it; and, the less you do it, the more difficult it becomes. The best way to avoid a vicious circle is to simply spend more time having sex. However, be honest with each other about the changes you’re experiencing. Don’t avoid intimacy just because you’re too embarrassed by what’s happening to your body.
I have another eight years before I reach my sixties and I am less concerned now about my future sex life. Having the understanding that there are many ways to ensure I can still be intimate with my husband is comforting. As is knowing that I can talk to him about everything I’m going through physically and mentally is very reassuring.
What I’ve Learned
There really isn’t clear measure of one’s sex drive; nor is there a clear explanation of one’s sexual peak. Many have a satisfying sex throughout their adult lives despite fluctuations of libido. Obviously, our sexual functions change over time, however those changes don’t mean lack of satisfaction with sex.
Research is ongoing with human sexuality and it has shown there is a wide variety of sex drives, sexual activity, and sexual satisfaction. Yes, we easily agree that young, healthy people have the highest hormone levels and most likely to have sex frequently. Just understand that our sexual desire and behavior changes as we age—inevitably though, our sexual satisfaction will also increase (typically with the right partner). Our sex life just looks different at each stage of our life.
The University of Michigan National Poll on Healthy Aging asked a national sample of adults age 65–80 about their experiences related to sexual health in October of 2017. The poll results indicated two in five adults stated they were sexually active. What I surmise is that our parents are potentially still getting it on… at least almost half of them. All I can offer is that ensure you call before heading to mom’s house. You never know what you might encounter if you show up unannounced.
Some things cannot be unseen.
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