Some People Are So Judgmental
I can tell just by looking at them.
Why is it we, collectively, tend to sweat the small stuff? Over the generations, we have shifted balance toward the “forest for the trees” mentality—focusing on the innocuous details of life instead of life itself. One thing we can count on is that life is uncertain; we only get one chance to make the best of it. When I decided to try my hand at adult sex entertainment on OnlyFans, my fears started to pile up. What if I don’t get any fans? What if some asshat insults me? And the biggest fear…
What if my friends or family discover what I’m doing?
It’s a massive fear to overcome that I’m still working on. It’s not simply the concept of being judged by them, it’s the relationship I would have with them afterwards. Although there are many sexual freedoms I exercise in my personal life, I am not one to share them openly within my inner circle (apparently just with anonymous strangers for a fee). One might call it a trust issue; however the bottom line is that I fear the judgement of those I care about. I don’t even know if they will think negatively of me, but the weight of whether or not I should take that chance is heavy.
What does fear of judgement really mean?
The fear of judgment is an obstacle that prevents us from experiencing and expressing our true selves. We proactively circumvent living as we want to keep people in our life from judging us. And for a lot of us, we also fear the judgement of people at the grocery store, restaurants, etc. The reality is that we ALL judge others—good, bad, or indifferent. And even if we know more about the person or situation, we’ll simply reassess our judgment but still judge all the same.
We will never be able to control what others think of us. Even if they don’t say anything, we can’t stop the physiological brain process. Meaning, the brain governs responses, senses, movement, emotions, language, communication, thinking, and memory. Our mind is always thinking, analyzing and comparing. Your mind wants to be active. It is constantly categorizing things, experiences, and people, as good or bad, fun or boring, smart or stupid… you get the idea.
Everyone has some sort of a brain (mind) filter that works on the subconscious level. This filter was built by the influence of our parents, by the people we have met, and by our experiences. We all have to make judgments in order to live our daily lives. Judging only becomes a problem when you get hooked into comparing yourself as better or worse than others. Can we acknowledge that fears of judgment are based on how you ultimately feel about yourself or your actions?
Do you feel what you are doing is wrong? In my case, do I feel that x-rated photos and videos sold to strangers is inappropriate?
When you judge yourself as better than others, it’s called pride. If used in the negative, it’s called shame. We aren’t always honest about our feelings. Most times, we aren’t trying to deceive. We are, however, trying to conform to the collective—hiding our true thoughts and feelings in order to not rock the boat.
How much of our moral compass is influenced by what we perceive to be the “right” answer?
Perhaps many of us don’t have a clear idea of how to be grounded in our identities and actions. Some turn to organized religion because it provides some moral grounding to live by. However, for others, organized religion falters under rational scrutiny and is ultimately seen as an inadequate guide.
We have immeasurable freedom to construct our own life and make moral decisions based on what feels appropriate. However, does that really narrow down the core values that consistently guide us if there are no set rules for moral behavior? Does that leave us with is a morally relativistic society?
Moral relativism is the view that moral affirmations, which vary from person to person, are all equally valid and no opinion of “right and wrong” is better than any other. These are all based on the idea that there is no conclusive standard of good or evil, so every judgment about right and wrong is purely the result of a person’s preferences and environment. Ultimately, we arrive at the truest form of the basic question:
Who am I to say what’s right for someone else?
The answer: You’re not.
Now before you get all excited here, aside from cultural diversity (the values, beliefs, and customs that exist in a particular society), moral relativism implies that obvious moral wrongs are just as acceptable (see Nazism). What we actually want to represent in our contemporary society is along the lines of Moral Realism—an ethical view that there are certain moral facts and rules that every individual must follow. For example, murder is wrong regardless of what anyone thinks about the issue. The wrongness of the act is not affected by the will of a single person or even an entire culture; it is simply wrong.
Before we go any further down this road, I think it is important to clarify a couple of things:
Morality is a person’s or society's idea of what is right or wrong, especially regarding a person's behavior; and Ethics is a system of values that are "moral" as determined by a community. Simply put: morals are considered guidelines that affect individuals, and ethics are considered guidelines for the collective or communities in general (see Hippocratic Oath). That said, morals have changed over time and largely based on location, i.e., different countries can have different standards of morality. However, morality can be considered relative since it is determined individually from person to person whereas ethics are relative to different communities and cultures.
When it comes to our individual sexuality, whose to determine how someone should behave? The 'traditional view' behind sexual morality was—at one time and still in some circles today—only sex between a married heterosexual couple is morally right. Fortunately, this is no longer a common belief. Many are geared to judge various sexual acts to be morally right based on their personal beliefs. The label given to those acts considered “wrong” is perversion.
Perversion is constituted as sexual behaviors that are considered particularly abnormal, repulsive or obsessive; also referred to as Paraphilia (Krauss, 1903). Some examples include:
Exhibitionism/Voyeurism
Fetishism
BDSM
That particular list of “perversion” pretty much encompasses my sexual repertoire! These are seen by many as consensual sexual activities that provide pleasure, and are physically or emotionally satisfying to all involved. My husband doesn’t judge me as morally wrong, nor do I him; and certainly not the fans who subscribed. Sex and sexuality, devoid of stigma, should be seen in terms of being normal, natural, healthy, good, and beautiful. However, we have a history of psychoanalysis stating sexual diversity is perverse requiring a cure.
I should add that Paraphilia also includes rape, beastiality, and pedophilia—all of which we can collectively agree are both morally and ethically wrong—I would never advocate otherwise. This is a example of how sexual diversity is geared toward the negative when anything outside of marital, pro-creative-sex are grouped together with these three violations as perversion and/or disorders.
Why should I care if anyone disagrees with my sexuality and wants to judge me?
We need to clear up what sexuality really means because the context changes depending on how we use the word. Human sexuality is how we understand our bodies and how we understand our relationships. This understanding includes all aspects of who we are: our values and beliefs, bodies, desires, relationships, gender, and our thoughts and feelings about all of these. It is the total of our physical, emotional, and spiritual responses. Ultimately, sexuality is more about who we are than about what we do.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I received no formal sex education or parental sex talk. All of my fears of so-called sexual immorality are driven by the little I learned about sex on my own—not to mention the overt cynicism toward any sexual freedoms I saw (and still see) in society. Despite the confidence I’ve acquired in my sexuality in recent years, those unwarranted feelings of shame are still present. In turn, I avoid conversations that would allow anyone to know my true self, under the assumption I’ve done something wrong in their eyes. Whether it be OnlyFans, swinging lifestyle, or having an open relationship with my husband—these are the types of things I don’t want people close to me to be aware of. And yet, here I am telling all of you. This is called irony.
I understand the notion we don’t normally talk about what goes on in the bedroom with family or friends. But should we have the conversations about sex and sexuality? Would it make it easier to remove the fear of judgment if we just put it all out there—faced the fear? If everyone has their own interpretation of what’s acceptable, we shouldn’t care if they frown upon what we find sexually stimulating anyway. Right? …
Right??
The point is that we really shouldn’t allow other’s judgments to get in the way of who we want to be, sexually or otherwise—no matter who they are. You never know how people will react to the real you; however, hiding your true self is never better than that perceived rejection.
Writing about this topic has been quite therapeutic for me. Fear of judgement has been an issue for as long as I can remember. My husband and I continue to have lengthy discussions about my fears. Even with his encouragement, this is a process. I am working on not feeling instant panic at the thought of my family reading what I write about concerning my sexuality. This is countered by my desire to stop pretending with every conversation or gathering I have with friends and family. Presently, I am operating on the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy. I don’t ever picture myself advertising all my sexual desires to strangers on the street. It is honestly no ones business. But I also won’t hide who I am.
I started out this article by stating an obvious fact: the one thing we can count on is that life is uncertain; we only get one chance to make the best of it. I plan on making my life the best I can despite any insecurities or fears that surface. Who knows how long the process will take but I am committed. After all, we are, collectively, a work-in-progress.