It's refreshing to see someone, anyone, you, calling for honesty in relationships. I fear that the situation with mendacity and withholds is worse than ever now. This New York Times article about sexless marriage (essentially, announcing or advocating it) got my attention recently.
How much of this problem do you think is about withholding? I would propose that a large portion of it is. I will have more to say if the discussion picks up, and I'll share your article as part of my weekly sex commentary on Tantra Studio (Pacifica Radio) this week. It's an important article at this time.
I'm including three links: the recent piece on sexless marriage in the Times; my response to it (start the player at about 2.5 hours, begins after the song break) and Jealousy and the Abyss by Pennell Rock, wherein he states: Only truth is erotic.
Thank you, Eric. It's rather fascinating to consider how many people can't (or won't) be honest with their partner. This is the one person with whom you're supposed to be completely yourself and vulnerable. Whether content in the relationship or not, hiding who you are is no way to live.
I think withholding, as you elaborate on in your podcast, is a significant issue in maintaining an honest relationship. When I say we are completely candid here at home, it includes blurting out that a woman or man jogging by is sexy, or whoever crosses our line of sight. This is a daily occurrence and the norm for us. In fact, if we see a hot woman and my husband doesn’t say something, I ask if he’s feeling okay.
I understand it's not for everyone when a partner vocalizes finding someone else attractive. But we don’t stop finding others sexually appealing just because we’re in a relationship—most people just don’t say it aloud. When it comes to our sexual inclinations, too many are afraid of being shamed for what ignites the libido.
In relation to the NYT article, I believe the issue of withholding is more a byproduct of a sexless marriage. If the couples mentioned do have a mutual understanding about sexual frequency, withholding seems compulsory. I believe it would only make the other partner feel insecure in their compromise on sex.
I look forward to listening in on your podcast and going deeper into your thoughts on honesty in relationships.
Lovely to year from you Rée. I think that sex is downgraded by current digital, disembodied, woke and endocrine disrupted culture. Many places we're close to the point where [a man] finding a woman attractive is considered an offense. This is part an environmental condition (all the aforementioned factors) that is literally about deadening our human experience, and maintaining alleged "security." Jealousy is a huge factor.
For a while I got to photograph a lot of beautiful women, and they have a way of opening up to me. One said she would fuck anyone she wanted if it would not give permission to her boyfriend to the same thing, which in turn would make her jealous, so, therefore, she suppressed her own instincts and desires.
This is no way to live. But tolerance is not enough. I personally love when I'm with a beautiful woman and others find her attractive and engage with her. But I am confident in a way that people find perplexing.
As for the those who hold themselves polyamorous, it's not about "giving permission" or grudgingly accepting your partner's desires and experiences. If you're not actually turned on by them, it's not going to work. And it's no way to live.
I realize this is more adventure that most people are up for.
Unfortunately, while the MeToo Movement began with good intentions, it left many men hesitant to pursue relationships. It’s not as simple as being honorable; rather, it's about not knowing what might innocently trigger a negative response. There’s a common fear that simply asking someone out will be misconstrued and labeled as unwanted sexual attention. It's a modern-day conundrum that, I agree, is environmentally conditioned.
Jealousy is an entirely different animal, one that I believe feeds off fear and insecurity. Like you, my husband appreciates when others find me attractive and engage. I feel the same about him. I think he’s sexy and find it incredulous that other women wouldn’t feel the same. But, that being said, we are in an open relationship. Although not often practiced, simply the idea that we could venture out sexually with someone else is enough to fuel the fire. I believe that’s where the concept of not withholding helps, especially in role-play. We all fantasize, so why not be honest and make use of the naughty notions playing in our heads? Many couples can simply fantasize about open relationships without actually pursuing them. No need to be jealous—just turned on.
When it comes to polyamory, building a relationship with another person isn’t for us. We appreciate a more one-and-done dynamic. Polyamorous relationships do require fine-tuning between partners with agreed-upon guidelines and constant communication. And you’re right, it’s not about permission; it’s absolutely not about begrudgingly giving in. That never works out well.
More to say about polyamory. Re #metoo, I suspect the 2017/2018 movement came out of a public relations agency, and that it was a black op. I don't have the documents to prove this, but I have the observations and the experience of how 2017 began (men chanting "her body, her choice") and how it ended (all men are rapists).
I know of and have verified a totally unnecessary $34 million funding source, used to reward false claims (among other things). The emphasis on "lack of proof" was intentional, setting a standard of claim = truth. That set the stage for 2020 (different content, same MO).
The libel cases are starting to get settlements. Many men's lives will never be the same. I have called repeatedly for the re-opening of every claim and every case, because I suspect 99% of them were either baseless or unproven.
It’s definitely the case where men are automatically guilty without any hope of vindication. “Lack of proof” is a huge issue, but I would imagine in most of these cases we’re simply dealing with a he said/she said scenario. I don’t know if the baseless/unproven claims are as high as 99%; but unfortunately in these matters, ANY percentage of false claims negatively impacts the credibility of those with genuine incidents.
As a woman and an unequivocal member of the sisterhood, I find myself torn on this issue overall. Many of us have experienced unwanted sexual attention or harassment, myself included—I've even shared my own experience on this platform. The question arises: should we expose every perpetrator for even the smallest infractions? That's a decision each individual must make based on their own feelings and circumstances. However, I do believe there should be greater responsibility in how these claims are handled, considering the ease with which someone's life can be irreparably damaged. I would hope at the very least, if that funding source did reward false claims, they get to experience the humiliation and upheaval of their lives as each of the men accused did. Doesn't make it right, but it makes one feel a little better.
If men aired the gripes about women, it would not be pretty. The underlying question is, are women entitled to perpetual resentment? Are they entitled to exact revenge for merely feeling hurt? What of women who lie, bring false prosecutions, etc.? Where is the calling for consequences for those actions? Where do we see women owning their shadow and destructive side? That's a serious question. I would love an example or two. I assume you do; so present company excluded.
Nicely done, Reé.
It's refreshing to see someone, anyone, you, calling for honesty in relationships. I fear that the situation with mendacity and withholds is worse than ever now. This New York Times article about sexless marriage (essentially, announcing or advocating it) got my attention recently.
How much of this problem do you think is about withholding? I would propose that a large portion of it is. I will have more to say if the discussion picks up, and I'll share your article as part of my weekly sex commentary on Tantra Studio (Pacifica Radio) this week. It's an important article at this time.
I'm including three links: the recent piece on sexless marriage in the Times; my response to it (start the player at about 2.5 hours, begins after the song break) and Jealousy and the Abyss by Pennell Rock, wherein he states: Only truth is erotic.
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/17/magazine/sexless-marriage.html?unlocked_article_code=1.lE0.RUXc.iS7dDbl_AEAk&smid=url-share
https://planetwaves.fm/the-great-curve/
https://planetwaves.net/jealousy.html
Thank you, Eric. It's rather fascinating to consider how many people can't (or won't) be honest with their partner. This is the one person with whom you're supposed to be completely yourself and vulnerable. Whether content in the relationship or not, hiding who you are is no way to live.
I think withholding, as you elaborate on in your podcast, is a significant issue in maintaining an honest relationship. When I say we are completely candid here at home, it includes blurting out that a woman or man jogging by is sexy, or whoever crosses our line of sight. This is a daily occurrence and the norm for us. In fact, if we see a hot woman and my husband doesn’t say something, I ask if he’s feeling okay.
I understand it's not for everyone when a partner vocalizes finding someone else attractive. But we don’t stop finding others sexually appealing just because we’re in a relationship—most people just don’t say it aloud. When it comes to our sexual inclinations, too many are afraid of being shamed for what ignites the libido.
In relation to the NYT article, I believe the issue of withholding is more a byproduct of a sexless marriage. If the couples mentioned do have a mutual understanding about sexual frequency, withholding seems compulsory. I believe it would only make the other partner feel insecure in their compromise on sex.
I look forward to listening in on your podcast and going deeper into your thoughts on honesty in relationships.
Lovely to year from you Rée. I think that sex is downgraded by current digital, disembodied, woke and endocrine disrupted culture. Many places we're close to the point where [a man] finding a woman attractive is considered an offense. This is part an environmental condition (all the aforementioned factors) that is literally about deadening our human experience, and maintaining alleged "security." Jealousy is a huge factor.
For a while I got to photograph a lot of beautiful women, and they have a way of opening up to me. One said she would fuck anyone she wanted if it would not give permission to her boyfriend to the same thing, which in turn would make her jealous, so, therefore, she suppressed her own instincts and desires.
This is no way to live. But tolerance is not enough. I personally love when I'm with a beautiful woman and others find her attractive and engage with her. But I am confident in a way that people find perplexing.
As for the those who hold themselves polyamorous, it's not about "giving permission" or grudgingly accepting your partner's desires and experiences. If you're not actually turned on by them, it's not going to work. And it's no way to live.
I realize this is more adventure that most people are up for.
Unfortunately, while the MeToo Movement began with good intentions, it left many men hesitant to pursue relationships. It’s not as simple as being honorable; rather, it's about not knowing what might innocently trigger a negative response. There’s a common fear that simply asking someone out will be misconstrued and labeled as unwanted sexual attention. It's a modern-day conundrum that, I agree, is environmentally conditioned.
Jealousy is an entirely different animal, one that I believe feeds off fear and insecurity. Like you, my husband appreciates when others find me attractive and engage. I feel the same about him. I think he’s sexy and find it incredulous that other women wouldn’t feel the same. But, that being said, we are in an open relationship. Although not often practiced, simply the idea that we could venture out sexually with someone else is enough to fuel the fire. I believe that’s where the concept of not withholding helps, especially in role-play. We all fantasize, so why not be honest and make use of the naughty notions playing in our heads? Many couples can simply fantasize about open relationships without actually pursuing them. No need to be jealous—just turned on.
When it comes to polyamory, building a relationship with another person isn’t for us. We appreciate a more one-and-done dynamic. Polyamorous relationships do require fine-tuning between partners with agreed-upon guidelines and constant communication. And you’re right, it’s not about permission; it’s absolutely not about begrudgingly giving in. That never works out well.
More to say about polyamory. Re #metoo, I suspect the 2017/2018 movement came out of a public relations agency, and that it was a black op. I don't have the documents to prove this, but I have the observations and the experience of how 2017 began (men chanting "her body, her choice") and how it ended (all men are rapists).
I know of and have verified a totally unnecessary $34 million funding source, used to reward false claims (among other things). The emphasis on "lack of proof" was intentional, setting a standard of claim = truth. That set the stage for 2020 (different content, same MO).
The libel cases are starting to get settlements. Many men's lives will never be the same. I have called repeatedly for the re-opening of every claim and every case, because I suspect 99% of them were either baseless or unproven.
It’s definitely the case where men are automatically guilty without any hope of vindication. “Lack of proof” is a huge issue, but I would imagine in most of these cases we’re simply dealing with a he said/she said scenario. I don’t know if the baseless/unproven claims are as high as 99%; but unfortunately in these matters, ANY percentage of false claims negatively impacts the credibility of those with genuine incidents.
As a woman and an unequivocal member of the sisterhood, I find myself torn on this issue overall. Many of us have experienced unwanted sexual attention or harassment, myself included—I've even shared my own experience on this platform. The question arises: should we expose every perpetrator for even the smallest infractions? That's a decision each individual must make based on their own feelings and circumstances. However, I do believe there should be greater responsibility in how these claims are handled, considering the ease with which someone's life can be irreparably damaged. I would hope at the very least, if that funding source did reward false claims, they get to experience the humiliation and upheaval of their lives as each of the men accused did. Doesn't make it right, but it makes one feel a little better.
If men aired the gripes about women, it would not be pretty. The underlying question is, are women entitled to perpetual resentment? Are they entitled to exact revenge for merely feeling hurt? What of women who lie, bring false prosecutions, etc.? Where is the calling for consequences for those actions? Where do we see women owning their shadow and destructive side? That's a serious question. I would love an example or two. I assume you do; so present company excluded.