It may be unfathomable for some that not being in the mood for sex is remotely possible. For the rest of us, we have many reasons for not feeling that immediate spark in the nether-regions. As I mentioned in my last article, everyone’s libido varies and there are no set rules.
The question is: Do you want to be in the mood?
Sex is how humans connect, especially in a committed relationship. It’s just what we do, even when the goal is not to procreate. Don’t get me wrong, there are many reasonable explanations for not having sex when in a relationship. Men and women both have their own cycles: emotional, physical, and hormonal. There may also be past sexual trauma that has not been addressed; of which those thoughts and memories will affect your sex life. Additionally, there are religious beliefs and personal values. The important thing to note is that if you’re in a healthy relationship, having a sexual connection is essential.
There are many who believe sensual pleasure isn’t the most important aspect of a relationship. Hopefully, a discussion has been had and you’re both on the same page sexually. If not, one person is very much placating the other about having sex regularly—or it’s an obvious source of tension. When sex drives don’t match between partners it’s referred to as a Desire Discrepancy; which doesn’t necessarily correlate to satisfaction and happiness as a couple. It’s when each partner in a sexual relationship has a different level of desire. Naturally, these discrepancies can differ enough to potentially cause issues.
A sexual imbalance between two people is common and can be frustrating for both partners. Rest assured there’s no “normal” level of desire, just mismatched levels. Many are under the societal assumption that if you’re in a relationship, having sex all the time is a given; or that everyone is having sex but you. It’s not unlike believing the fantasy that everyone but you on social media is on vacation and simply living the perfect life.
We all, no doubt, experienced the influx of frequent and limitless sexual activity during the early stages of a relationship. Then, as it evolves into love, and life becomes more stable—almost predictable. As a result, we become less fueled by the desires held in the beginning. The maturing love/admiration and mutual respect can be gauged almost as a trade-off for passion. The key is to maintain the passion for both of you. In order to do that, you’re going to have to start with communicating your desires… and dislikes.
The variation of sexual desire usually lies with how often to have sex, how long, and in what ways. Sexual activity doesn’t have to be an emotionally charged conversation if both partners understand that their differences are something to be expected and respected. However, it sometimes tends to become a source of shame opening up to each other about needs and desires. Your partner is the one person you should be able to discuss those things. It starts by eliminating that shame with the understanding that sex is both primal and natural.
One of the best explanations of our innate human need to copulate is found in Sex At Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. It is an enlightening read, however some may feel the writers are controversial by connecting us with our primate ancestors: the Bonobos and Chimpanzees. We share 99% of our DNA with them, including an anatomical predilection in the release of oxytocin.
“Sometimes called ‘nature’s ecstasy’ oxytocin is important in pro-social feelings like compassion, trust, generosity, love, and yes, eroticism.”
Although we are genetically equidistant from bonobos and chimpanzees, our sexual behavior is very similar to the bonobos—who are themselves vastly different from other apes. Humans and bonobos copulate outside of the ovulation cycle (so it isn’t only about procreating), both enjoy a variety of sexual positions, we both kiss, the female vulva is in a similar position, and homosexuality is quite common.
“Though many drive to hide their human libidinousness from themselves and each other, being a force of nature, it breaks through… the percentage of our lives we human beings spend thinking about, planning, having, and remembering sex is incomparably greater than that of any other creature on the planet.”
Another issue the authors point out is that men need variety and change within their sex lives. It’s been proven through research to be an innate need for males. This isn’t to say to give your man a green light to be unfaithful, but simply to offer that sex shouldn’t be routine and mundane. I honestly feel the same applies to women, even if research shows it to be vastly uneven. There seems to be an assumption from many women that pleasure and intimacy HAVE to go hand in hand.
“Many women will find it difficult to accept that men can so easily dissociate sexual pleasure from emotional intimacy, just a many men will struggle to understand why these two obviously separate (to them) issues are often so intertwined for many women.”
Having an open relationship allows both partners to entertain the variety of other lovers and it has demonstrated to be beneficial to a marriage. This is when they BOTH agree to that marriage construct. Those who choose not to have said relationship can easily be that kind of “variety” for each other. This can happen through role-play, trying new positions, playing sex games, or simply surprising your partner with some sexy lingerie. It’s valid to say both sexes want to feel desired and lusted after—we shouldn’t have to go outside of our relationship to find it.
It is understood that our emotions play a central role ensuring satisfying sex. Staying present in the moment makes for an enjoying experience. Again, if you read past posts, this is also known as sexual mindfulness. We all can appreciate “making love” with our partner, however sometimes having animal-like shagging is needed. Think about it this way, a one night stand isn’t “making love” so much as our carnal nature taking over and satiating the sexual need. Use the “one night stand” energy with your partner.
Our brain is the largest sex organ; and if you aren’t thinking about how pleasurable sex can be, finding the mood for having it won’t happen. In order to increase sexual desire and be more in tune with your partner’s erotic energy needs to be created from within. We all have things that turn us on. Share it with your partner and find ways to incorporate it into sexual activity. We have to remove all guesswork and engage in sex with confidence to ensure needs are being met.
On the flip side, we also have things that are a turn-off sexually. When you learn something you’ve been doing turns out to be a turn-off for your partner, see it as a learning opportunity. Becoming defensive will only make them feel embarrassed and inadequate. Having a partner who is self-conscious about sex isn’t pleasurable.
Instead of saying, “I don’t like when you squeeze my breast like that,” gently take their hand and show them how you like them to be touched. Eliminate the question, “Am I the problem?” Addressing any issues leaves no room for misinterpretation or mind reading.
Drop Your Pants!
Don’t let the rumor that spontaneity is the best way to enjoy sex. It creates an immediate disadvantage when setting time aside to sexually engage with your partner. Remember when you went on that first date, unsure if sex was going to happen? You planned for it just in case, right? There was a build up of anticipation and desire. Did you send flirty messages and subtle innuendos; perhaps a sexy photo? Who determined those feelings had to stop once you settled into relationship? We all tend to let things that showed our desire for each other to fall to the wayside. Why not use those same methods to heighten the desire when you need it the most?
Presence of Mind
When men take a moment to slow down their carnal thoughts and dismiss judgmental ideas of how sex should be, it has been shown there is improved sexual satisfaction with his partner. The more sexually mindful a women is will help address her physical responses with her partner. Ladies, don’t worry about how you look when having an orgasm; or if your tummy folds are obvious. Men don’t care, neither should you. You both should be thinking about the pleasure sex provides.
One thing to understand is that sexual activity doesn’t always include intercourse. It could include a sensual massage, oral sex or playing a dirty game. Fully immerse yourself in the moment by slowing down the arousal process, consciously observe the movement of your bodies, breathe in the scent, and focus on the sensation when your partner touches you.
If I had sex whenever my husband wanted, I wouldn’t need to bother with clothing… ever. With that said, we do have responsibilities that call for getting dressed, such as work and family. To say our libido levels are uneven would be an understatement. This has been mostly due to my hormonal imbalance while going through menopause.
(Click here to read about my menopause experience.)
The important thing to note is that I wanted to be in a state of arousal more often, even if body wasn’t cooperating. I wanted the connection with my husband. It took awareness, mindfulness practice, and having a continued conversation with my husband about our frustrations. He needed to be aware of what my body was going through and it helped him understand my lack of libido. He truly knows all the ways to get me in the mood, so we found ways to feed my arousal.
Knowing that sex is an intrinsic part of marriage, I make the effort to initiate sex as well. As I mentioned, men want to feel desired too. Fortunately, I don’t ever have to wonder if my husband is in the mood as the answer is always an emphatic YES. I am considerate enough to allow him to finish his conference call or finish yelling at the television while watching SEC football. I’m not a monster!
One way to get in the mood is putting on lingerie—which makes me feel sexy. Another might be watching porn to get those… uh, juices flowing. Fantasies are sometimes incorporated with a little role play where I become a demanding dominatrix. I can also simply snuggle close to him and the inevitable happens.
The most effective way to stimulate my sexual mind is remembering the early days of our relationship and all the sex we had; sometimes not leaving the bed an entire weekend unless we were refueling with food. There are those who meditate to clear their mind, however I use a meditation to fill my mind with images of our lovemaking. Again, the noggin holds our biggest sex organ.
The point being that an effort should always be made between partners to ensure a sexual connection. Sex plays a bigger role in our lives than many are ready to admit. Take a moment to evaluate what you think is “normal” and acceptable, and discuss it with your partner to find a pleasurable medium for each of you.
It’s completely understandable that responsibilities of life fill up our day; and that underlying physiological and psychological issues sometimes hinder our libido. However, there has to be a willingness to be vulnerable both physically and emotionally for a relationship to succeed. When a couple’s sex life fulfills mutual needs, there will be feelings of contentment and enhanced desire for one another.
We’d absolutely love to hear from you!
Leave a comment if you have any questions or would like to share your story about this topic or sex in general.
If you found this article educational and/or entertaining, be sure click the ♥️ and follow us on social media! This article is free to the public, so feel free to share.
Consider becoming a paid subscriber that gives you access to our articles in The Drive Home series.