Our sexuality is influenced early on from our familial upbringing and the societal norms that we grow up with. If you were raised to feel that sex is bad or to be feared, you might suppress your own sexual exploration. Whether it was for religious or cultural reasons, early unease of sexuality can stay in our subconscious. Additionally, if you were raised in a culture that had rigid definitions of how a woman should behave, or what qualifies as attractive, a man may choose a partner based on that expectation. A woman may grow to feel inadequate or self-conscious if she doesn’t fall into that particular mold.
My upbringing, at least the influential teenage years, was filled with how a girl should behave and dress. Mom encouraged me to be modest and conservative, which was naturally subjective to her views. I was encouraged to leave things “a mystery” by not having skirts too short or shirts too tight. It’s when we use descriptive words such as “slutty” or “easy” in the hopes of discouraging an outfit that the negative seed is planted. Your daughter is simply creating a look for herself and demonstrating she has a mind of her own. There are ways to encourage more modest attire and sometimes parents need to compromise. The last thing we should do as parents is to imply what she likes looks like a whore. Besides, not unlike I did, she’ll just change into what she wants when out of your sight.
On that note. . .
Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis and interpreter of dreams, is a name everyone knows. However, many may not know he was also in the forefront of human sexuality. Freud believed our sexuality originates in childhood and it isn’t static—it matures and develops as we age. Our desire for pleasure is a motivating force throughout life. He developed many theories on sexual behavior; one in particular about a man’s unease towards a woman’s sexuality. Freud theorized that men placed women into one of two categories: the Madonna, a woman he admires and respects; and the whore, a woman he is attracted to, but essentially disrespects.
The Madonna-whore complex views a woman’s desirability and virtuousness as mutually exclusive traits. The Madonna is nurturing and pure. The whore is overly sexual and immoral. This dichotomy limits a woman’s sexuality by placing them into one of these two categories. Many of Freud’s sexual theories are now considered archaic and unequivocally sexist; however, his psychoanalytic notion of the Madonna-whore complex is still applicable in today’s society. Unfortunately, a lot women tend to placate their sexual agency by lying about their past sexual experiences and avoid wearing what they want to maintain a more chaste appearance. Think of it as the ordering of “just a salad” on a first date when she really wants a 18-ounce porterhouse. Suppressing who we are for the sake of finding a partner never really works in the end.
Freud also believed human behavior is influenced by unconscious, impulsive, and self-serving desires.
He’s not necessarily wrong.
Not unlike in Freud’s time (1856-1939), women are still expected to suppress their sexuality while simultaneously being admired for a youthful appearance and perpetuate a high standard of attractiveness. This, of course, is all subject to whomever is doing the judging. Women want to be respected for who they are and for their accomplishments—not by what they wear. This isn’t to say they don’t want to be desired; they do. We all do—male and female.
Whether it be subconscious or not, it is inherently sexist to determine a woman as either pure and good or tainted and bad. I don’t speak for all women, however most don’t want to be categorized as either a saint or a slut. I would imagine it prevents men who intentionally embrace the Madonna-whore complex from having healthy, long-lasting relationships. It’s as if their love and respect for their partner can’t seemingly merge with the concept she might be highly sexual. Then the insecurities begin…
Where did she learn that move?
Who did she do this with before?
How many men has she done this with?
All irrelevant if she’s interested in the man in front of her. Just ask Chris Rock—a majority of men do not want to know how many partners a woman has had. They are made insecure by the knowledge or judge a woman based on her number of partners. A woman’s sexual history doesn’t make her a slut, much less is it a signifier of her worth as a long-term partner. Although many women do find sex to be the deepest form of love and connection, they may also appreciate having a lot of it and in many different ways. Then there are women who simply enjoy having sex without the commitment of a relationship—casual sex. Men have been doing it forever, so why not a woman? Everyone can reap the benefits of sexual experience as it instills confidence and ease in communicating desires.
As I’ve written before, when my husband and I were dating, we determined that we would be completely vulnerable and layout our sexual past. I was hesitant at first for fear that he would label me as one of those “easy" girls, subsequently losing respect and interest. However, I trusted him and took the chance. He didn’t flinch learning my number of sexual partners was higher than his. It was my past and nothing could be done to change it anyway. He actually saw this as a positive aspect of my sexuality. Sharing our past has also made it easy to have conversations throughout our relationship about sex and our desires.
One area where we do have conflicting views is clothing. I can’t say I have a style, but fitted t-shirts and shorts is the everyday look. One of my biggest issues is feeling comfortable wearing more revealing clothes (e.g., low cut) without fear of someone judging me—or the attention it brings. My husband loves when I wear sexy outfits; however I just look at myself in the mirror and rationalize whether I’m inappropriately dressed for wherever we’re going. It’s probably just my subconscious reminding me that my mother will disapprove. But, I don’t always want to wear a bra and I do like a lot of low-cut shirts. It’s not like my nipples are showing; however, you probably could tell the temperature of the room by them. Overall, it makes me second guess myself and it shouldn’t.
It’s actually quite vain to think that you’re important enough for total strangers to take the time to analyze who you are as a person. Eyebrows may raise, however you become a fleeting thought once they pass you. What we wear isn’t necessarily related to how sexual we ultimately are, revealing or not. Women use clothes to convey a positive image of themselves. We are inclined to assume the way we dress affects the inferences that others will make about us—regrettably, whore is may be one of them. Attractive people are often considered outgoing and sexually receptive; however, no one can accurately assess a woman’s “easiness” based on she wears. Sexualizing a person’s clothing choices seems incredibly moronic in present culture given so many fashion freedoms. Besides, men (and women) will look at you no matter what—it’s just human nature.
Ye Old Double Standard
Everyone is familiar with the sexual double standard—women being judged more harshly than men for engaging in the same sexual behaviors. Traditional thoughts were that men are always thinking about sex and women are more reserved with their sexuality. They were reserved because talking about the frequency in which the wanted sex wasn’t deemed proper… because of the double standard.
Slowly, and thankfully, a woman’s openness about their sexuality has become more socially acceptable as they are more embolden to think and talk about sex freely. Sexual liberation for everyone has been reflected by subtle changes in society over the decades—for example, premarital sex is no longer considered deviant behavior that made you an outcast previous generations.
Interestingly enough, I think men actively not wanting a woman who has had multiple partners or talks about her desire for sex is not the issue. I believe it’s more along the lines of traditional views handed down for generations ruminating in our subconscious that restricts our thinking. We’ve been led to believe by our forefathers that a sexually permissive, unmarried woman is a simply a whore. How is it reasonable that consensual sex damages the reputation of the woman, but validates the man as a playboy? In the words of our ancestors, I think it’s poppycock.
The restrictive standards people hold for their partners versus themselves seems to be more common. We rarely like to think of our partner’s list of former lovers as a selling point. However, odds are they have a list and so do you—and nobody likes a hypocrite. By simply acknowledging we all have a sexual past will make the relationship go a lot smoother—without harboring resentment and being judgmental.
It will be okay. I promise.
Do I have to choose just one?
Have you heard of the American poet Christopher Bridges? Perhaps you know him as Ludacris. He famously sang the lyrics . . .
“We want a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed.”
I know, it warms my heart too. In other words “we” demand erotic satisfaction from a woman but she has to maintain social propriety.
The reality is that a woman’s social existence depends on her capacity to uphold a conventional public persona. The bonus is when she also ensures her partner is sexually satisfied at home. I’m thinking it’s rather clear that the “whore" is outwardly despised, but privately craved. Freud may have been on to something, but he got it wrong. It doesn’t have to be one or the other—Madonna or whore—women can be both (and I mean whore in the nicest of terms). We can be that lady in the street and freak in the bed.
I absolutely think I’m both saint and slut—if we are using Freud’s measurements. You wouldn’t know it by looking at me as I shop at the grocery store, but there are few sexual positions my husband and I haven’t tried. There’s nothing about me that indicates I’ve attended swinging parties. And I’m certain you can’t tell by looking at me that I have at least a dozen sex toys. What you might gather by watching me shop for bananas is that I’m a woman who knows her fruit and is well put together. This is how I do it—another woman may choose to be more obvious with her sexuality.
It all boils down to women being whomever they want and no one else gets to decide for them. So what if a woman’s eroticism includes what other’s find subversive. She’s not rebellious because it’s against what society expects—she’s living her best life.
There isn’t a man alive that doesn’t want to feel desired; and woman who finds sex erotic and thrilling is a bonus for any relationship. Men want a loyal and respectful partner; however her sexuality doesn’t interfere with those qualities. This doesn’t have to be an either/or scenario. One of the major complaints in many relationships is frustration due to a lack of sexual energy. Healthy relationships require both partners to initiate and enjoy sex.
Trying to extinguish the fire of an erotic woman in order to conform to archaic social standards will never work. She offers balance with all forces of nature bringing two seemingly opposing ends together. She can still be the one you bring home to mom, but she will also satisfy (and perhaps encourage) you sexually.
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