I’ve never been one to buy into the concept that men are from Mars or women are from Venus; along with the the oppositional baggage anticipated between those differences. Although it can’t be ignored that both sexes think differently, it can safely be said that we all want the same things—varying in which path we take to get them. How about when we apply this to our sexuality, specifically what someone considers sexy or attractive? It’s all relative to the individual.
Unless we are talking about Chris Hemsworth—he’s just an unquestionable living god; I mean, he’s Thor after all.
There are many who hold steadfast to their ideals. They only select partners who check all their boxes. I had a girlfriend that I worked with about 25 years ago who had a list of attributes for the perfect man she would date. Needless to say, she never found that perfect man and had a lot of space on her social calendar. I would watch those poor, unfortunate souls who attempted to get her undivided attention. I knew with just a glance it wasn’t going to happen. They weren’t tall enough, muscular enough, and didn’t dress to impress. She wasn’t cruel, but she was honest in letting them know she wasn’t interested—never once stopping to check for a good personality.
Many call that being superficial or shallow, so let’s check the dictionary for the definition of those two words:
Superficial - implies a concern only with surface aspects or obvious features.
Shallow - implies lack of depth in knowledge, reasoning, emotions, or character.
Definitely not a positive trait for anyone to have but it invariably happens to everyone. I know, who would want to be with someone who judges you simply based on physical attributes? If it’s purely sexual, sure. But if you’re looking for a long-term partner, not so much. There’s a misconception that if we lower our “high standards,” we will be unhappy. I think we just need to evaluate how realistic our standards are.
Let’s go back to 1985 when John Hughes wrote and directed Weird Science. The plot centered around two high school nerds creating the perfect virtual woman who comes alive. This is very Frankenstein-like, but way sexier. We all have that ideal partner we’ve created in our head and some are fortunate to have found that person. Most others find qualities in a potential partner that coincide with their ideal mate. It may be hair or eye color, breast size, height, or body type. We may look for cultural similarities or like-minded hobbies and goals.
When I was younger I had my list of what made the perfect man. I wouldn’t dream of implying there aren’t physical attributes I still find desirable—even if it’s changed over the years. I like dark hair, blue eyes, beards, tanned skin, and physically fit. Yes, all surface features, but this is just about first glance when your heart skips a beat and the libido is ignited. Realistically, the concept of “love at first sight” doesn’t involve personality—just someone who has physical characteristics that you desire.
I met my husband almost ten years ago and the moment I shook his hand, I was instantly smitten. For the record, my husband has blue eyes, dark hair, and all other features I find sexy. The difference is that I also had the wisdom of age and experience to know that wasn’t enough. I need intellect, wit, self-confidence, and a compatible moral compass to make a relationship work. I found all of those things with him.
My husband has a few of those superficial things that he appreciates in a female, like large breasts or a big booty. The remarkable thing is that he sees sex appeal in almost every woman. There is always something he finds attractive about them. Let me just say that I honestly don’t care if my husband finds other women attractive; nor does he care if I’m gawking at some guy. This is not a lack of devotion or signs of disrespect for us. As the saying goes, we’re married, not dead. Being in a loving relationship doesn’t automatically make everyone else unattractive, it makes you unavailable—if that’s the relationship you agreed upon.
I’ve often joked with him that he has no standards when it comes to the women he ogles, but I do realize that’s not a bad thing. We should look for attractive qualities in everyone. In fact, my husband will point out a guy he thinks I might find sexy. (Marriage tip: this helps with fantasy role-play in the bedroom.)
There have always been ubiquitous standards of beauty, however perceptions of those standards can greatly differ within cultures and even a time period. In Ancient Greece around 500 B.C., women were more attractive if they were full-bodied. A man, on the other hand, was expected to be muscular and lean. In the Gilded Age, late 1800s, men who were hefty were considered ideal as that meant they were wealthy, rather than those physically fit due to manual labor. Women were expected to wear binding corsets to give them an hourglass shape, regardless of body size. This look became the ideal during Hollywood’s Golden Age, circa 1930, with curves with that offered the same an hourglass figure but without a corset. (See Marilyn Monroe.) Once again, men during this time were expected muscular and lean.
What history demonstrates is that society flip-flops on what’s ideally attractive. It’s all an arbitrary construct. We really don’t need a group of people sitting around a table to determine what’s attractive, then marketing it to society. We can decide this on our own as the notion of beauty is found in diversity. This equals the romance field in infinite ways. In the end, it will always be subjective to an individual. (See “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”)
“If you inhabit a role too well and too long you start to become that role. You have lost yourself. The man who always wears a mask becomes the mask. There is no longer a real face under the mask, just a ghastly blank where a human soul once was.”
~ Joe Dixon, The Irresistible Rise of Mediocre Man: The War On Excellence
I took an opportunity to ask someone who is undoubtedly qualified to speak for Gen Z: my eighteen year-old daughter. I asked her what she finds attractive in a guy. She didn’t start off listing physical attributes, but claimed she likes a guy who looks “put together”—meaning he should wear clothes that fit well, not dangling jeans and oversized t-shirts. Bonus if he’s wearing business casual with nice slacks and a button down shirt. The other attributes include them having things in common and he’s easy to talk to. I think she has the right idea and she’s been taught well.
When it comes to her own personal style, she appreciates clothes but despite her curvy figure, she prefers not to wear anything to form fitting or remotely provocative. She doesn’t like the attention from guys. She also seems to have a specific color preferences—black, brown, white, or red.
Aside from the monotone color scheme, I do encourage her to wear clothes that fit her better. Naturally it’s not for her to be more sexy—clothes just look better when they fit your body type. For example, buying a women’s cut t-shirt or lose the jersey shorts her older—and taller—brother gave her.
I know, it goes against my principle of wearing what you want. I won’t try to rationalize my thought process, but being a mom gives me inalienable rights to share my opinion with her. My daughter wears whatever she wants and I don’t make her feel bad for doing so.
The only thing I will always encourage—to anyone—is that we should look like we care about our appearance. Many don’t feel the need to pay attention to basic hygiene or clothing when they leave the house. It’s not for me, but you do you. I honestly don’t care what anyone wears, but my point is this: a well-dressed person is generally perceived as confident and self-assured—because that’s actually how they are feeling. With that said, no one can honestly say that when they believe they look good, that they don’t feel fantastic. This is a good thing for us mentally.
How we feel about ourselves will always supersede what others think of us.
Inevitably though, many of us do consider other’s opinions; whereby controlling how we look—and subsequently feel about ourselves. I can direct you back to my article on modesty, where many feel compelled to conform to societal expectations. Then there’s my article about freeing the nipple and being comfortable because everyone has them. So don’t concerned about going braless if that’s what you want to do.
I am absolutely confident my husband is turned on by me no matter what I’m wearing, even without any makeup. He’s attracted to who I am as a person. But, I am also aware he loves when I wear provocative clothing. He isn’t incessant or demanding, just curious why I don’t wear things that accentuate my body’s assets more. This isn’t a debate, just a discussion—one I think worth exploring.
While scrolling through the endless reels on Instagram, you might come across the one where the woman placates her husband who wants her to dress more sexy at home. She wears her sultry, low-cut gown to scrub the toilet, another to vacuum, and yet another to load the dishwasher. Naturally, men see nothing wrong with this whereas women find it less than practical to dress up for a night on the town while doing household chores.
I would gather most men would like their partners to dress in what they deem as “sexy” at all times. I believe this is where the disconnect lies when it comes to what is considered sexy. When I see my husband in his shorts, t-shirt, baseball cap, I think, “Damn, he’s so sexy!” Now, if he puts on a suit and tie, that’s a whole level up and I will instantly melt into a puddle; probably drooling. However, I wouldn’t want him to wear business attire while grilling a steak or running errands.
There are times when a woman walks by and he tells me, “You’d look good in that top she’s wearing. It’s hot!” This is when I have a choice: I can either say, “Oh yes! I need that;” or scrunch up my nose saying, “I would never wear that.” The latter is sure to annoy my husband as he sees it as limitation I put on myself and perhaps insecurity.
Let me first say that although it may sound like it, he really isn’t a neanderthal who gives me a hard time. However, he is right—partly. I don’t always feel confident enough to wear that skin-tight, low-cut shirt or form-fitting dress even when I want to. I accept that my husband feels if you are sexy (which I clearly am), then it shouldn’t matter where, when, why, or how—wear the clothes that you want.
I agree and very much admire a woman who walks with confidence in whatever she chooses to wear. How a woman is dressed is a reflection of her autonomy. However, I also don’t believe I need to be more revealing to feel sexy; or if I’m not comfortable in something that I should ignore my feelings. If I’m wearing my favorite t-shirt and jeans, I can easily feel sexy. Just because I have DD sized-breasts and a curvy figure doesn’t mean I should wear things to accentuate them. And to sound totally like a flip-flopper, I should feel secure in who I am and wear what I want.
My concern is whether or not partners can be turned on simply by the other’s presence without having to wear something specifically sexy. I get women simply have more ways to dress to turn their partner on. We have lingerie, mini-skirts, tight shorts and shirts, etc.—we just have to be reasonable about expectations.
Sexual arousal may be a powerful thing, but there are many ways to invoke that feeling.
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