“Who are you?” said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.
Alice replied, rather shyly, “I—I hardly know, Sir, just at present—at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.”
“What do you mean by that?” said the Caterpillar, sternly. “Explain yourself!”
“I ca’n’t explain myself, I’m afraid, Sir,” said Alice, “because I am not myself, you see.”
When you’re an OnlyFan adult entertainer, you have to be grounded in who you really are to be successful. Understand, I am not equating success and profitability; I’m speaking of mental success. The “you” that’s creating all the fantasies has to be ever-present and you can’t let your identity get lost in an online persona. I can’t say I nailed it, but I did try.
In the beginning, I found it difficult to separate who I am from the person I invented. For example, my response to someone leaning in to tell me, “I wish I could lick your tits,” would be quite different if I was shopping at the grocery store—might even require some bail money. However, my OnlyFans persona would respond, “I’d love to have your tongue on me, daddy…tell me what else you like.”
Let’s be honest… fans don’t subscribe to you for the sole purpose of learning the depths of your soul. They don’t want the person who does laundry (unless she’s naked); or, the girl who gets a pinched nerve when she does a yoga pose (unless she’s naked). And, the woman in the mirror applying the anti-aging moisturizer isn’t a part of the fantasy… unless, of course, she’s naked.
And while the subscribers may not know (or care) who you are outside of OnlyFans, the question is an important one for creators to ask themselves…
“Do you know who you are?”
Our identity comprises memories, experiences, and values that create our sense of self. It includes the relationships we cultivate as a children, teenagers, and adults. It also includes the experiences we’ve learned from the many roles we have played in our lives. Lastly, our identity is represented in the things we can’t control such as our race, ethnicity, and even our height. Throw in political opinions, morals, and religious beliefs—there’s quite a mixture making up our identity.
While being an OF Creator, I did, at times, feel like an online fraud by pretending I was someone I’m not. However, I was creating a place to indulge in a fantasy. I was an escape from every day life for my fans, and sometimes for myself. All of their fetishes and kinks were somehow validated through me. My role was to make each of them feel as though what they fantasized about was absolutely normal—which in reality, it is.
“Most fantasies serve a specific purpose: They can be entertaining, distracting, frightening, or, in the case of sexual fantasies, arousing. Fantasizing about specific goals can foster creativity, help someone better understand their wants and needs… It’s common for anyone with surprising or seemingly extreme fantasies—particularly those that are sexual in nature—to wonder whether such fantasies are “normal.” But while some are indeed unique, most “unusual” fantasies are actually fairly common.”
What I didn’t take into account as a creator was how I could learn about myself sexually through fantasies of my subscribers.
With the notion that our identity is fluid, and continues to develop throughout life, we unconsciously seek out like-minded people—overall benefiting from their experiences. Having a better understanding of our identity increases positive self-esteem. This could, in effect, assist in curbing depression and anxiety. There’s nothing that boosts self-esteem better than knowing that someone shares in what you’re going through and the notion you aren’t alone.
Being an adult entertainer (i.e., sex worker—more on that later), was a ‘Learn-as-You-Go’ lesson when it came to dirty talk and fan requests. At first, I was too embarrassed to let on that I didn’t know what something was. I had to Google terms and watch porn videos online to make sense of certain requests. I was pretending to be the savvy sex worker that I could barely identify with. Who was I kidding? Nevertheless, I found myself becoming interested in knowing about every little sexual deviant that was asked of me through DMs. Not only did I want the fans to believe that I was an erotic woman in my everyday life, I actually found myself wanting to be.
Am I really the sexy vixen fans subscribed to see online?
Perhaps I am to a certain degree, otherwise I wouldn’t have had so many fans subscribe. However, If you asked my husband, he’d say no. I may have convincingly played the role for the fans, but I failed to take most of what I learned to our bedroom—much to the husband’s chagrin. He wasn’t just a silent partner taking photos, he participated in numerous videos as well. His role was key in selling videos as there was quite a bit of role-play requested; and, we were both easily aroused as exhibitionists. However, what he really wanted was for me to be that sexy vixen in real life.
It was already challenging to be who I was online, even if I found it sexually stimulating. When it came to reality, I think everything sexually faltered due to a fear of tarnishing my own perceived real-life identity. I felt that a college educated, middle-aged wife (and mother) didn’t really do all those naughty things. I have absolutely no idea why I thought that, or why I couldn’t integrate what I was doing into my own bedroom. The woman wearing sexy lingerie for fans was leaving her husband panting on the sideline.
Come to think about it, how did I think it was okay to be a college educated, middle-aged wife and mother, and be an OnlyFans Sex Creator at the same time? I am sure you can see the paradox here as well… but I digress.
We do talk about how to make our marriage better when it comes to sex. I should clarify and say that he talks about sex a lot and I tend clam up—even though I know a healthy sex life is important. To be honest, there was growing resentment with the demands of my fans to always do more or show more, not to mention the infinite messages on social media asking the same. That resentment was misplaced in real life when my husband and I had our talks. With my side-gig as an adult entertainer, I forgot what it felt like to be sexual just for me, much less my husband. I subconsciously associated any sex-play with “work” when I should have been using it to enhance our sex life.
They key to doing this type of work was to remain balanced and keep to my authentic self. I failed in that aspect and got lost along the way. But, there is no room for regret as self-recrimination isn’t healthy or productive. It’s about learning from my mistakes and figuring out who I am at this moment. The focus is rediscovering the person who enjoyed sex for her own pleasure.
Today, the only requests that matter are those from my husband… and he pays much more than any subscriber I ever had.
thanks for sharing this. I always enjoyed your content for the underlying intelligent woman who was so evident in every clip. I find in my real life relationships while it can be confusing/frustrating/stressful knowing my partner is a real person with hopes and dreams and fears and insecurities and the whole gamut of human emotions and feelings and experiences in the end it makes it more erotic and authentic. Although it is all too easy to expect/hope/fantasize that the partner you know IRL will magically turn into the woman from your imagination. Of course, no real, live person can ever match the image(s) I've created in my mind. Anyway, I love your insights and take on working as a content provider on OF. Can't wait for your next post.